He’s by me seconds later, jumping through the window of the car, and I watch as it pulls away, no license plate on the back to read.

I can hear the wailing sounds of the store clerk inside. He’s racing around the counter, trying to wake up my dad, feeling his pulse and shaking his body.

I leave the car running, the door open behind me, and I race into the store, sliding on my knees at his side.

“Daddy!” I cry. “Daddy, can you hear me? Stay with me, oh god, Daddy please!”

The store clerk is dialing 911, and I hear him give the address.

“Tell them he’s a police officer! Officer down!” I yell loudly enough for the operator to hear.

Within minutes, I see the lights flashing behind me, and I know everyone’s here. I feel Brian pulling at my shoulders, urging me off of the ground, away from him. But I can’t leave his side. I won’t.

“Charlie, you have to let them work,” he says, finally lifting me from under my arms. I drag my feet, reluctantly.

I watch from outside, standing next to Brian, my arm tucked in his for support, while the paramedics work on Mac. I see bag after bag come out from the fire truck and watch as officers swarm the area, pull tape from the camera, talk to the clerk. I’ve seen it all so many times, usually well after the tragedy, while my dad worked a scene.

“I saw him,” I say, my voice flat and lifeless. I know in that instant Mac is gone—he’s left me. I can tell, because my fire is gone, too.

“Charlie, we need to know what you saw. I know it’s hard, and now’s not the time…” Brian starts, but I turn to him, letting the tears drip endlessly down my chin.

“He’s gone. Mac’s gone. He shot him…in the head, Brian. But I saw it…” I swallow hard, and I start to hyperventilate, so I lean forward, holding my hands on my knees. “I saw the entire thing. I saw his face,” I say, “and I’ll never forget it.”

Chapter 18: Welcome to Louisville

Trevor only bought two seats to Louisville, but Cody wasn’t going to let me be there alone, so he drove, all through the night and part of the morning. We got to Caroline’s late. I warned Trevor, but I don’t think anything could have done justice to the craziness he found inside her house—inside Mac’s old house.

The rows of boxes, newspapers, old letters, magazines, soda cartons—you name it, if it’s made of paper, Caroline’s saved it and turned it into a building block for the maze she now lives in. The smell is worse than when I left. She says she doesn’t have any cats, but I’ve seen at least two since we arrived late last night.

We slept in my old room, Trevor on a sleeping bag on the floor, and me in my small childhood bed. Though, I really didn’t sleep at all. Instead, I stared out my window, at the stars outside, and did my best to talk to Mac silently.

When Cody called me this morning, I told Trevor I was meeting him for breakfast, and he insisted he come as well. For the last hour, the three of us have been sitting in the same booth at the Sunday Diner, drinking refill after refill of coffee while I wait for my phone to ring.

Caroline isn’t coming out of the house today. She said the ozone report made her nervous. I don’t fight it any more; I know my aunt needs help, but I don’t know where to begin. I’m not sure I’ll even survive the next hour of things before me, so who am I to judge her and how she copes.

I can’t look at either of them—Trevor keeps bouncing his gaze nervously between Cody and me, and Cody refuses to look up from his cup of coffee. I can feel him only a few feet away from me, and it’s almost like we’re touching. I want to reach out and hold his hand, but he’s purposely sitting as far away from me in the booth as he can—out of respect for Trevor.

The table shakes with the nervous bouncing of Trevor’s knee, and I question quietly the fifth cup of coffee he pours. When he downs it, he smacks his cup down loudly on the table and starts to slide from his seat.

“Fuck this, man,” Trevor says, like a volcano erupting. I wince, embarrassed from the looks we’ve gotten from his little outburst.

“Trevor,” I whisper to him, hoping he’ll find his decorum.

“Sorry, Charlotte…or, I’m sorry, is it Charlie now? Or is that just for him?” Trevor says, bite to his tone.

I look into his eyes, trying to let my regret show. Not that I would change my mind, but I just wish I could have settled all of this sooner, confessed how I felt, been upfront before anything happened with Cody.

“Just…just don’t, okay?” he says, flipping open his wallet to pull out a couple bucks to throw on the table.