I ponder that question for a minute. “Sometimes I think it is.” I glance over at the orange racetrack. “It all feels sort of familiar, but nothing really stands out. Familiar, like comfortable, you know? Like it feels right, and I belong here. Most of the time, anyway.” I frown.

“You and Blake still fighting?”

“He’s not talking to me.” I look at the photos where we are playing together. Where in a family picture, I rest my hand on his shoulder like I’m protecting him. “I don’t know what to do. He’s being such a jerk.”

Cami puts a comforting arm around my waist, and I can feel the side of her boob against my arm. Jesus, doesn’t she know what she’s doing? I want her so bad. But I have to get away or I’ll fuck it all up again. I can’t do that.

“Why don’t you ever do anything with J-Dog?” I ask, standing up straight and turning to face her. “Do you ever go out? I never see you together outside of school.”

“Oh,” she says. “Yeah, it’s basketball season, so . . .” She shrugs like she doesn’t care, but her eyes give her away.

“So after basketball season, you’ll go out more?”

“Well.” She laughs lightly. “Then baseball starts.”

“Summer?”

“Golf. His dad’s a pro. Jason caddies at the club. And then there are the guys, his friends.”

I just look at her. And I feel really bad. I do. Because even though I want her so bad my balls are turning blue, I realize, in this moment, that she’s my friend. She’s like my first real friend since I got my life back. “I’m sorry,” I say. And I really mean it.

“S’okay.” She laughs a little, and it sounds hollow. “Sometimes I’m not sure why I keep waiting around for him to be done with everything else.”

I nod, and it’s a soft moment, all quiet and contemplative. “You know where to find me if you get lonely.” And I feel half desperate for saying it and half like I’m actually figuring out how to be a good person, all at once.

“I know,” she says. She leans in for a hug, and I can feel her warm sigh down my shirt collar.

CHAPTER 31

Thursday comes, and after school, we all pile into the car to drop off Gracie at Grandpa and Grandma’s while the rest of us go to see Dr. Frost. “She’s hot,” I say to Blake as we settle into the backseat. He doesn’t respond, but I see him smirk a little.

Dr. Frost asks to see Blake and Dad first, since she hasn’t met them. She thinks that will help put us all on a fair playing field. So Mama and I sit in the waiting room, paging through magazines. Not talking. Just waiting. I look up at the ceiling fan, which is going slowly, and I picture a helicopter crashing down into the room.

That would get me out of this.

Finally, Dr. Frost comes to get us.

I flash Blake a look when I walk in, as if to say, Didn’t I tell you she was hot? but his arms are crossed over his chest and he’s stone-faced, staring at the carpet. Dad sits next to him and isn’t smiling.

It feels a little weird. I glance at Mama, giving Dad a puzzled look. He frowns. We sit down on the sofa, facing Blake and Dad, and Dr. Frost sits in her chair.

“First, I already said this to Blake and Paul,” Dr. Frost says, “but I wanted to say it again. I think it’s terrific that you all are here and trying to work out some of these issues. You have a unique situation that comes with a unique set of problems, and this is new for all of you. So we’ll work through this together the best that we can, all right?”

I nod and picture the happy family in my head, the one I want to be a part of. Something good warms up my insides when Dr. Frost talks like this, and I feel like I can do whatever it takes to have that.

“Great,” Dr. Frost says. She looks at a notepad in her lap. “First, Ethan, I know this is hard, but I’d like for you to recount some of what you told me about your years with Eleanor, so that Blake and your dad can hear them firsthand.”

I take a deep breath. I wasn’t expecting to have to relive the last session. Mama grabs my hand and squeezes it, but I pull away—it’s distracting.

And I do it for Dr. Frost. I tell it all again. But I don’t look at Blake. I don’t want to see how he reacts. I pretend I’m talking just to Dr. Frost, and I actually get through it without going into hysterics, which is a total relief.

“Thank you,” she says. “Now, Blake, your turn. Why don’t you say what’s on your mind, like you did earlier, before your mom and brother came in.”

My stomach flutters.

Blake shifts in his chair.

“Blake?”

He shakes his head. “I changed my mind,” he says. “I don’t have to say it. I’m not going to. This is stupid.”

I look quickly from Dr. Frost to Dad to Blake, and then I glance at Mama, who is trying to act calm, but I can see her gripping the sofa arm. Her fingernails are white.

Dr. Frost addresses Blake. “No, you don’t have to say it. I think it would be a good idea if you did, though.”

He shakes his head. “No. I really don’t think so.” He gets up. “I’m going to the waiting room.” And then he walks out and shuts the door, hard, behind him. Dad gets up and goes after him.

Mama and I watch him go. And I can’t help it. I get a lump in my throat.

“Dr. Frost,” Mama says, “is Blake . . . can you tell us what . . . ?”