Author: Nyrae Dawn

Adrian catches me as I fall. “They’re going to fix him. Let them do their job.”

“He just lost his mom,” I sob. Please let him be okay. Please let him be okay. “I don’t want to leave him.”

“You’re not,” he whispers in my ear. “You’re making it so they can take care of him. He knows you wouldn’t leave him.”

My eyes find Adrian. His are bloodshot and I wonder if it’s from crying or being high. Whatever the reason, he’s somehow calming. And he cares about Colt. He’s a good friend.

“Excuse me, miss? We need to get some information from you,” a dark-haired nurse asks.

I nod. After glancing once more at the closed curtain of Colt’s room I follow her. Adrian stays with me the whole time—helping with some of the information on Colt. I don’t even know his birthday. How can I not know his birthday?

I tell them what happened. They call the cops, promising to let me know the second they know anything about him.

My legs are shaking so bad it’s hard to walk, but I can’t make myself sit down either. Adrian watches me the whole time, but doesn’t speak. He’s always so laid back, but right now, he’s uptight. Tense. He looks as panicky as I feel.

The cops come and we still don’t know anything about Colt. I tell them what happened. They want to know who pushed who first. I don’t want to tell them since it was Colt. It was all a screwed-up accident.

I give them Gregory’s full name. I don’t know anyone else’s.

“Her ex-boyfriend is an asshole. He’s a spoiled, rich kid who doesn’t like to lose and he lost.” Adrian storms out of the room. Guilt knocks the air out of me. Choking me. This is all because of me. Because of the stupid game I made him play.

I finish giving them information and give them my phone number. I’m walking away as I say the last numbers. I wring my hands together as I approach the desk. “I need to check on Colton.” I’m almost scared to ask, but I need to know. He has to be okay. Has to.

“Is there any family?” the desk clerk asks. Me, I think. I’m family.

“They were asking about parents.”

“His mo—” Oh God. How could I have almost forgotten that quickly? Bev is dead. She only died hours ago. I shake my head. “No. His mom just passed away.”

She sighs, but I can tell it’s because she feels bad.

“Please.” I hate begging. Hate it. I’ll do anything in this moment. Weakness or strength doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but Colt.

Adrian appears out of nowhere, stepping up beside me. I feel like we’re a team. The both of us loving the guy in the emergency room. It’s crazy because I don’t know him well. He’s there a lot, smokes a lot of pot. I never would have thought he’d be the kind of guy I’d be friends with, but then I never thought I’d fall in love with Colt either. The both of them are better than Gregory and his friends would ever be.

“Tell us,” Adrian says, his voice pained.

She sighs again. “Since you’re the one who brought him in, I guess it’s okay. Let me get the nurse.”

She slips through the door. Again I pace. I’ve cried so many tears my face is finally dry, but it doesn’t change how I feel in the inside. I’m breaking apart in there.

The sliding door opens and it’s the doctor who comes out. Adrian slips an arm around me, to steady himself or me, I don’t know.

“You’re his…”

“Fiancé,” I lie.

She’s a female doctor, with short blond hair.“We ran some scans and there’s slight swelling on his brain, and a bleed. It’s where the blood is trapped with nowhere to go. When the surgery is done, he’ll go into the ICU. We’ll give him a couple days, run some more tests in the meantime. We won’t know much until then.”

I almost fall, but Adrian holds me up.

“He only hit his head!” Which sounds ridiculous, but people fall and hit their head all the time. One minute he was standing there and that quickly, over a stupid fight that has to do with me, he’s having surgery and going to the ICU.

“Our heads are very fragile. Sometimes that’s all it takes. The truth is, he can wake up and be fine. Have no side effects. You never know with the brain, but…”

He also might not. Or have brain damage. I’m sure there are more possibilities than I know about. I don’t want to hear them. “Can…can I stay with him?”

She nods. “When he’s settled in his room. No more than two visitors in the ICU rooms though.”

I nod and she goes back into the ER.

“Can I use your phone?” I ask Adrian. He nods. “I don’t know Maggie’s number. We should call her.”

I have no idea how I sound so steady right now. I feel like I’m falling apart.

“Keep my phone. I’ll go tell her. Give me the keys to your car too and I’ll grab yours.”

I give him the keys and Adrian doesn’t wait for me to say thank you. He leaves.

My fingers move quickly on the screen. It’s late, but Aunt Lily picks up on the second ring. “Hello?”

“Lily. It’s Chey. Please come. Colt’s hurt. I need you.”

***

I sit at Colt’s bed, holding his hand in the same way he held his mom’s. It’s not right. Not fair, but I’m learning—or maybe I’ve always known, that life never really is.

Adrian’s in the waiting room. He went out so Lily could sit with me. There is a tube in Colt’s throat, helping him breathe. There’s so many buttons, machines, beeping. Each time an alarm goes off I jump. We don’t know when or if he’ll wake up.

I can’t keep my eyes off him. His hair, his mouth. I want to touch his cheek. Kiss him. Hold him. How can we be here? After Bev we shouldn’t be sitting here wondering if Colt will be okay.

I glance back at Lily. She gives me a sad smile, stands up and walks over behind me. Her hands rest on my shoulders and I’m so thankful she’s here. I haven’t been fair to her. Maybe ever. I never let myself really get close to her after Mom left. Haven’t talked to her much since we found out Mom died, but she’s here. Here by my side. By Colt’s, regardless of how I never really let her in.

I want to deserve her.

“I have nightmares,” is the first thing that comes out of my mouth. Lily gives a small gasp behind me, but waits for me to continue. As soon as the words are out I’m glad I’m finally sharing them with her.

“After mom…I’ve started having nightmares. Really only when I sleep alone. Colt helps. Maybe just to know someone’s there. I used to have them right after Mom left…died? I don’t even know the right word to use. But then. I had them then too.” It’s a huge weight off my chest. Like I’m bridging the gap between us I always fought to keep there.

“Oh, sweetheart. Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

I shrug. “Because I was afraid. I didn’t want to be weak. Didn’t want to have to depend on anyone. I was scared to count on you because I thought you would leave like she did. Because it had to be me, right? There was no other reason a mom would leave her daughter.”

My eyes pool, but I manage to keep the tears from falling.

“It’s not you. It was never you, Cheyenne. I hope you know that now.”

I nod because I do. “Soon, it was just easy to keep it up. Even when you had me talk to the doctor in the beginning, I didn’t tell her. I tried to fight the panic attacks, didn’t want the medicine. I guess I was even afraid the stupid pill would leave me.”

Her grip tightens on my shoulder. “I used to feel like it was my fault your mom turned out how she did. Maybe I wasn’t a good enough sister. I wanted so much to make it right for you and I thought I did. I didn’t pay close enough attention.”

“No,” I whisper, but still can’t look at her. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.” I pause and take a few breaths. “Colt could die…. Or have lasting injuries. He just lost his mom and he could lose so much more on top of that. In a second. Because of a stupid fight. We wasted so much time playing games… He gave me so much and I never told him.”

Lily’s hands shake. I know she’s crying. But I still keep talking. “I’d like to tell you everything… More about growing up and about how I feel… If you want to know.”

The words aren’t as hard as I thought they would be. They actually feel freeing.

“Oh, Cheyenne. I would love nothing more.”

“I also want to talk to someone else. A doctor or something. Can you… Can you help me set it up?”

“Absolutely.”

Finally I turn to look at her, but don’t let myself let go of Colt’s hand.

“Your mom never asked for help. Not the kind she needed. You’re a very strong, brave woman, Cheyenne. I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

In this moment, I’m pretty proud of me too.

“Thank you.” I turn back to Colt. Lay my head on his bed. “You’d be proud of me too. I know it. I can’t wait until you wake up so I can tell you.”

***

“How did you and Colt meet?” I ask Adrian. It’s been a day and a half. I haven’t left the hospital. Adrian’s stayed most of the time. Aunt Lily and Maggie have both come and gone. No one tries to make me leave, probably because they know I won’t.

“We got into a fight when he fucked around with a girl I was seeing.”

I turn and look at Colt’s “brother.” I’m sure the hospital staff knows we’re lying, but they’ve been okay with it. “Tell me you’re kidding.”

“Would I lie about something so serious?” He grins, leaned back in the chair. He looks comfortable, but I know he’s not. Know he’s just as scared as I am.

“You guys are nuts.” I shake my head. “What happened?”

“Punched each other a few times. Then I told him he had a nice swing, but he’d screw up his thumb if he kept his fist the way he held it. He told me to fuck off. I asked him if he wanted to smoke a bowl and we were all good after that.”

I don’t know why I’m surprised. “Guys are so crazy.”

Adrian shakes his head. “We’re a lot easier than girls. They take everything too serious. Plus, I knew we’d be cool.” He taps the side of his forehead.

“That’s right. All knowing Adrian.”

“You bet your ass. Just like I know he’ll be okay. He wouldn’t leave you. He’s too loyal for that shit. Cares about you too much.”

I smile at Adrian and choose to believe him. Wonder if Adrian needs Colt too. I have a feeling Colt wouldn’t want to leave Adrian either.

***

Another day passes.

“His latest scans look really good. Good brain activity. The bleed is gone. We’re going to start decreasing the medication and hope he wakes up. We’ll have more answers after that.” The doctor smiles at me and I try to return it.

“Thank you.”

“You’re doing good. Keep doing what you’re doing. Hold his hand. Talk to him. I believe he can hear you.”

She walks out of the room. I know he can hear me too.

***

“They’ve been decreasing your medication Colt. They say you can wake up any time. I can’t wait to see your eyes again. You have to open them for me, okay?”

I try to hold the tears back. I want to sound happy. Strong for him.

“You can even call me princess if you want. Not for long, but I miss fighting with you. Miss that big head and bigger attitude you have.”

Leaning forward, I kiss his hand.

“I told Lily I’m going to talk to someone. I think it will help. It’s because of you, ya know? That I’m stronger. God, I used to think you were such a jerk. I can’t believe I didn’t see it. You don’t know it, but you’re everything Colt. No one makes me feel the way you do and I need you. Maybe it’s not good to need people and maybe that makes me weak. I don’t know, but I know I need you. I want you. You push me when I need it and give in when I need that too. Your strength gives me strength and I want to do that for you too.