A tiny shard of glass pierced the center of my chest and my soul was bleeding. I didn’t want to think about it. Somewhere along the line, I moved to the bed and curled into a tight ball and fell into a restive, dreamless sleep.

Chapter Fifteen

I shouldn’t have worried about the plane ride home because he didn’t go home with me. In the morning, the majordomo brought me a note with my breakfast. It was a hurriedly scrawled and impersonal card, signed by Adam, saying he had business that would keep him in the region for another week and that he’d seen to all the arrangements to get me home safely.

Furiously, I shredded it, frustrated at his lack of willingness to compromise. It was all or nothing with him. So we would become strangers again because he had decided we should be strangers. My chest seized again in memory of our confrontation the night before. We’d hurled hurtful words like daggers and the wounds were still fresh, stinging. They might never heal.

Every time I looked at the empty seat next to me on the way home, something twisted in my heart. Already the space where he’d occupied my thoughts and musings felt like an empty, echoing room.

And then there was the annoying fact that every time I shifted in my seat, the twinge I felt was a reminder of all that had gone on between us and I relived every touch, every heated whisper, every kiss. I ached from the inside out.

***

Under normal circumstances, I would have gone to Heath’s house, probably by way of a supermarket, fetching myself a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and commiserated with him. But I was still angry with him about the e-mail he’d sent to Adam—the one that had sent us spiraling down this crazy path in the first place.

Instead, when I got home, I showered, closed all the curtains and slept the remainder of the day and into the next day. I didn’t bother to turn the phone on until I woke up at noon.

And of course, there was a message from my mom instructing me to call her as soon as the weekend was over. As it was Monday morning, I complied, riddled with guilt that I’d been ignoring her so much since the whole thing with this auction had begun.

I tried to ignore that hollow, aching feeling in my chest whenever I thought about Adam. I tried not to think about him as much as possible. I didn’t succeed very often. My mind seemed drawn to him, like white blood cells swarming on an infection. I laughed at that simile. How very appropriate. My obsession with Adam, this persistent soreness, was not unlike an infection.

“How was your study retreat?” my mom asked when I finally got around to calling her back.

“Oh, it was good. Got a lot done.” Too bad none of it was actual studying, but it had been a lot more fun.

“Am I bringing you back home with me after graduation?”

I sighed. Shit. Graduation was at the end of the week. I’d had the semester off but I was walking with my class and I had done next to nothing to prepare for commencement. “I’d rather follow you up. I want my own car while I’m there.” I tried to figure out how I could get out of staying the full week. I’d already taken off way too much time from my job and was in danger of losing it.

“I’ve got some surprises for you when you get home. I can’t wait.”

I gritted my teeth, but the thought of fleeing all this for a few days and retreating to the comfort of my quiet high desert hometown was oddly comforting.

After the phone call was over, I boxed up everything that Adam had “loaned” or gifted to me. The four dresses and accessories, the smart phone and the laptop. I trashed the underwear, not wanting the reminder that it served.

And with every jerky movement, I could hear the voice at the back of my mind. Sick. Sick. Sick. Despite my reluctance to admit it, Heath was right. The whole thing between Adam and me had been sick. Nothing good could have come from our beginnings. The entire interaction between us had been forever tainted by the now-notorious auction.

I was numb when I went to work early the next morning. My supervisor called me into her office, berating me for missing so much work and putting me on formal warning. In different circumstances, I would have cared a great deal. To lose that job would mean I could no longer afford to live on my own, to say nothing of its value on my résumé. But I was frozen inside. Dead. And nothing seemed to get through but that distant, constant pain. That feeling that something vital was missing.

When I got home from work, Heath was parked at the curb of my apartment complex, playing a game on his iPad. I walked right by his car, pretending not to see him, my grip tightening on my backpack strap.

I continued on when I heard the car door open and slam, when I heard his hurried footsteps behind me. I climbed the stairs and didn’t turn until I’d fished out my key to unlock the door.