Author: Cassia Leo

‘I love you.’

‘I know.’

‘With all my circuits.’

I laugh and a sudden urge to tackle him overcomes me. Instead, I pull away from him slightly so I can take his face in my hands and press my lips to his. The curve of his smile against my lips fills my insides with a rush of warmth. I kiss him slowly, my body shivering as his hands slide down to each side of my waist. That intense longing begins to grow inside me again and the sound of my whimper startles me. I pull my head back and he looks confused.

‘Are you okay?’

I nod, letting my gaze fall as my hands do. I try to look away from his sculpted chest, but I can’t. It’s so beautiful.

‘Can we go to sleep now?’

‘Of course.’ He rises from the bed and reaches for our shirts on the floor.

‘Leave the shirt,’ I blurt out hastily. ‘Just . . . just turn the light off.’

He smiles as he lets the shirts drop onto the carpet then reaches for the switch on the lamp on the bedside table.

‘You still have your shoes on,’ I remark and he shrugs. ‘You can take those off.’

‘Thank you.’

As soon as the lights go out, I pull down the comforter and sheets to slip underneath. I fold the covers back for him to lie down, then I hold my breath. I can’t see where he is, but I can feel the bed moving.

‘Turn the light back on.’

My voice is something between a strangled whisper and a soft shriek. The light comes on instantly and he’s standing next to the bed, his eyebrows furrowed with worry.

‘Maybe I should just go back to my bedroom.’

‘Please don’t.’ I turn onto my side to face him, willing myself not to pull up the covers to hide my chest. ‘But do you mind leaving the light on, just until I fall asleep?’

‘Of course I don’t mind.’

I pat the mattress for him to lie down and he smiles cautiously before he lies next to me. We stare into each other’s eyes for a moment before I take a deep breath and snuggle up next to him. The soft flesh of my breast is pressed against his solid muscle, and it just fits. He kisses my forehead again and I press my lips to the place where his neck meets his jaw.

‘Can I say something?’

‘Yes,’ I reply.

‘I love the feeling of your body against mine.’

‘So do I.’

‘Can I say something else?’

I chuckle. ‘You don’t need permission to speak.’

‘Well, then, let me just say that you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on. And I’m not saying this to gain favors. I just want you to know that what I saw tonight, and what I felt in your touch . . . was unforgettable.’

I try to wipe the tears before they fall from my face onto his skin, but they come too fast. ‘I’m not as beautiful inside.’

‘Don’t say that.’ He kisses my forehead then tilts my chin up so he can look at me through the darkness. ‘Please don’t say that.’

I push his hand away so I can bury my face in his neck again. ‘I need to tell you something.’

‘You can tell me anything.’

The tears come faster now and I can’t even open my mouth. The words are caught in my throat, razor-like realities.

‘I can’t have kids.’ I try not to remember the pain, but it’s right there. It’s everywhere, the way it was that night, and I can hardly breathe from the weight of it. ‘I was so scared and so confused. I didn’t know what they were doing. All I knew is that it hurt so much, and when it was all over, I was covered in blood with nothing worth anything left inside of me.’ I sniff loudly, lips trembling as I try to catch my breath. ‘They took so many things from me. So many things. And the worst part is that they knew what they were doing. One of them laughed and said something about . . . about sterilizing me.’

Crush hasn’t said anything or moved in the last minute and it’s worrying me. He probably wants nothing to do with me now. I lay my palm against the middle of his chest to push off and he places his hand on top of mine.

‘Where are you going?’

‘You probably don’t want to sleep with me anymore.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me?’

His voice sounds different. I reach up to touch his face and feel the moisture flowing from the corner of his right eye.

‘You are not damaged.’ His words are blazing with fierce urgency. ‘What they took from you isn’t anything that should matter to anyone who truly loves you. So don’t ever fucking think that you’re broken or incomplete or anything less than beautiful, inside and out. Do you understand me?’

‘Yes.’

I climb on top of him so I can drape my body over his, then I shove my hands under his back to squeeze him. He wraps his arms around my neck as I lay my head on his shoulder. After a few minutes, my body relaxes and I begin to feel drowsy, as if this position is the equivalent of a sleeping pill.

He gently nuzzles his scratchy jaw on the top of my head and I groan groggily. ‘Inside and out. Don’t you ever forget it.’

‘I love you,’ I mumble.

‘Goodnight, beautiful.’

Chapter 37: CRUSH – January 6th

The first indication that my world has been turned upside down is when I wake up sleeping on my belly. I never sleep on my belly. Then I follow the length of my arm to where it’s draped loosely over Mikki’s back as she sleeps belly-side down with her face pointed at me. I was hoping to see her mouth hanging open and drool pooling on the pillow, but her mouth is closed and I can barely feel the rise and fall of her breathing under my arm. I want to pull her close so she can wrap those gorgeous arms and legs around me. But she looks so peaceful. I don’t want to disturb her.

I lie still, watching her sleep, for at least an hour as I think of things for us to do today and tomorrow before we head to L.A. For someone who’s hardly left the house in months, I could probably take Mikki anywhere and she’d be at least somewhat fascinated. But I think I’d rather take her somewhere she’ll feel comfortable.

When her eyelids finally flutter open, I reach up to brush her hair out of her face. She blinks against the very dim light in the room. I don’t think she’s opened the drapes in her bedroom once during our stay in this hotel.

‘What time is it?’ Her voice is a bit thick with sleep. She begins to turn onto her side when she realizes she’s still topless. She turns back onto her stomach and I pull my hand back.

‘It’s just after eight. We have to check out of here and into the new room at noon. Plenty of time for you to shower and pack your things.’

‘I hate packing.’

She sounds like a petulant child and I have a sudden urge to tickle her to erase the sour look on her face. Tickling is such an innocent, playful act of affection shared between two people. We don’t understand how much those small moments of closeness mean to us until they’re taken away.

Her gaze is locked on my bare chest. I reach up, laying my hand on the side of her face as I brush my thumb over her cheekbone. She grabs my hand and slowly turns onto her back so she can hug my arm against her chest. Her heartbeat is racing, thumping wildly under my hand.

We stare into each other’s eyes for a moment before she brings my hand to her mouth and kisses my palm. ‘Kiss me.’

I prop myself up on my elbow then cradle her face with the hand she just kissed, trying to find a position that I don’t have to lie on top of her. She must see my trepidation as I slowly lean into her. She coils her arms around my neck and pulls me close so my chest is touching hers again.

‘Kiss me or I’ll make you pack my suitcase,’ she says with a soft smile. I plant a quick kiss on the corner of her mouth and she shakes her head. ‘Kiss me like this is a movie and we’re madly in love and we’re seeing each other for the first time in three years, eight months, and twenty-one days.’

I let out a short burst of laughter, then I quickly compose myself and go for it. With every passing moment, every taste of her mouth, every whisper of her fingertips over my skin, the friction between us gets hotter. I can feel myself growing inside my jeans and I’m afraid she’ll feel it against her hip.

‘Why are you scooting back?’ She sounds hurt and the look in her eyes confirms the rejection in her voice.

‘I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.’

She gazes into my eyes as she considers this. ‘Can you lie on top of me? I just want to try it out.’

‘Are you sure? You don’t have to do this.’

‘I know.’

I nod as I gently place one of my legs between hers, watching her face for any negative reaction. She seems to be watching my legs as I move. My hands are on either side of her head now, my face hovering over hers, and I’ve got one knee pressed against the mattress between her legs so I don’t have any weight on her yet.

She reaches for my chest with both hands and she runs her hands over my pecs. I close my eyes when her hands skate over my abs, drawing in deep breaths so I don’t scare her with my excitement. She grabs the back of my neck and pulls me down on top of her so she can wrap her arms around my shoulders. Then I kiss her like I haven’t seen her or anyone in decades.

A few minutes pass before she begins to shift beneath me, as if she’s trying to get away. I instantly pull my head back and she nods.

‘I’m going to take a shower. Can you wait in here?’

‘Absolutely.’ I kiss her forehead then roll off of her, extremely relieved that she knew when to stop and that she still wants me around. ‘I’ll put your phone charging while you’re in the shower.’

‘Thanks.’

After her shower, she asks me to brush her hair again, but there doesn’t seem to be many tangles. Once I’m done, I head back to my room to take a shower and pack. When I come out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel around my waist, I find Mikki sitting on the edge of my bed in her pajamas.

‘Hey! I didn’t expect to see you in here.’ I don’t know if I should head back into the bathroom or reach for one of those tiny bathrobes again.

She smiles. ‘I’m fine. I’ve seen plenty of naked guys on TV. And you look way better than them.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah, but don’t let it go to your head.’ She covers her mouth and laughs as she realizes the double entendre.

‘I promise I won’t. So what’s up? Are you here to watch me get dressed? And why are you in your pajamas?’

‘I don’t want to go down to the lobby with you to get the key to the new room. Can I just stay here and you’ll come get me when you have it?’

‘Sure. But why don’t you want to go down there?’

‘I’m just so embarrassed that my mom probably told that girl at the front desk that I was planning to commit suicide. She tells everyone my business all the time. She thinks it makes her seem like she’s proud of me despite my defects, but I don’t give a fuck if she’s proud of having a mentally ill daughter. I don’t want anyone to know. I just hate seeing the pity and the judgment staring back at me.’

‘You don’t have to go down there. I’ll get the key by myself. So, does that mean you don’t want to leave the hotel? I was kind of hoping we could see a few more things before the flight.’

She heaves a deep sigh and looks up at me with an apology in her eyes. ‘I’m sorry. I’m just not that kind of person.’

I take a seat next to her on the bed. ‘What kind of person?’

‘The kind of person who seeks adventure. I prefer staying at home, reading a book, watching a movie. I’m boring.’

‘That’s not boring. I’d much rather stay home and read a book or learn a new piece on the guitar than go out drinking or tearing shit up with my buddies.’