Author: Nyrae Dawn

But I feel okay. The first time I slept with Gregory I freaked out. Went to the bathroom, sat on the floor and had a panic attack he never knew about. He didn’t know about any of them. Once I calmed down I washed my face like I just did here and went back into the room smiling.

It feels good not to have to smile if I don’t want to.

Colt’s standing in his room when I get there. He’s wearing a pair of long, cargo shorts and a t-shirt. It shouldn’t look as gorgeous on him as it does.

He picks up sunglasses and slips them on. It’s the first time I’ve seen him wear them and can’t stop myself from asking, “Have a little too much to drink last night?”

“I’m cool.” His voice sounds distant. I’m sure he’s like this with every girl he sleeps with. I don’t know why I didn’t really expect it with us. I don’t know if I care or not. I definitely shouldn’t care.

I shake my head and walk out of the room. I’m not dealing with this. It’s supposed to be easy and if he’s going to be a jerk afterward, it’s not worth it.

Colt follows me out and we’re quiet for the ten minute drive to my dorm.

“Let me know…about your mom.” I reach for the handle as he pulls into the lot.

The only reply I get is a nod of his head. Again, whatever.

I open the door, get out and close it. We’re supposed to be old enough to sleep together without it being awkward the next day. Especially when I can tell that’s what he does—sleeps with people he never plans on being serious about.

I’m almost to the steps when I hear him yell, “Chey!” I turn and Colt’s standing outside the driver’s door looking at me.

Seconds pass by and he doesn’t say anything.

“Tick tock,” I say.

“Did it help?” His words come out unsure.

The tightness in my shoulders evaporates. I let out a deep breath and suddenly know we’ll be okay. That whatever it is—this charade we’re playing is still intact.

“Yeah…yeah it did. You?”

Then he smiles. It’s not a huge one and I can’t see well enough to know if his dimple is showing.

“Yep.” Colt climbs back into his car and then he’s gone.

I chuckle as I go inside. Smile again when I walk into my room. I’m not there for a minute before my phone rings.

One glance takes the smile from my face. I know I can’t keep ignoring her.

“Hey,” I say to Aunt Lily when I pick up the phone.

“Cheyenne! I’ve been so worried about you. Don’t avoid me like that anymore. I know it’s hard…but we have to stick together.”

And I know what she’s saying. She’s Mom’s sister. I’m her daughter. We’re all that’s left of her. I hate how I’m treating her, but can’t seem to stop either. Can’t let her in.

My hand tightens around my phone.

“I won’t.”

“I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine.” Am I?

Aunt Lily sighs. “We want to have a service for her, Cheyenne.”

“What!?” I pace the room. My heart has a seizure and my chest tightens. Don’t freak out, don’t freak out, don’t freak out.

Why is this even a surprise? I should have expected it. It’s normal, but…

“She deserves it. I want to say goodbye.”

Does she deserve it? Yes she does, but then she left me. She still left me and it was so normal for her that we didn’t think twice about her never coming back. What if she went in those woods and killed herself?

“I…”

“It will be good for us, Cheyenne. I want a place to go see her. She’s been alone all this time.” Lily’s voice cracks. “She was my baby sister.” The pain in her voice stabs into me.

She was my mom. What’s wrong with me?

“I know. I’m sorry. Let’s do it.”

The words come out, but I don’t mean them. If I tell her goodbye, that means she’ll really be gone.

~CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE~

Colt

I can’t fucking believe I’m doing this.

I’m sitting outside Cheyenne’s dorm, waiting for her to come down so we can go see my mom. My fucking mom. Adrian’s only met her in person once. I don’t do this, but Mom’s been driving me crazy about it for the past three days. I can’t disappoint her over something as small as this.

Cheyenne and I are already playing the game. What’s adding another level to it? Another lie we can both play and pretend is really a good idea. I’m not stupid. I know it’s not, but I know when I touch her it takes me away and I really fucking need a mental break. To lose myself in her heat.

“Hey,” she says from behind me. I stand up and turn. Damn, she’s hot. Her legs are firm and now I know it’s because she danced. Of course she’s wearing a skirt because she may not realize it, but in some ways she really is a princess.

Heat scorches beneath my skin and I want to forget everything, take her back to her room and strip her. “Let’s go back to your room.” I take a step toward her, almost touch her but stop. This situation we’re in is so screwed up because it’s a lie and I don’t know how to act around her.

Fuck it. I let my hand slide under her shirt and grip her waist. “It’ll be a lot more fun to stay here,” I say against her ear.

“Colt.” It sounds like a warning, but she leans her head to the side to give me better access to her neck. I dip my tongue in the hollow spot behind her ear.

“Let’s go.” I pull her against me and let her feel the reaction my body has to her.

“Your mom is expecting us.”

I kiss a trail to her mouth. “No…I didn’t tell her yet. I figured I’d call on the way.”

This makes her tense and I’m sure it’s going to be one of those things girls make a big ass deal of when it really doesn’t matter. “Don’t do that. Come on.” I try to persuade her.

“You were taking me to meet your mom and you didn’t even tell her yet?”

Groaning, I pull away. “It’s not a big deal. I was going to call her before we went.”

“No. You never planned on going. You may think you did, but you didn’t.”

“I—” Don’t have an answer. I shouldn’t have to have one. “You’re acting like a girlfriend.”

She pushes me away. “You’re acting like a prick.”

Cheyenne tries to walk away, but I grab her wrist. She’s fucking right and I know it. “Wait.” And she does. Doesn’t turn around and I don’t speak right away. Finally I man the hell up and say, “This isn’t easy.”

Cheyenne turns and I can see it in her eyes. She gets its. It’s crazy how much this girl gets me. I don’t pretend to understand it or want to.

“But it’s important.”

I give a short nod. “I’ll call her in the car.”

We get in her car and I pull out my phone and call Mom. It takes a while for her to answer, but she always does.

“Hello?” her voice sounds raspy.

“Hey. I’m heading over. I have—I have Cheyenne with me. I just wanted to make sure you were home and not running around town.”

I hope for a laugh and get one. “I love you,” she says and I’m not sure why.

“I love you too, Mom. You’re good? If you want me to come alone—”

“—I don’t think so,” she interrupts me. “You’re not getting out of this, Colton. I can’t wait to meet her.” I’m not surprised when she hangs up.

“We’re good,” I tell Cheyenne and she starts the car. I give her directions to Mom’s place, my leg bouncing up and down the whole time. She didn’t sound good. When does she ever sound good? Am I doing the right thing or being the biggest fucking fraud in the world by lying to my dying mom about Cheyenne?

I glance over at her. She looks nervous too and I realize she probably has shit going on right now that I’ve been too big a prick to think about. “You good?”

She nods. I recognize it as the one I give when I’m really not cool at all. “This means a lot to me.” It’s the best way I can think to say thanks.

“I know.”

“Did you talk to your aunt?”

Cheyenne looks at me and gives me that smile I know knocks guys on their asses all the time. “This isn’t about me.”

“I’d rather it be.”

“I know that too.”

We pull up at Mom’s old apartment complex. “She doesn’t look good.”

“More things I already know.”

I can’t help but crack a smile. “And you say I’m an asshole.” I pause for a few seconds. “You know she’s going to think you’re my girl, right? That she’s going to be gushing all over you because I’ve never brought anyone home and all she wants is—” I can’t finish the rest.

“I know.”

I feel like a pussy because I’m actually cracking up here, but Cheyenne leans forward and kisses me. I lose my head to her like always, biting at her lip and sucking her tongue into my mouth. Christ, I want this girl. More than I’ve ever wanted anyone else.

Too soon she pulls away.

We get out of the car and I lead her to the apartment. “Looks like I’m the one asking you to play the game this time,” I say to her before opening the door.

Mom’s sitting in her wheelchair by the window when we get there. She has a hat on which she doesn’t do much anymore and I know it’s because of Chey. I fucking hate she has to meet the first girl I’ve ever brought home dying and with no hair.

I hate that I’m a fucking liar and it’s not even real.

My gut aches. I try not to breathe through my nose as we go inside.

“Hey, Mom. I found this girl outside. Do you know her?” I point at Cheyenne, who smacks my arm.

Mom shrieks, “Colton!” And I want to curse the name. How could I have spaced that?

My hand itches to grab Cheyenne’s. I don’t know if it’s because I’m cracking up here or because I want to play the part. It’s not something Mom would expect though, so I don’t.

“Mom, this is Cheyenne. Chey, this is my mom, Bev.”

“It’s very nice to meet you.” Cheyenne holds her hand out for my mom who shakes it.

“It’s nice to meet you too.” Then she looks at me. “She’s gorgeous. What’s she doing with you?”

We all laugh. Cheyenne’s and Mom’s feel a lot more real than mine. I keep seeing her through Cheyenne’s eyes, this frail, dying woman, like that’s all she ever was. She doesn’t know the woman who used to work her ass off every day. The one who tried to get me to play every sport she could even though we couldn’t afford it, or kept going with no sleep after graveyard shifts at work to be there whenever I needed her.

The woman who loved to laugh and always told jokes and has a temper that makes her a good weapon to have on your side.

“Please, have a seat, Cheyenne.” Mom’s speaks softly, but I can tell she’s trying not to. Trying to sound normal.

“You don’t have to pretend to be nice to Cheyenne. She gives me hell all the time. She’s only showing you her good side.”

Cheyenne laughs and grabs my sides like she’s going to tickle me. I have no clue what she’s thinking because I’m definitely not ticklish, but still, I grab her arms and pull her toward me. Now she has her arms wrapped around my waist and we’re chest to chest. She’s laughing and I almost want to laugh with her. For a second it feels real and okay. The knot in my gut loosens and I’m not scared to breathe.