Author: Cassia Leo

‘Come here,’ she says, repeating my words back at me.

I take her hand and she gently pulls me toward her. We stand under the water, holding each other, for a while. Her body trembles a little despite the warmth of the water. Finally, she pulls away, keeping her eyes focused on mine.

‘Can you give me my shampoo?’

I reach behind me and retrieve the shampoo I set down on the small ledge of the bathtub. I hand it to her and she smiles as she squeezes some into her hands.

‘Can I do that?’

She nods as she smears the shampoo onto the top of her head and turns around. I’ve shampooed plenty of girls’ hair. It’s just something that happens when you have shower sex and I’ve had plenty of that. But not knowing whether this is a prelude to sex makes this even more sensual and comforting. I massage the shampoo into her hair, gently rubbing my fingertips in circles over her scalp to help her relax. Her shoulders fall slightly as her muscles slacken.

The eternal struggle begins inside me. I want to kiss her shoulder. She told me to do what I want. She trusts me not to go any further than what she feels comfortable with. I just hope she hasn’t foolishly trusted me.

‘Turn around so you can rinse.’ She turns around and smiles and I take that as a sign that I’m doing okay. Then she reaches for my ear and pinches my earlobe. ‘What are you doing?’ I ask with a chuckle, hoping she doesn’t see how close she came to giving me an erection just now.

She shrugs and continues to smile as she closes her eyes and puts her head under the water. I seize the opportunity to look at her body. Her breasts are perfectly round and perky, nipples slightly pink. Her waist curves down to small hips. She’s a little too thin, but she’s already not quite as thin as she was three days ago. My gaze slides down a bit farther to the scars on her thighs, and suddenly I see her hand reaching out to me again.

‘Kiss me.’

A painful longing fills my chest to the point that I feel I might burst. I place my left hand on her face and my right hand on her waist, ready to put some distance between our hips in case I get too excited. Then I pull her lips to mine and kiss her slowly. Her hands land on my chest, then slide down and around to my lower back. I try to focus on anything other than being inside of her, but it’s so fucking hard.

‘Ow,’ she whimpers.

I pull my head back, completely embarrassed that I just bit her lip without realizing what I was doing. ‘Sorry. I got a little carried away.’

‘It’s okay.’ She shakes her head and leans into me. ‘Don’t stop.’

I kiss her again, this time a bit harder and she moans into my mouth. Oh, fuck. I push her hips back a little and she groans.

‘Why are you pushing me?’

‘I can’t do this.’ I clear my throat, unsure how to explain this to her. ‘You’re getting me too excited.’ She tries unsuccessfully to suppress her grin, so she covers her mouth with her hand. ‘You think that’s funny?’

‘No. I just think it’s kind of cool that I make you feel that way, and that it scares you.’

‘You think it’s cool that I’m scared of making you uncomfortable?’

‘Okay, maybe it’s not cool, but it’s very sweet. You can turn around if that makes you feel better. I should probably wash your hair now anyways. You stink.’

I kiss her and she’s caught off-guard, which elicits an immediate whimper. It’s such a fucking beautiful sound. Her hands reach up and she clutches my hair to hold my head still as she kisses me back.

‘I love you.’ The words sound slightly garbled by the water flowing into my mouth as I kiss my way down her jaw and to her neck. ‘I love you so much. I don’t want to hurt you.’

She leans her head to the side, opening herself up to me, like a flower waiting for a honeybee. I kiss her neck, sucking gently so I don’t leave a mark, but enough to fully appreciate the taste of her skin.

‘Crush?’

‘Yes, baby.’

‘I think . . . I think I want you to touch me.’

Pulling my head back, I gaze into her eyes to make sure she’s ready, because her words sounded unsure. Her chest is heaving as she meets my gaze straight on and nods.

I place my left hand behind her neck and pull her toward me so I can kiss her. My other hand lands gently on the small of her back, waiting for another needy whimper or moan to tell me she’s ready. And, sure enough, seconds later she gives it to me.

I slowly slide my hand over her abdomen, giving her the opportunity to stop me, but she doesn’t. I keep moving down until my hand is between her legs and she gasps.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Oh, I—’ She seems unable to speak so I quickly remove my hand. She grabs it to stop me from pulling away. ‘No, I’m fine. I just did not expect it to feel like that.’

‘Does it hurt?’

‘No!’

I kiss her forehead and this brings her smile back. ‘Maybe we should just get washed up and go watch some reality TV.’

She sighs as she stares at my lips. ‘Okay. But I won’t forget that you rejected me.’

‘I’m not rejecting you. I want to make you feel how much I love you, but I want to do it out there where I can dote on you. Not in here where I can’t even see what I’m doing. Is that okay?’

She nods and I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Something about this didn’t feel right. We’ll both know it when it is. And when it’s right, it will be that much more amazing for both of us.

*****

After two excruciating hours of cuddling on the sofa, watching reality TV while thinking of nothing but all the ways I’d like to have sex with Mikki, I switch off the TV and ask her something I’ve wanted to ask ever since she told me she wrote a poem about me.

‘I have a favor to ask you.’

‘You want to sleep in my bed tonight?’

‘Ha-ha. Actually, I was wondering if you’d help me with my song.’

She lifts her head off my chest and looks up at me. ‘What song? “Black Box”?’

‘Yeah. Ever since you said you write poetry, I was thinking maybe you could look at the lyrics and see if there’s anything that could be improved.’

‘There’s nothing that can be improved. It’s beautiful. Besides, just because I write poetry doesn’t mean I’m any good at it. I kind of suck.’

‘Somehow, I doubt that.’

‘You have too much faith in my artistic abilities. I do write better when I’m not on my meds, but not as good as I do when I’m stoned. Just being honest.’

‘Okay, you don’t have to help, but can you just look at the lyrics with me and see if maybe you see some room for improvement. I need to work on the song just a little more before Saturday, especially now that I’m going to be performing it live in front of Kane instead of recording and editing it. I want it to be perfect and I’m still not completely happy with the second verse.’

I grab my phone off the table, ignoring the notifications of missed calls and texts, and go straight to my music-writing app. I open it up and it shows all the tabs and lyrics for the song, and it’s all editable.

‘That’s a cool app. They make an app for everything,’ Mikki remarks as she watches me scroll through to the second verse.

‘You’re going to think this is even cooler or totally lame, but this is my app. I hired an app developer to help create an app where I could write music. None of the apps I found had all the features I wanted.’

‘That is very cool. So you’re the only person who has this app, like Black Box?’

‘No, it’s for sale and it’s been downloaded millions of times.’

‘That is why you’re rich and I’m not. I need an app.’

‘But when you meet my parents, you can’t mention the app. They don’t know anything about it. I’ve kept the app and the revenue it generates a secret.’

She smiles. ‘When I meet your parents?’

‘Stop grinning. You know it’s bound to happen.’

‘Why don’t you want them to know about the app or all the millions you’re making? Don’t you think they’d be proud?’

‘Probably, but I’m keeping it a secret until I graduate in May. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when I tell them I don’t need their trust fund.’

She sits up and looks at me, appearing confused. ‘Why don’t you want your trust fund?’

I sit up straight so I can look at her straight on. ‘When you grow up privileged, the way I have, you live your whole life balanced over a safety net with no holes. No fear of falling. Even when you screw up and cause your best friend’s death. I’m tired of living like that.’ I run my hand down my face, trying to block out the image of Jordan’s face the moment he realized a large fragment of the shotgun shell had lodged in his neck and he was hemorrhaging. ‘I want to live my life with a little less control. I kept this a secret so that I wouldn’t disgrace my father when everyone at school finds out I rejected the trust fund. Anyway, I’m hoping to do some traveling after I graduate.’

‘Traveling to where?’ She looks a little worried at this news.

‘Wherever you want to go.’ She smiles and I pat my lap for her to sit with me.

She straddles my legs and drapes her arms over my shoulders. ‘I want to go to Australia. They speak English, but there’s all kinds of poisonous animals, which makes it sort of exotic.’

‘We’ll go to Australia.’

‘Where do you want to go?’ She musses up my hair and I turn my head to bite her arm playfully.

‘I want to go home. Will you go to my apartment with me tomorrow?’

Her eyes widen with excitement. ‘Yes!’

I laugh at her enthusiasm. ‘It’s not as exotic as Australia, but I promise there are no poisonous animals.’

‘I can’t wait.’

Chapter 40: MIKKI – January 7th

Finally, I’m the first to wake up and I’m not at all embarrassed to find the drool spot on my pillow once I see the tent Crush is creating with the comforter. I’ll just slide out of bed to go to the restroom. Maybe he’ll wake up on his side while I’m in there, relieved that I didn’t see his morning wood. But as soon as I move, he groans and I quickly turn away from him so he doesn’t see my smile.

He reaches for me and I can’t hold it in. ‘Stop!’

I look over my shoulder at him, trying not to laugh at the adorable confused look on his face. Then he reaches under the covers, feels around a little bit, and shakes his head.

‘I’ll be right back.’

I check my phone messages while I wait for him. A few minutes later, he returns from the bathroom, smelling like toothpaste. He gets right back under the covers with me and I smile as he beckons me to spoon with him.

‘How embarrassing was that?’ I ask as he wraps his arm around my waist and I back up into him so his chest is flush against my back.

‘On a scale of one to ten, um . . . quadrillion.’

He brushes his lips over my neck and I close my eyes, trying to stay relaxed, but it’s more difficult when I can’t see his face. I spin around in his arms until I’m facing him.

‘I finally checked my voicemail messages. I had about thirty messages from my mom and Meaghan and two messages from my therapist.’ My stomach clenches inside me as I think of her words and the hint of emotion I heard in her voice. ‘She said she wanted to talk to me and would be willing to come in after hours or on the weekend . . . The power of suggestion. Like, if she suggests we should talk on the weekend, I’ll subconsciously try to stay alive to fulfill this prophecy.’

‘But you will be alive this weekend. And the weekend after that?’