“It’s not your fault. I’m the sinner, Riley. I’m the one who has to pay.” His eyes looked at me bleakly.

I could feel the pain running through his veins. I could see the guilt. I recognized the sleepless nights in the bags under his eyes, and I sensed the hopelessness in his voice. It was the same pain and hopelessness I felt. It was the same guilt I experienced every night when I went to bed. Only I was the one to blame.

“It wasn’t your fault, Hudson.” I reached out to him, but he shook his head.

“I’m sorry. Please just go. Riley. Please. I can’t do this. I don’t want to see you.” He looked away from me, and I wanted to scream at him. How could he sound and look so casual as he ripped my heart out of my body?

“You don’t mean that,” I whispered, needing him to look at me.

“I’m sorry, Riley. I don’t know what you expected.” He glanced at me and looked away. “It’s been four years. We shouldn’t have seen each other again. I thought we’d never see each other again. I’m not a good man.” He stared at me then. I could see that his eyes were devoid of emotion. It was if he had lost a part of himself.

I watched him walk back into the gym and stood there for a few minutes, deciding what to do. I wanted to go back in, but I knew it was too soon. I wasn’t going to let him run me out again. The next time I went back to the gym, I was going to be in full control of my emotions.

It was obvious to me that Hudson hadn’t forgiven himself for that night, and that killed me. I wanted to tell him the truth, I wanted him to know my part, but I was scared that he would hate me more than he already did. I decided to go home and study instead. I needed to think about something other than Hudson. It was clear to me that we were never going to get back to that place.

***

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about Hudson and the kiss. I hugged my pillow and tried not to scream as I daydreamed about him, my textbook on the bed next to me.

“Hey, what are you doing home?” Eden walked into my room with a surprised face.

“Needed to study.”

“I thought you were going to interview some of the guys. Don’t tell me that they figured out you have no clue already.”

“Very funny.” I laughed. “And they know I’m not an expert.”

“You told them?” She sat down on the bed next to me. “Tell me. Are there any hotties?”

“Hotties?”

“The guys! Any potential de-virginizers?” She giggled, and I rolled my eyes at her.

“No. Well, there is one guy, Justin. He seems nice, but who knows.”

“Ooh, Justin. I like the name. Is he a surfer?”

“Not a surfer.” I shook my head and she sighed.

“Of course not.” She lay back on my bed next to me. “Where did all the surfers go?”

“Hawaii?”

“Funny.” She giggled. “So tell me more. Why are these guys doing this? Aren’t they risking their lives?”

“I don’t know. Money, I guess.” I bit my lower lip and sat up. “I saw Hudson.”

“What?” Her eyes widened. “My brother, Hudson?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Weird.” She stared at me. “Where did you see him?”

“At the gym.”

“Oh?”

“He’s trying to enter the competition.”

“The fight?” She sat up then. “No shit.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “He seemed pretty intense.”

“Yeah.” She sighed and leaned against the wall. “I guess he never really got over Clara.”

“Yeah.” I looked away, feeling bad.

“I spoke to Luke the other day,” she said slowly. “He said Clara’s mom is doing really badly. Like she might get evicted.”

My eyes widened. “Oh no.”

“I bet he wants to give her the money,” she continued. “What’s the prize again? A hundred grand?”

“A million dollars.”

Her jaw dropped. “Holy shit. That’s a lot of money.”

“Yeah.” I nodded and then peeked at her. “He looked like he was really down, Eden.”

“Oh, he’s always like that these days.” She shrugged.

“Do you ever think about that summer?” I asked her softly, not wanting to bring it up but needing to talk about it.

“Sometimes.” She nodded and sighed. “But honestly, I try not to.”

“I always think about that last night,” I continued. “If we had done something differently, what would have happened?”

“Yeah. If I hadn’t gone on that horrible date.” She made a face.

“Yeah, or if Hudson and I hadn’t gone out and left Clara at home.”

“We couldn’t have known, Riley.” Eden grabbed her hands. “We were only in high school.”

“But we knew she’d been drinking,” I continued, not able to stop.

“We thought she was sleeping.” Eden’s voice rose. “I’m sorry, but she was selfish. She had no business going to the bar by herself. Especially when she was already drunk.”

“Alcohol makes it so you can’t think properly.”

“She was an alcoholic. She did this to herself.” Eden grabbed her hands. “I know you’re sensitive, Riley, but her death wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t Hudson’s either.”

“I know.” I looked down, unseeing and barely able to breathe. I was taken back to that night, and all I could think about was lying na**d in his arms, kissing him, touching him, loving the feel of him next to me.

It had been so sweet, so so sweet. Yet it had ended in tears. We’d stayed out all night and we’d gone back home in the early hours of the morning. Everything had fallen apart as soon as we saw the cop cars in front of the house. It was as if we both knew before we’d even been told. I could remember that night as clearly as if it had happened yesterday.

“Oh, Hudson!” Eden had run out of the house and into his arms. Her face was red with tears and she didn’t even notice how we stepped apart quickly. She didn’t notice that I was wearing his shirt. She didn’t notice that our bodies were glowing. She didn’t notice that Hudson and I had made love all night under the stars. She didn’t notice because none of that mattered. Not after the tragedy that had occurred. “What’s wrong?” Hudson had asked the words but I think we both knew.

“It’s Clara,” she whispered. “She’s dead.”

“Riley, are you okay?” I felt Eden shaking my shoulder, and I looked up at her unblinking.

“Yeah, sorry. What did you say?”

“Are you thinking about it?”

“Yeah.” I nodded and swallowed. “I was thinking about it.”

“She was driving drunk. She was irresponsible.” Eden grabbed my shoulders. “Look at me, Riley. This wasn’t our fault. She should have known better. She shouldn’t have driven drunk.”

“I know.” I felt sick to my stomach and rolled away from her. “Do you think I can be by myself right now?” I whispered. “I don’t feel well.”

“Okay.” Eden stood up, and I listened to her as she walked to the door. “You can’t blame yourself, Riley. You didn’t know.”

I lay there for about thirty minutes, staring at the wall blankly. My brain was void of thoughts and my heart was void of emotion as I thought back to that night again.

Dead, dead, dead. I could still hear the words in my ears. So unfamiliar, so unreal. How could she die? She wasn’t supposed to die. She was supposed to ask someone for a ride home. She wasn’t supposed to drive drunk.

My stomach started churning as I allowed myself to go down the dark road of that night again. The one night that had been the best and worst of my life. I closed my eyes and pictured Hudson’s face, so handsome, so caring, and so loving. He’d loved me. I knew that now. He’d always loved me. Once upon a time. And I’d loved him. How could I not? He’d been my protector, my friend, the boy who’d taught me to kiss. The boy who’d always cared about me.

And he was handsome. Oh was he handsome. When I looked at him, my heart did a million flips. I could barely control my breathing when I was close to him. I’d dreamed of him for years. I’d always wanted a chance. Waited for him to realize he wanted me. And then he’d brought Clara with him. Clara, a beautiful, wonderful girl. Clara, who was to become the first girlfriend of his that I had ever met. I’d hated her on sight. How could I not? How could you not hate the woman who was with the boy you’d always wanted? But I’d tried to hide my hate. And I’d tried to stay away from him.

Until that last night. That last night I’d had a shot of vodka and gained some liquid courage. That night I’d thrown caution to the wind. And it had been marvelous. Making love to Hudson had set my heart and body on fire; I’d never known it could be like that. So sweet and hot and sexual. I hadn’t known that there were tastes and feelings that could make my body pulse with such pleasure that I didn’t want it to end. And I hadn’t wanted it to end.

As I had lain in his arms, soaking him in, I hadn’t wanted the night to end. And that was why I’d deleted the text messages. I could still see them clearly. The messages and the missed calls. “Hudson, come pick me up at the bar. I’m drunk.”

I hadn’t even hesitated as I’d pressed delete so quickly and casually. I wasn’t going to let her ruin my night. It was supposed to be our night. It was supposed to be about me and Hudson. I didn’t want him to feel guilty. I didn’t want him to think about her. He was going to dump her. He didn’t love her.

I’d been childish and selfish and jealous, but it didn’t even matter because I had still lost Hudson. And I’d cost Clara her life. And the guilt of what I’d done continued to consume me. I knew I needed to tell Hudson the truth. He had to know that it was my fault that Clara was dead. I was the reason he hadn’t gone to pick her up. Only I was scared. I was scared that not only would Hudson stop talking to me forever, but that he would hate me forever as well.

Chapter 11

Hudson

Present Day

I sat at the back of the bus by myself. I was angry that Riley had shown up, but I tried to tell myself I didn’t care. I’d made a mistake kissing her the other day. I shouldn’t have kissed her. I’d seen the look of shock in her eyes. The fear and the pain. She was disgusted by me. She probably thought I couldn’t keep it in my pants. I was like every other guy. I let sex guide me. I let lust guide me. I wasn’t an honorable man. I was a killer.

I clenched my fist as I sat back, watching Riley laughing and talking with Justin. Though, I was glad it wasn’t Channing. I would have killed Channing if he even thought about talking to her. She looked beautiful of course. When she’d arrived, she’d given me a scared look, as if she’d thought I was going to shout at her and tell her to leave. I’d been angry to see her of course. However, another part of me had been excited. Really excited.

I listened to her laugh, and a part of me was warmed by the sound. I groaned softly to myself. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be near her. I didn’t deserve to be.

I closed my eyes and tried not to stare at Riley like some creep. Instead, images of her filled my brain—images of happier moments in time.

***

“Hudson, wanna go fishing?” Riley’s ten-year-old voice was eager as she walked into my room.

I shook my head. “Not really.”

“Oh.” She came and sat on my bed. “What are you doing?”

“I’m studying.” I sighed, not wanting to be bothered by her.

“What are you studying?”

“Botany,” I lied.

“What’s that?” She made a face and reached for my book.

“Plant stuff.” I grabbed my book up to my chest. “Why don’t you go and bother Eden?” I snapped.

“What?” She frowned and looked at me with sad eyes.

“Nothing,” I sighed, feeling bad but still holding my book close to my chest.

“Why are you so mean?”

“Why are you so annoying?”

“Because I’m the boss.”

“Boss of who?” She looked around.

“The boss of you. Duh.”

“You’re not the boss of me.”

“Yeah, I am.” I raised an eyebrow. “Go and get me some water.”

“No.” She shook her head.

“Go and get some water and I’ll take you fishing.”

“Really?” She looked at me eagerly.

“Yeah,” I grinned at her. “Sure.”

“Okay.” She jumped off of the bed, ran to the door, and stopped.

“Go and get me my water, minion.” I laughed and lay back. “I told you I’m the boss.”

“I saw the boob in your botany book.” She raised an eyebrow at me and grinned. “Happy studying, Hudson.” She giggled and ran out of the room as my face went red.

Shit! I threw the book and the Playboy magazine it was supposed to be hiding on my bed.

“Riley!” I screamed as I ran out of my room.

“Yes, boss?”

“Don’t tell my mom.” I glared at her as she giggled. She was a pain in the ass.

“Yes, boss.”

“Stop calling me boss.”

“Yes, boss.”