He touched his fingers to her chin and forced her to look at him. Tears trickled down her cheeks.

“God, it hurts,” she said. “Every minute of every day it hurts.”

He felt her pain. It mingled with his own.

“I loved him,” she whispered. “Why couldn’t I save him?”

“We can never save the ones we love,” he told her.

Then he stood and pulled her to her feet. After tossing a twenty on the table, he led her out to his car.

As he opened the door, she stared at him. “That’s why I do it. To help me forget.”

The men. He’d figured there was a reason. “Does it help?”

“For a little while. And then I remember and my heart breaks all over again.”

“I’d like to forget,” he said and pulled her close.

She went willingly into his arms. He kissed her with a desperation borne of far more than just sexual need. She clung to him, responding as if she would die if she didn’t have him.

Perhaps she would, he thought, as desire took over and clouded his mind. Perhaps they both would.

CHAPTER TWELVE

TWO DAYS LATER, things weren’t much better with Penny. Cal appreciated that she’d stopped assaulting him with deadly weapons, but she still wasn’t speaking to him. After thinking over their conversation he realized that admitting he hadn’t really loved her while they’d been married had probably put him at the top of the list for idiot of the year.

He parked next to Reid’s Corvette and climbed out of his car. The day was sunny but he could feel the dampness of the lake in the chilly morning. Still, the view was impressive as he stared east toward Bellevue and Kirkland.

He walked along the dock, then stepped onto his brother’s houseboat and knocked on the front door.

“It’s Cal,” he called in warning. “Don’t answer the door na**d.”

Reid pulled open the front door and grinned. “Don’t want to be intimidated, huh?”

“Like that would happen.”

Reid, dressed in sweats and barefoot, led the way into the kitchen. “Let’s not have that conversation. Coffee?”

“Sure.”

Reid poured them each a cup from the pot. Without speaking, they walked into the living room and sat down.

Houseboat didn’t fully describe the remodeled twenty-two-hundred-square-foot luxury home on the water. There was every modern convenience and the added pleasure of being directly on LakeWashington.

“Penny wants you skinned alive and served with salsa,” Reid said conversationally.

“She mentioned that, huh?”

“She ranted and yelled. Then she cried.” Reid looked at Cal. “You get that one for free this time, but don’t let it happen again.”

Cal knew his brother wasn’t kidding. “You were right. I should have told her about Lindsey.”

He waited for the crowing “I told you so,” but Reid only sipped his coffee. The silence told Cal how bad things were.

He wondered if his brother knew that he and Penny had slept together. That night had been spectacular—and not just for the hot sex. There had been something about being with her again….

Warning signs flashed on and off in his brain. No emotions allowed, he reminded himself. No feeling. It wasn’t smart, it wasn’t safe and in the end, everyone suffered.

“I hate that bitch,” Reid said.

It took Cal a second to realize he meant Gloria. “She loves to screw with us.”

“It’s because we won’t do what she wants.”

“I have,” Cal said. “More than once.”

Reid glanced at him. “That’s because you were the oldest and were trying to protect the rest of us.”

True enough, but that didn’t make him feel any better about his decisions. “Gloria’s been on my ass about taking over the company,” he said. “Why would she pull something like this? She has to know it’ll piss me off.”

“She wants to make sure you don’t get back together with Penny more than she wants you to run the corporation. She can’t forgive Penny for walking out on one of her precious grandsons.”

Made sense, Cal thought. “Still, it’s my fault Gloria had ammunition in the first place. If I’d told Penny about Lindsey, Gloria couldn’t have f**ked things up.”

“We’ve all made bad choices,” Reid said. “Now you’ll deal with yours.”

He regretted having to make the confession more than he could say. “She thinks I’m glad she lost the baby. I’m not. I wasn’t back then, either. I never wished anything bad would happen to our child.”

“Maybe not, but you were relieved.”

Cal opened his mouth and closed it. His brother spoke the truth. He remembered his initial happiness fading as a sense of being trapped took over. How was he supposed to have another child and care about it when he’d simply walked away from Lindsey? He’d been confused and hadn’t had anyone he could talk to. Or so he thought. Now he knew he could have discussed it with his brothers. Or Penny. He hadn’t trusted her to understand. What if she had? What if they’d been able to pull together instead of being pulled apart?

“I didn’t have all the answers,” he said at last.

“No one ever expected you to. Except you. Cal, none of us is perfect. It’s time you stopped trying to be. Get over it. Yes, you had a kid. You didn’t want to give her up, but you did. She’s great. Happy, living a good life. Move on.”

Advice he should listen to. “Penny has. She’s excited about the baby.”

“Of course she is. She’s always wanted kids.”

Cal knew that. In some ways, that was his greatest sin. “She was right—I changed the rules. When we were first together, I wanted kids as much as she. It was the reality of having a baby I could keep that screwed me up. When I told her I’d changed my mind…” He could still see the disbelief and hurt on her face. “I owe her.”

“Big time. But that’s the past. Let it go. She’s moved on.” Reid looked at him again. “Your timing sucks.”

“What do you mean?”

“Friday, when all this hit the fan, she’d just felt the baby move for the first time. She wanted to tell you. How’s that for a kick in the teeth? There she was all excited and doing the happy dance.”

The baby moved? “She never felt that with ours. She lost it too soon.” He could imagine her delight and excitement. “Did you feel it, too?”

“I tried, but it was too faint. There she was, all happy and then Gloria dumps the first load on her and you dump the second. Way to go, big brother.”

Cal swore. He felt like shit. “I never meant…”

Right. Because meaning or not meaning didn’t matter to anyone. Penny didn’t deserve any of this from him. She hadn’t done anything wrong. All she’d done was show up every damn day of their marriage. She’d taken a whole lot longer to give up than she should have and he’d let her go without a word.

“You should beat the crap out of me,” Cal muttered.

“That would only make you feel better and right now I’m not interested in doing that. She has a doctor’s appointment in a couple of days. An ultrasound. She’s pretty sure she doesn’t want to know if it’s a boy or a girl. And jeez, the names she’s talking about. Poor kid. But I think she’ll come around. Penny’s pretty smart.”

Penny was a lot of things, Cal thought, fighting a sudden aching sense of loss for all he’d missed with her.

He reminded himself that he was fine with that—being a part of something wasn’t his goal. Love didn’t last. Hadn’t he had that proved to him over and over?

“Naomi was in last night,” Reid said. “She left with Walker.”

“You okay with that?”

Reid shrugged. “Sure. Why not? There were never any promises between us.”

Not wanting a permanent commitment was one thing, but Reid’s lifestyle made no sense to him.

“Don’t you ever want more than a parade of women through your life?”

His brother frowned. “No. Why?”

“But you don’t care about the women you sleep with.”

Reid grinned. “For that night, she’s the most important woman in the world.”

Cal snorted. “Yeah, right. And in the morning you can’t remember her name. Don’t you ever want more than that?”

“Not even on a bet.”

“ARE YOU SICK?” Penny asked.

Naomi continued to chop leeks. “No. I’m fine. Stop bugging me. You’re getting on my nerves.”

Penny knew she should back off, but she couldn’t help worrying. “You’re not yourself. You’ve been quiet for a couple of days. Is it a guy?”

Naomi turned to her, holding the knife in her hand. “I learned from an expert, okay? I’m fine. I have stuff on my mind.”

“But I’m worried about you.”

Naomi put down the knife. “You’re sweet to worry, but don’t. I’m fine. Just thinking. It’s not something I usually do, so it’s hard for me.”

Penny could see emotions swirling in her friend’s eyes. “I want to help.”

“You can’t. Now let it go before I start foaming at the mouth.”

“Okay. But if you want to talk, I’m here.”

“I know.”

Cal walked into the kitchen. “The wine delivery is here. I was able to get more of the original pinot for the tasting dinner, but it’s an ’02 instead of an ’01. I’m going to open a bottle to see how different it is.”

The implied question was did she want to join him? Did she want to participate in this joint venture, because they were both responsible for the restaurant.

She knew the right answer. As her goal was to run her own place, she had to be interested in all aspects of the business. Hiring a good general manager would help, but in the end, the decisions would be hers.

She knew she should agree for another reason—to show Cal he didn’t matter. That she wasn’t crushed by their fight last week. Okay, maybe crushed was strong, but she was still hurt. Worse, she felt stupid. She hated feeling stupid.

She walked past him and headed for the wine room. Three cases stood on a dolly. The top case was open and a single bottle rested on the counter.

She reached for the bottle opener sitting there and quickly cut the foil. After twisting the corkscrew into the cork, she turned and pulled in a quick, expert movement. Cal set out two glasses. She poured a small amount in each.

Penny picked up hers and swirled. She held the glass to the light to check the color, then swirled again and inhaled.

The scent alone was delicious. She took a sip and allowed the flavors to settle on her tongue.

Good, she thought. A hint of sweetness, but not too much. Plenty of berry.

“It’s fine,” she said.

“I agree.”

She put her glass on the counter and turned to leave. Cal moved in front of her.

“Wait,” he said. “I want to say I’m sorry about what happened on Friday. All of it. Gloria telling you about Lindsey, our fight afterwards. I should have told you myself. Years ago, before we got married. I grew up keeping secrets and it’s a hard habit to break. And I was afraid of what you’d think of me.”

“I appreciate the apology, but it’s not necessary. We’re divorced, Cal. None of that matters.”

“It does. We work together. I want us to be friends.”

Friends. Right. She wanted to point out that she didn’t usually sleep with her friends. That by ha**g s*x with her, they’d crossed the line and now everything was different between them. Except she didn’t understand how it was different or what it all meant.

“I shouldn’t have allowed Gloria to have information you didn’t,” he said. “She wanted to hurt you and she succeeded. I’m sorry about that.”

Without wanting to, she remembered a conversation from their past. When she’d wanted the entry-level job at Buchanan’s and Cal had done his best to keep her from getting it. At the time he’d said he didn’t want her near Gloria. She’d laughed off his concern. How could the old woman hurt her? Now she knew there were probably a thousand ways.

“I can take care of myself,” she said. “Then and now.”

“Now I believe. But back then…”

“You’re acting as if my being hurt would have bothered you.”

“Of course it would have. You were my wife.”

The one you didn’t love. Only she didn’t think she could say that without him knowing she was still bruised inside.

“Look, Cal. We didn’t do well on the personal front when we were married and we obviously can’t do it well now. Let’s just keep things strictly business. It will be better for everyone that way.”

“But I want us to be friends.”

“Sometimes we don’t get what we want. Deal with it.”

PENNY PACED in the parking lot. Where was he? Reid was many things, but late wasn’t one of them. She glanced at her watch and groaned. If she didn’t want to miss her appointment, she was going to have to leave in the next two minutes.

Cal walked out of the restaurant. She eyed him suspiciously, especially as he had a coat on and was heading in her direction.

“Let’s go,” he said. “You want me to drive?”

She planted her hands on her hips. “What, exactly, are you talking about?”