Maybe at that point I should have realized I deserved a little better.

*

An arm wrapped around me a couple hours later, stirring me awake.

Carter’s mouth skirted along my neck and shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered contritely.

I shook my head at him. “Don’t be. I was prying.”

“Only because you care.”

He continued to kiss me, and I relaxed in his hold, feeling that heavy ache in my chest disappear. My mood was always so intertwined with his, and I knew that wasn’t a good thing. I should have been the one demanding space this time. He was clouding my thoughts. Issues like the ones he was going through couldn’t just disappear, which meant I would be facing his attitude problems more in the future, and I didn’t want to be on the other end of that.

But I was too sympathetic to his emotions. He meant so much to me, I couldn’t push him away or ask for space. I was hungry for him, remember? I was taking him however way he was willing to give me, no matter how little it was. He was my addiction, and I could endure a few rough moments.

When his lips touched my cheek, I smelled the toothpaste in his mouth and felt his wet hair brush against me. He’d showered. It must have been four in the morning and he’d likely been up most of the night.

I turned my face to him and he kissed my mouth, slowly and softly. It felt different than other times, like he truly needed my touch. I turned my body to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, and he moved over top of me.

Needily, he stripped me and took his briefs off. He was hard and ready and desperately moving in between my legs as he kissed me harder.

“Please, let me,” he whispered against my mouth.

I nodded. “Of course.”

He swiftly thrust into me, gripping my thigh tightly with one hand. He groaned and paused, resting his forehead against mine as he panted against my lips. I held him to me hard and lifted my hips against him, encouraging him to take me.

He did. Slowly and tenderly, with his other hand wrapped around my hair. It didn’t last long. We lost ourselves, falling into sync with need. He was trying to forget something, and I was trying to bring him into me. We were taking each other for two completely different reasons, and I didn’t care in that moment. I just wanted to pretend it was something more.

My fingers dug into his back and I came just as he did, holding him to me tightly as we both rode out a tremendous wave of pleasure.

It died after that, fading into the silence. He didn’t move off of me straightaway, but he turned his face away from me, guarding his expression. I felt his heartbeats, hard and fast against my own. I wondered what he wasn’t saying. I was growing tired of not knowing.

Eventually he climbed off me, but he gathered me in his arms and kissed my shoulder. After minutes of silence, he suddenly whispered, “It was my dad that called me.”

“Why?”

“He’s trying to mend things. I told him to fuck off, and he exploded at me, bringing up my mom. Bringing up things that happened when she was alive. Shit like that, and I felt blindsided. I let him get to me.”

I wanted him to continue, but he stopped there.

“I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry, Leah.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not. I can’t afford to fuck this up with you. Sometimes I think all I have is you.” He sighed and squeezed me to him. “Without our friendship, I’d be fucked.”

I exhaled long and slow and shut my eyes.

That dreaded word again. I wondered how he could say it after what we’d just done. He was delusional. Or maybe I was. Hell, I was too tired to know.

“Well, I’m here,” I managed out, just barely.

He squeezed me to him again and held me for a little while.

And then he was gone again just as I began to fall back asleep.

Carter

There’s a line, and I wasn’t going to cross it.

If I pushed everyone away, nobody would have the power to ruin me.

Fourteen

Summer of 2008

19 years old

“Um, excuse me,” said a girl’s voice, patting me on the shoulder. “Can you tell me which one of those guys is Carter Matheson?”

I turned around from the table I’d just served and saw two girls standing in front of me. They were chewing bubble gum, smiles wide as they shamelessly gawked at a table in the far distance. I sighed for the tenth time today only because I’d answered that question for the tenth time today.

“The one in the black –”

“Leather jacket,” one of the girls interrupted with a squeal. “I fucking knew it, Anne. The hottest one is him. Ohmigosh! Thanks, Melanie.”

Melanie? I looked down at the name on my uniform. Ugh, I’d taken Mel’s one again. She’d been doing her clothes at my place since her washer broke. By the time I opened my mouth to correct them, the girls were long gone. Probably at Carter’s table already, so they could fawn all over him. I avoided staring in that vicinity, only because my jealousy levels might have turned me into a homicidal maniac.

Just seven months after Fatal Rebellion was formed – and man I hated that name – they were somewhat of a household name in Abbotsford. At least for the younger generation anyway. The bar was overrun by College goers, and so, so many girls. Like flies to shit, Carter was a popular piece of eye candy.

Just like I predicted.

Rome’s parents were loving it. Business was booming, the band was getting a nice slice of the pie per night, and I guess I was the only one having a little bit of a problem about it. The problem involved scantily clad girls around a man that refused to call me more than a friend, yet fucked me hard most nights until I was crying into the pillow, riding out the most earth shattering orgasm.

Yeah, pretty blunt shit like that was going on inside that head of mine.

No big deal.

“You’re looking all depressed again,” came Mel’s voice in my ear.

I plastered on a fake smile and turned to her. “No, I’m not depressed. I’m just… spectacular.” If spectacular meant bitter and pissy.

She raised a dark brow. “Spectacular?”

“Absolutely.”

“It’s Carter again, isn’t it?”

I didn’t respond. I looked around the bar, hoping to god someone would raise their hand to me and demand my attention. The last thing I needed was Melanie talking my ear off about Carter. From not wanting to tell her anything to realizing she was like my other half, she knew a little too much, had become my best friend since I’d started working here, and I guess I got carried away finding a confidante in another female. But she was great. An absolute life saver in a world of testosterone. It was good to be away from Carter and Rome every now and again, especially in the beginning when they argued non-stop. At least now things had cooled off tremendously, and they got along around the time Rome started jumping girls. I always suspected Carter finally let the resentment go when he didn’t view Rome as a threat anymore, but that was completely wishful thinking.