My baby brother, by a minute, so I’ve been told.

But he would never come. We would never hold…

His tiny fingers, tiny toes, tiny everything that no one knows.

He wasn’t pretend, but real. And something is always hollow.

We were both a surprise. A gift, mom says.

We were wanted, just not planned as…

Most families are.

And there are times, still today, that we all take turns.

We all take the burden, blame and burns.

My fault. Her fault. A punishment, a curse.

But I know it could be worse.

For I am not alone. He lives with me in my heart.

And I could not have even that, and then I’d fall apart.

The entire room stood and cheered and clapped, amazed and buried in our own tears at the power this tiny, struggling girl held over us all. But my eyes were on my girl, her face devastated, and her chest heaving as she struggled to breathe. Kira just found a way to rip away the scars, scars I’d been dancing around, unsure how to deal with myself. And when Nolan bolted from her chair, rushing out the back door, I didn’t waste a second and flew after her.

I found her on her knees behind a dumpster, her body shaking uncontrollably, and the whaling sounds of her cries not even trying to be masked. I just wrapped my body around hers, holding her arms down and stopping her from trying to free herself of me. We were in this together, this thing she’d been doing alone. She wasn’t ever going to do this alone again.

“Shhhhhhhhh, I’m here. It’s okay, baby. I’m here. I know…I know,” I whispered, kissing her cheeks and head, and cradling her while I rocked her back-and-forth, my own tears falling uncontrollably now. “I know, and I’m so sorry. God, Nolan. I’m so sorry. But it’s okay, I’m here.”

She clung to me, her wet face soaking the front of my shirt, her body flat against mine, almost lifeless, but heavy all the same. Her breathing was short and labored. Her shaking not subsiding. “I lost it, Reed. Oh my God!” she started shaking again, her tears coming harder now. I just held on.

“You didn’t lose anything. You didn’t do anything, you hear me?” I said, begging her to listen to me. “It wasn’t right. It wasn’t meant to be. Something was wrong, and that’s what was supposed to happen. And oh my God, Nolan, I will never forgive myself that you were alone through it all. I’m so sorry, baby. I failed you. God, I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t tell you. I should have told you! Maybe then…” she started, but I stopped her. She was done blaming herself. She had done that enough.

“No, now listen, Nolan,” I held her face a few inches from mine, my hands in her hair, streaks running all along her face. “This had nothing to do with anything you did…or didn’t do. You have to stop blaming yourself.”

“But what if I can’t have children? What if I’m…I’m…done?” she started quaking again.

“You don’t know that. Nolan, you need to talk to someone. You don’t know anything until you talk to someone about this. Talk to me. And then talk to a doctor. Baby, I know it’s scary, but you need to. I love you…so much. But you have to take care of yourself,” I was pleading, trying to reach her. She just stared at me, almost through me. For minutes, I looked into her eyes, taking pauses to wipe the tears away.

We sat there completely wrapped in one another’s heartbreak, misery, and arms amid piles of trash, and on the cold concrete for minutes. At one point, Sean peered around the corner, worried about where we’d gone. When I caught his attention, I motioned for him to tell the others, and to give us a little more time.

I was finally able to get Nolan to come inside, the parents and her students all long gone. Sarah and Sienna all handled the awkwardness for us, telling people that Nolan had a stomach bug and ran outside ill. Nolan was so upset that she didn’t get to talk to Kira, who seemed to be an important student for her, but I seemed to ease her mind during the car ride home, telling her that we could call her mom, and maybe even pay her a visit in a day or two.

I drove Nolan’s car to her dorm, and Sean followed us, helping me to carry everything upstairs for her. He and I had already discussed it, and I was not leaving her alone tonight. Sean and Becky would spend the night on Sarah’s couch, so they could pick me up in the morning to take me back to my dad’s house. I had some important meetings lined up, but not until the late morning. And nothing was more important than being right where I was tonight.

When everyone left us alone, I turned out Nolan’s lights and went to her bathroom to turn her shower on. I wanted her to feel comfortable and cared for, so I helped her from her clothes and into the shower. It wasn’t about sex or seduction tonight. It was about being there for her, letting her lean on me, in the place I should have been months ago. I washed her hair and soaped her body, washing the makeup stains from her cheeks. I wrapped her in a towel and led her to her bed, sitting her down while I dug through her duffle bag of clothes she’d brought from home. I found the Coolidge football shirt, her favorite, and put it over her head. I pulled a pair of cotton leggings out next and helped her slide those on.