What should I say?

What was he going to say?

Was that all he was willing to give me? Because I was already longing for another taste of his mouth, and I may have pleaded with my eyes for him to do that again. But he wasn’t looking. Not once.

What was wrong with me?

“Good night, Leah,” he then said casually.

“Good night,” I whispered half-heartedly, my heart torn straight out of my chest.

And just like that, everything was back to normal again.                          

The kiss was forgotten. Our days resumed. And for the next couple years, I watched from afar the countless girls that came and went, brief interruptions in our best friend paradigm that would have the masses face palming at once. Rome would tell me I was an idiot, and I would agree.

At least I was an idiot on purpose.

Carter

Twist me up with jealousy
Make my imagination run away from me
until the daggers of our twisted reality
ravage me internally.

And I’ve fallen away, fallen away from
everything
And I’m too numb, too numb
to feel the pain when I sing.

I knock back tonight’s countless drink
Torn apart by your need
to drive my sanity to its brink.
I’ve fallen into madness
and you’re too far gone to care.

And I’ve fallen away, fallen away from
everything
And I’m too numb, too numb
to feel the pain when I sing.

*

Want in her eyes. The way her breathing hitched when I neared her.

Lips parted. Her eyes widened.

I should never have kissed her.

That was the second strike against me.

Six

2005
16 years old

“There’s a party this Friday,” Rome said, taking a huge bite out of his poutine.

I looked up from my History assignment – the same damn assignment that was due next period after lunch was over. Procrastination was a bitch, and I never learned.

“Okay?” I replied to him, uncaringly.

He looked sideways at me, his green eyes shimmering with mischief. “So, we should go. It’s at Tiffany’s house. Tiffany’s a bitch, but she has a pool.”

I looked across the cafeteria and at said bitch, who was currently twirling her abnormally shiny bronze hair and giggling to Carter and his friends. She was a piece of work, apparently. Had screwed half the guys in her grade and Carter was actually giving her his time of day. Didn’t he know she was behind most of the rumours spread about me?

Her clique was leaning over their table, listening in with bright eyes and make-up caked faces. No food, per usual. Eating air was somehow filling.

As if sensing me, Carter turned away from her and met my gaze. My heart skipped a beat, especially when he grinned at me – it was a smile reserved specifically for me – and it sent my body haywire with warm tingles.

I forced myself to look away and back into Rome’s eyes. “I’m not interested.”

He sighed and leaned back in his chair, and my gaze automatically roamed down his torso. He was filling out a bit, and in return a lot more girls were taking interest. Which made me wonder…

“You’re doing this to get laid,” I noted, shaking my head at him. “I should’ve known it.”

His face fell. “Hell no, I’m not. I just want to experience the high school life, Leah.”

“I don’t believe you. What girl has caught your attention? Is it Amy Davis? She’s a cheater, you know. Screwed a guy in the boy’s restroom and got caught by the vice principal. Everyone’s calling her Toilet Ho.”

“Amy? Hell to the no. I’m not thinking about sex right now. Jesus, you have a dirty mind.”

“When you live with a whore, it’s hard not to.”

He frowned, ignoring my comment entirely. “Shut up for a second, alright? I’m thinking about going to a party because I think it’ll be good for the two of us. We don’t have to be losers walking the halls anymore. It’s like we have the plague.”

I put a hand over my heart. “You wound me,” I sarcastically replied. “I love being a loser, and I love the plague we’re carrying because it keeps bitches like Tiffany and her cheap posse off my back.”

He sneered. “They talk shit about you all the time.”

“Yeah, behind my back. Bitches know if they said it to face, they’ll have theirs torn off.”

I learned very quickly that being nasty was the only way to avoid being walked all over. You cower from a bully and they thrive. You stand up for yourself, and you’ve got at least a shot. Nobody wants to pick on someone if it’s hard work.

He glowered at me for a few minutes, and I scribbled some more notes down about Ancient Egypt. Because apparently I had to give a flying shit about mummies and pyramids.

On that note, the fuck were they thinking with the whole Canopic jars shit? No, just no, that was not cool.

“Shit,” Rome then muttered. “Asshole coming your way, Leah.”

Before I could respond, I heard a familiar voice go, “Hey, Leah.”

I stiffened.

This was a voice I didn’t want to be hearing directed at me.

“Leah, Leah,” he repeated, chuckling.

I sighed, ignoring James, some douchebag in my math class, as he leaned over me and threw a five dollar bill on my assignment. I smelled his cheap cologne as he brought his mouth to my ear and said, “Graeme said you’re into some… extracurricular activities.”

Fucking Graeme. Still being a dick.

I heard laughter behind James, no doubt coming from his gallant buds.

I pushed the bill off my assignment and resumed writing. My anger simmered, but I bit down on my violent urge to stick the tip of my pencil in his eye.

“Was wondering how we should do this exchange?” he went on. “Does five cover kisses and… handy activities? And how much more might involve that sweet mouth of yours?”

“Fuck off, James,” Rome growled out.

“Not talking to you, asshole,” James retorted. “And you talk back at me one more time and I’ll have my boys take care of that fucking mouth of yours.”

I looked up from my assignment and shot Rome a look, warning him not to egg these bastards on. The last thing I needed was for his face to be painted in bruises. I slowly shook my head at him, and he glowered back, knowing damn well I was right.