My birthday came and went. I made an excuse with Pops when he had a big dinner planned, told him Nolan had some internship thing at a special needs camp. He bought it, which was amazing, because I was shit at lying. I couldn’t seem to get myself to make it real. We weren’t talking—hadn’t talked for almost three weeks. But for some reason, I felt like if my dad still thought everything was fine, then maybe we’d find our way back, and no one would ever need to know.

I suppose part of it was pride, too. I felt betrayed, yes, but I also felt oddly ashamed. It felt like everyone knew my girlfriend had left me for some tattooed nobody, like they just stared at me, and pitied me. I knew I was just being crazy, but my head was doing a lot of crazy things lately.

Somehow, though, I managed to keep the football side of my head on straight. My numbers were ridiculous, and stories were starting to swirl on ESPN and in the papers about what I might do next season. Dylan and I talked frequently, even more so now that she was seeing my brother. She told me all of the press was common for a quarterback my age, in a draft year like this, so I just kept my mind on that—focused on the prize. Where going to the NFL was a future dream before, it was an out-clause now, a way to start over, and become a third version of Reed Johnson—not the shithead teenager or naïve college guy I had been, but my own man—free to date any woman I wanted, whenever I wanted, and however long I wanted. Maybe I’d try that for a while.

Chapter 9

Nolan

It was almost Thanksgiving break, and I hadn’t heard from Reed in more than a month. I checked my voicemail like a paranoid drug dealer almost hourly. But there was never anything. I was a shell of myself, as if each night that passed, and I didn’t hear from Reed was one more night that a piece of me died. I wasn’t eating, and I had skipped a lot of my classes, too. I was actually carrying two Cs, which I knew was going to screw me as far as my scholarships were concerned, but I couldn’t seem to get myself to care.

Sienna had taken it upon herself to make sure I was up and out of bed every morning, knocking on my door before my first class, and waiting me out until she had proof that I was showered and dressed. But I often just undressed as soon as she left, or just bailed in the middle of my morning lecture, blending in with the crowd of slackers that sat in the back rows. I completely missed two midterms and blew off another writing assignment as well, which was what was hurting my grades mostly.

While Sienna was on academic duty, it seemed Sarah had agreed to be on social duty, coming over every Thursday and Friday night, and forcing me to dress up and leave the comfort of my dark and depressing dorm room to go out dancing. I always went, but I usually just sat at some table and drank while she danced with guys who hit on her at the bar.

Gavin still stopped by to check on me regularly, too, always reminding me that I had options. But the more he reminded me, the more I was repulsed by him. I didn’t even think he was genuine any more, especially since I’d seen him at the bar one night with Sarah and watched how he danced with a few of the other girls. I was just a challenge to him, and he had ruined me in his quest.

I had told Reed everything, and he was completely shutting me out. I think what hurt the most was the constant stream of questions running through my mind that I just didn’t know the answers to: Was Reed mad I didn’t tell him about being pregnant? Was he upset about losing the baby? Was he relieved that he didn’t have to be a father now? Was he dating someone else…or lots of someones?

To make matters worse, when I was able to fall asleep, I usually awoke a few hours later with my heart racing from a nightmare. They weren’t always about Reed, but the ones that were made me cry. I had started to relive the accident, it seemed. Only, in my dreams, Reed never made it out of the Jeep. Sometimes it would explode, other times I would see him in the driver’s seat with the steering wheel cutting through him, his face white, and his lips gasping for breath.

I shared my dreams with Sienna, and she had suggested I make an appointment to talk with one of the school counselors, but the thought of opening up about everything I’d been through to a stranger just terrified me. And there were people out there who had real problems, I thought, problems far bigger than mine. No, the counselors were for those people who were dealing with things like a death in the family, a psychological break or meltdown of some sort. Not girls who got knocked up, and then cheated on their boyfriend.

I hadn’t heard from Sean or Becky in a while, so when they called me the weekend before the break, I was a little surprised.

“Hey, Noles,” Sean was chipper. It was strange, especially since I had convinced myself that he hated me by this point.