Seeing the look on my face, Tia held up her hands. “He told me a month ago and swore me to secrecy.”

Two years, and a thousand times that he’d called me a name or tried to sit in my lap. All that time he hadn’t been bugging me for a laugh. He’d been flirting, and hoping I’d flirt back, when I was dating Aidan. It must have been torture for Sawyer.

“If it’s any consolation,” Tia said, “he hates me too now. Harper and I never should have tried to push you two together. But he was completely smitten with you, and it was making him miserable. Once I started looking, it seemed to me that you had a crush on him, too, whether you admitted it to yourself or not.”

“I did,” I sniffled.

“You’ll get back together,” Harper said soothingly. “You just need some time.”

“I don’t know,” Tia said. “Kaye’s lost a boyfriend, but Sawyer’s lost a lot more than a girlfriend. He’s lost himself. The first time he ever felt worthwhile was when he won the mascot position. The second time was when you went to find him at the beach, Kaye. Not that I think you can really understand what low self-esteem feels like, when you’ve grown up with everybody calling you princess.”

Harper kicked water on Tia’s bare leg. “That was the wrong thing to say.”

“She meant it,” I said, “or she’d be apologizing.”

“Well,” Tia muttered. “I’m not saying you should get back together with Sawyer just because you feel sorry for him. He would hate you when he found out, you would resent him, and that would make everything worse in the long run. But if you really love him, you can’t let each other go just because you’re both stubborn.”

“He doesn’t want me back,” I assured her. “You didn’t see the way he was looking at me.”

“We have seen the way he looks at you,” Harper interjected. “That’s our whole point.”

I took my feet out of the cold water and lay balanced along the wall. I listened to the burbling fountain, Harper and Tia’s hushed conversation, music blaring from a few rooms away, an argument between Quinn and Noah, and laughter. And I thought:

What if Angelica hadn’t intercepted a note from me to Harper about my crush on Aidan in Ms. Yates’s ninth-grade science class? He would never have guessed I liked him. I’d hidden it well. And the next week, I would have moved on to someone else. At that age, my crushes had seemed crushing, but they weren’t so bad that I couldn’t get over them when another boy caught my eye at the movies on the weekend.

Aidan wouldn’t have asked me out. When Sawyer moved to town two years ago, I would have been available. He would have asked me out instead.

I would have said no.

He would have worked on me.

I would have said yes.

I would have lost my virginity with him instead of Aidan.

“Wait a minute,” Tia protested. “Then who would I have lost my virginity with?”

I hadn’t realized I was talking out loud.

“I’m confident you would have found someone,” I said.

If I’d dated Sawyer for the last two years—well, there was no way that would have happened. We would have fought and broken up and gotten back together and broken up again. My last two years would have been less like training camp and more like high school. Less like an accounting course and more like a life.

I fell asleep with that wistful dream in my head. I was only vaguely aware that Brody carried me to Harper’s car, and they drove me home.

17

I SLEPT UNTIL NOON. AFTER that I stayed in bed for another hour, trying to go back to sleep just to avoid thinking about the night before. The bright sun wouldn’t let me, and the deep blue sky flashed at me through the palm trees outside my window. If last night’s cool front was any indication, today would be warm—not hot—and perfect for a jog. A jog would give me time to think, exactly what I couldn’t stand. I rolled over for the millionth time.

A soft knock sounded at my door. I knew from the fact that the door opened without me giving permission that it was my mother. She sat on the edge of my bed and put her hand in my hair.

“Harper’s mom called,” she said. “We had a long talk. She’s dating Tia’s father!”

In answer I gave her a sigh.

“I guess I’m surprised enough for the two of us, then.” She rubbed my shoulders vigorously, like trying to rub the life back into me. “Sit up and let’s talk.”

Slowly I dragged myself up against the pillows, because once she decided we were having a talk, she never went away until she was done.

“Oh, honey.” She reached out to brush away the tears under my eyes. Like you care, I wanted to say, but that would just keep her here longer. I was all sassed out.

She smiled sympathetically at me. “Lynn actually called because she’s worried about you. Harper told her what happened last night. Lynn wanted you—and me—to know that Sawyer moved out.”

“Oh no!” I cried. “Where did he go?”

“Back to his father’s house, though he’ll still be working for Lynn in the mornings.”

“Oh.” I covered my mouth with my hand, relieved that he’d come back last night. And that he’d finally gone home.

My mother patted my leg under the covers. “You didn’t tell me he’s been having so much trouble.”

“I didn’t think that would help his case with you.”