“How can you not see?” I asked him, and it wasn’t in a nasty way. I was being sincere. “All I’ve ever wanted was to be involved. To help you and be there for you. Why can’t you just involve me? We’ve been through everything together, Carter. What will it take for you to realize we have something?”

He only stared at me, though. The passion that he’d shed only minutes ago was gone, replaced by a stone cold wall I didn’t believe I would ever penetrate. His scars ran deeper than I ever thought they did. He alienated me so he could keep his secrets with him, and it was me who came to the realization that this was never going to work. We were too stubborn for our own good.

“You want me to give up on you, don’t you?” I whispered to him just then. “Well then fine. I give up.”

He stiffened just barely before tearing his eyes off of me. He walked past me and into his room without another word. In that exact moment, I regretted taking it so far with him. I wished I’d kept my distance from him, careful not to give myself away so heartily and readily. I would have taken it all back. Every moment together, beautiful as it was, I’d have turned the other cheek and moved on.

This kind of heartbreak wasn’t worth it.

*

He was sitting on the couch the next morning in nothing but his jeans on, staring on at the television with dead eyes and a frown. I tiptoed out of my bedroom and into the kitchen, hoping he wouldn’t hear me. I needed to steer clear of him. I couldn’t bear another confrontation.

I put the kettle on and dug out my mug from the cupboard. I made my cup of coffee and leaned my back against the counter, draining every last drop of it. Then I made another cup. I was dead. Physically and emotionally, I was drained and I was hoping this disgusting coffee might help clear the fog.

“Leah.”

I went rigid at the sound of his voice. I barely turned my head to look at him approaching the kitchen. He was slow, as if he too had barely slept, and he stopped in front of the counter. He stared at me with tired eyes, and I could see the surrender in them as he rested his elbows on the counter and exhaled.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I was a dick last night. I’m sorry for shouting at you.”

I shrugged. “It’s okay.”

He looked at me for several moments, licking his lips for what he was about to say. “Look… I should have known, right? I should have known you would want more. I was foolish and selfish. I wanted a taste of you, had always wanted it, and I fucked up by taking that extra step. I didn’t realize in the process I would be leading you on, that you would want more from me than I could give you.” He sighed and ran a hand over his hair, staring idly at a spot on the wall. “Everything just seemed good the way it was. No strings attached. Stress free. The fact we were good friends and… I should’ve known it was different for you.”

I didn’t respond. I had nothing left to offer. Also because nothing had really changed for him along the way. He kept to the basics of what a friends with benefits should have been, and I was the one that failed to meet those conditions. To be fair, it was entirely my fault. I wanted more right from the start and was willing to take him in any way.

It made this entire situation all the more tragic, and I felt almost betrayed that even after everything, he didn’t want more.

I hated him a little.

“Look, despite everything, I care about our friendship,” he continued. “I don’t want us to have a fall-out. I can’t stand to have you against me. This can be worked on. We can resume what we were before… all of this. We can still be friends, Leah. Nothing on the side. Just friends.”

With a flat voice, I asked, “Is that what you want?”

His eyes flicked to mine, and he swallowed hard. “Yeah.”

“Then why do you sound uncertain?”

“I’m not,” he denied firmly.

I took another sip of my coffee and shook my head at him. With a monotone voice, I told him, “Somehow I don’t think being friends is wise.”

“Why?”

“Everything that’s happened is too fresh, don’t you think?”

He frowned. “So what would you rather us be then, Leah?”

I shrugged. “We’ll co-exist, and I’ll do my best to tolerate you, but I’m not going to be your buddy. In fact, you’re my roommate now. Period.”

“Roommate?” he sneered in disbelief.

My spine stiffened as I shot him a look. “Did I stutter?”

Despite the seriousness, his lip perked up in a smirk. “That’s not going to last very long. You’ll crumble and need me all over again.”

I raised a brow and stared evenly at him. “The truth of the matter is, Carter, you needed me a lot more than I needed you. And that’s something you can’t deny.”

That lip flattened immediately. His eyes darkened. “Is that right?”

“Yeah.”

He studied me for a moment, and I think he knew I was right. He knew this was too far fucked. That we could never be what we were before. We’d ruined that possibility the second we decided to take things further. But it was as though he wanted to put the blinders on. He didn’t want to acknowledge the horrible truth.

Well, he would have to.

As far as I was concerned, I was no longer interested in ever being friends.

Actually, I wasn’t interested in being anything at all to Carter Matheson.

“Fine,” he eventually said, retreating from the kitchen, a look of disdain on his face. “You want to reduce me to a roommate? You’ll get a roommate, Leah. Just remember, be careful what you wish for.”

And with that, he turned and walked away.

Nineteen

Winter of 2008
19 years old

School.

Work.

Hating Carter.

Those three things occupied most of my time.

It had taken him exactly a month before his eyes drifted from mine. A month before the girls were sitting in his lap and he was taking things to another level.

To say it made me feel like a used up tissue tossed to the curb was a severe understatement. There was nothing more awesome than knowing you weren’t all that important to someone as you thought you were, and that they could easily replace you.

Fucker.

I glared at him as I paced back and forth. He was seated in his usual spot with the guys, and he was leaning into a girl, brushing her hair behind her ears as he spoke to her. When Jared turned around from his chair and lifted his hand up to me, I froze and hastily searched for Melanie. I would not be serving them. Hell to the no.