Author: Nyrae Dawn

“What happened?” I find myself asking.

“Well at first I didn’t know what it was, but I could tell he was nervous. He may think he is, but he’s not a good liar. I spent the evening watching him and I noticed him flinch when he leaned against the back of the couch. Don’t tell him I told you, but he’s not real good with pain either.”

I laugh, thinking of a younger Colt trying to hide a tattoo from Bev. “How did you figure it out?”

“Walked right over to him, made him stand and pulled his shirt up, of course.”

This makes me laugh harder. Soon Bev joins in, but then starts to cough. I can tell she’s out of breath. “Are you okay?”

She sighs. “Okay as I’ll ever be. Cheyenne…I want to do this. I feel the need to do it and I don’t want to wait.”

Two things hit me. First, if she doesn’t want to wait, she doesn’t think she has much time. My chest feels empty at the thought and my eyes begin to sting.

And second. Colt doesn’t approve. That’s why she’s coming to me. There’s no other reason that makes sense.

“Bev…”

“Please. Do you know how it feels to be a grown woman and have to beg for help for something like this? I want it. I need it and Colt is stubborn. I think…” her voice cracks and I think she might be crying.

“I think he somehow thinks I’ll get better. That I won’t be sick anymore and I’ll regret it. I know I’m not getting better, Cheyenne and I want this.”

I’m crying too now. How is Colt going to handle losing her? He won’t have anyone left.

He’ll have me.

Not that I know if he even wants me.

“You can’t leave. I can’t risk taking you out of the house.”

The silence on the other side of the phone tells me she thinks it’s a lost cause.

“That’s what Maggie said. What’s the difference? I’m dying anyway.”

Those words are the answer I need. They confirm the only decision I can make right now. It helps knowing her nurse is okay with it. “I’ll make it happen, okay? Don’t worry. I’ll do this for you.”

I hang up the phone, scared to death helping Bev is going to make me lose Colt. This isn’t my place. She’s not my mom, but she came to me as a friend. I know what it’s like to need someone and not have anyone there. I won’t let Bev feel that way.

***

It’s going to cost me a lot of money to get this tattoo artist to go to Bev. I can’t even tell them what kind of tattoo she wants or anything, but I find a girl willing to go.

She lost a grandma to cancer.

“I lost my mom too,” I tell her. It’s so crazy. It’s the first time I’ve said the words that way. Said them at all except for the first time I told Colt. They hurt—prick and prod at my insides, but not as much as I thought they would. It’ slowly becoming okay. Well, not okay, but a part of me. Real.

Tammy gives me a sad smile as she packs up all her tattooing equipment.

She follows me over to Bev’s. On the way, I try to call Colt. No answer again. It’s the third time I’ve tried. He’s going to be pissed, but I want to at least tell him what I’m doing.

“Thank you, so much,” I tell Tammy as I lead her toward the building.

“No problem,” the tattooed, pierced woman says.

I knock and Maggie answers the door. She startles a little at the two of us. “Bev called and asked me to come over.”

“Does Colton know?” she asks.

“No. But she wants it. He’ll understand.” I lie. Or I don’t. I don’t know. I think he’ll get it. It’s just a tattoo, but if what Bev said is right then I get what it means to him. If she won’t have the chance to regret it, it really means she’s really dying.

Oh God.

I suddenly feel dizzy. My chest starts to tighten. Am I doing the right thing?

I fight back the panic threatening to take me over. “Can we come in?”

Maggie nods and steps back. We walk around the woman and into the hallway. “She’s in her bedroom.”

“Is she sleeping?” I ask.

“No. Now I see why.” Maggie smiles and I feel a little bit better.

“This is okay?” What if something I do hurts her?

As if she knows where my thoughts are going, Maggie grabs my hand. “It’s not going to hurt her. A lot of people do things like this toward the end. It’s a way to honor their living and feel like she’s keeping him with her.

Him.

It has to do with Colt.

Stupid tears threaten to come again. I don’t know why the hell I’m crying so much.

Would my mom have gotten a tattoo for me if she knew she was dying?

Is it selfish of me to wonder that right now?

Maggie leads us to Bev’s room. She’s sitting up in bed, a hat on her bald head. My heart seizes seeing her. She’s so sick, it’s surprising she can even sit up right now.

“Hey.” I walk over and give her a hug. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, but I know I can’t imagine doing anything else. “This is Tammy. She’s going to give you some ink.” I wink, trying to sound light.

Tammy looks nervous as she shakes Bev’s hand. “Nice to meet you. Do you know what you want?”

Bev nods. Tears almost come again when she tells Tammy what she wants. The tattoo artist smiles and starts to prepare her equipment. I watch as she opens all new packages—even new paper towels and cloth. She sets out ink and cleaner, explaining she only brought a few colors.

That’s okay, Bev tells her. She only needs black.

I hold Bev’s left hand while Tammy tattoos her right wrist. She doesn’t flinch at all, sits there strong eyes glued to Tammy while she works. I can’t stop myself from looking at her. I bet she was beautiful. I’m sure her hair was blonde like Colt’s. He has her smile. The dimple I love, though I think hers is deeper. Because she’s so skinny or if it was always that way, I don’t know.

I see pride simmering off her while Tammy works. See how happy she is. How honored she is to be doing this for her boy.

For Colt.

I think she might be the most incredible mom in the world. This woman who has been through so much, but she’s still here. My mom who hadn’t been through nearly as much, but wasn’t.

Both gone or dying too early, one with nothing to repent, but suddenly I’m angry. Angry about my mom and so honored by Colt’s.

Funny… I’m not mad at her though. For her. Because she missed seeing me the way Bev sees Colt. Because she was taken when she still had so many years to change. What if she’d changed?

“All done.” Tammy’s gloves snap as she removes them. Bev doesn’t move. Doesn’t speak. For a second I’m afraid I did the wrong thing. That she does regret it or Tammy did something wrong, but then she looks up at me. Tears glittering from her purple ringed eyes and I know those tears aren’t of regret. They’re of love and happiness.

“It’s beautiful.” Bev tries to smile between her tears.

She’s not my mom and I hardly know her, but I hug her. Tight. Hug her like my mom had hugged me the last time I saw her. Did that mean she knew she would never see me again? Right now, it doesn’t matter. Nothing does besides Bev and love for her son and the look of pride on her face.

I hug her so tight I’m afraid I’ll break her, but I can see she knows she’s done something today. To her, no matter how small this is, it’s something huge for her. Now Colt isn’t only a part of her heart, but he’s engraved into her skin too.

“Thank you. So much for helping me do this,” she whispers in my ear.

“Absolutely. I’m glad I could.”

I pull away and see that Tammy isn’t in the room. I’m wiping tears and Bev’s wiping tears.

“How much do I owe her?” she asks and I shake my head.

“Don’t worry about it—”

“No—”

It’s the least I can do. For her. For Colt. “Please. Don’t worry about it.”

Bev squeezes my hand. “I’m tired. I need to rest.” Her eyes are already fluttering closed.

“Okay. We’ll tell Maggie how to care for it. She’ll have to come in and wrap it,” I tell her, not sure she even heard me. When I’m a couple steps from the bed, her voice stops me.

“I’m glad he has you.”

I leave before I break down in front of her. He does have me. I only wish I knew if he wanted me or not.

Tammy’s waiting for me when I get to the living room. “How much do I owe you?”

A tattooed hand wipes a tear away on her own face. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

***

I can’t sleep. Andy’s snoring in the bed next to mine. The room is dark, my cell phone gripped tightly in my hand. I’ve called Colt a million times today and no answer. We left each other earlier. I called before and after the tattoo. Nothing.

I would try Adrian, but I don’t have his number. Would go over there, but don’t know if that’s too, “stalker-girlfriend.” He doesn’t have to call me. There’s no rule, but he usually does or we’re together.

I roll over in the bed, knowing sleep won’t come. Knowing if I try dreams of Mom dying, of being in the dark or of Bev’s sick face will haunt me.

So I lay here and let my thoughts haunt me instead.

Rolling over, I pull the picture from under the mattress holding it in the opposite hand as my phone. Willing one to ring and needing the other close.

***

I’m exhausted the next day. I tossed and turned all night. Every time my eyes closed the dreams would come making them jerk open again.

I try Colt five more times. No answer.

Fear seeps its way into me. No, it’s been there since last night, but now it’s multiplying.

I take a quick shower and dress. Go to class though I don’t feel like it. Keep trying Colt’s phone and don’t get an answer.

It’s a long day at school and it’s late afternoon by the time I’m done. I need to check on Bev.

I need to find Colt.

I drive by the house. Adrian answers the door and says he hasn’t seen him since yesterday. I check his room to make sure. My heart is going crazy now, begging me to let the panic take over.

Bones in the woods.

She’s gone.

I’ll help you find your mama.

I start to feel dizzy. What if something happened to him? What if he’s hurt or alone like Mom was?

“Whoa. You okay?” Adrian grabs my arm, but I jerk away. I can’t have hands on me right now.

“I have to go. Call me if you find him.” I rattle my number off to him.

I concentrate on my breathing as I drive to Bev’s. Get it together, get it together, get it together. I can’t scare her. Maybe he went to her house. Maybe he’s mad at me. There are a million possibilities and the last thing I need to do is scare her.

I knock on the door and Maggie answers again. “Is Colt here?” I ask.

“No. I haven’t seen him since yesterday before you came over.”

I hold my breath so she can’t tell I’m breathing so hard. He’s fine.

Bones in the woods.

“Can I check on Bev?” I fight my voice to keep it steady.

“Sure. She’s in her room resting.”

Maggie lets me in and I go straight for Bev’s room. I don’t pause before slipping in the open room. It will give me more time to freak out.

“Hi.” Don’t scare her. “I just wanted to check on your tattoo.”

She holds out her wrist proudly. “It looks amazing.”

I want to touch it, but know it will hurt. “Are you putting the cream on?”