Feeling cornered, remorseful, and pissed off that I’d been made to feel guilty by someone I didn’t know, I gave her a look that told her I wouldn’t be cowed. “I’m not sure any of this is your business.”

Her face grew hard. “Marco isn’t just my son’s dad, he’s my friend. He’s a good guy and I don’t like anyone hurting him.”

“Does he know you’re here right now?”

“No.” She huffed. “And he’ll probably be really pissed off when I tell him I came to see you. But if it gives you a kick up the arse to do the right thing, then I’m okay with that.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Maybe not. But we both know Marco is a good person. He doesn’t deserve to be feeling the way he’s feeling.” She shrugged, shot me one last searching look, and said, “You think on that.”

My visit with Bray, Belle, and their mums was somewhat poisoned by Leah’s decision to try to force my hand in the situation with Marco.

I spent most of the day worrying about him, until I came to the conclusion I needed to stop being such a coward and call him.

There was no game playing on his part. He picked up on the second ring.

“You know how to keep a guy hanging,” he answered quietly.

“I’m just calling to tell you I want you to stop blaming yourself. I don’t blame you for what happened to me.”

“Easier said than done, Hannah. There’s a reason you broke up with me when you found out about Dylan. You said yourself that at least a part of you blames me for leaving you to deal with all that shit by yourself.”

“Honestly,” I whispered, “I did. I know that it wasn’t right, though, and I’ve worked through that. I know that what happened to me wasn’t your fault. What happened to me wasn’t anyone’s fault. We were both at fault for being irresponsible and not using protection, that’s all.”

“No. That was my fault. I was the experienced one. But it was you… and in that moment I was too lost in you to think straight.”

“Was that the way it was with Leah?” I asked caustically.

“Hannah, it wasn’t like that with her. We were both shit-faced. It’s a miracle we had enough faculties about us to get undressed and have sex, if —”

“Okay, I don’t want to hear any more,” I interrupted.

He was silent for a while and then… “It’s about Leah, isn’t it?”

“No,” I answered, and then sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Hannah, I care about Leah. She’s my friend and she’s the mother of my kid. But I love you.”

“Should it be this hard, though, Marco?” I asked. “Should it hurt this much?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what the rules are. All I know is that it means something pretty f**king important to feel this way about someone. I’d do anything for my son, Hannah. I’d do anything to protect him. To make sure he knows he’s loved. That he makes my universe turn. And I feel that way about you too. I want to protect you, I want you to know that for me there’s no one else like you. That you make my universe turn.”

My heart actually hurt in my chest.

“Hannah?”

“If it was up to how I feel when it’s just us and the world is quiet and everything seems so far away,” I told him softly, “we’d be together. I’d put it all behind me and we’d move on. But life isn’t like that. The rest of the world never goes away. Our mistakes are out there and we can’t hide from them. I don’t want to mess you around and it’s not my intention to hurt you” – my voice cracked – “but I just don’t think this is what I want anymore.”

“You don’t love me?” His voice was gruff, the way he sounded whenever he was feeling something deeply.

I hated that I was hurting him. “Marco, I’ve been in love with you since I was fourteen. And it’s hurt for eight years. I’m just not sure that’s the right kind of love.”

“I didn’t know there was a right or a wrong kind,” he whispered hoarsely.

“Perhaps not. But maybe I need a shot at an easy kind.”

“Or maybe you just need to give us a shot with all this shit out in the open,” he argued. “Hannah, when we were kids I was messed up. I didn’t give us a chance. But those two months we had before Christmas were the best f**king weeks of my life, and they would have been perfect if we’d just been honest about everything. Now all that is out there, and we can start over. It can be great. It can be easy.”

I wanted to believe that, but I was too scared. I wasn’t even going to lie to myself about it. I was terrified.

Marco could hurt me like no one else could because I loved him with everything I had. I’d allowed his mistakes, our mistakes, to bend me. However, I couldn’t let us break me.

Wiping the tears from my face with trembling hands, I prepared myself to finally make a decision.

“Hannah?”

“Marco…” My voice came out as a whisper and I had to clear my throat to get the volume back. “Because of you I’ve never given anyone a chance. If you want the whole and absolute truth, there’s never been anyone since you. I lied when you asked me when the last time I had sex was. I’ve only ever been with one man and that man is you.”

“Hannah —”

“It’s time I gave myself a chance to fall in love with someone else.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do. We’re not good for each other. You need to move on.”

“No,” he growled down the phone in a surprising and yet not so surprising response. “You’re mine. I’m yours. Don’t you dare run from that.”

“I’m not running.” More lies. “I just need a fresh start.”

“Hannah, I love you.”

“Please don’t… don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“No. Don’t give me bullshit clichés. I need to see you. We can’t do this over the phone. We can talk and we can work it out.”

Terrified at that thought because I knew that just seeing him would weaken my resolve, I hurried to deny him. “I don’t want to see you. I’m moving on, Marco, and I need you to do the same for me. Do this for me.”

I could hear that his breathing had grown shallow. “I can’t. It might be the most selfish thing I’ll ever do, but I can’t give you up. I won’t. If I thought it was what you really wanted, really needed, I would. But it’s not. You’re scared. I know you’re scared. I’m going to do everything I can to take that fear away.”

“Stop being a stubborn idiot!” I snapped, feeling desperate.

“Pot, meet kettle,” he answered, his voice edged with determination. “We’ll see which one of us can be the most obstinate, Hannah, because, babe, I’m never giving up on us. If it takes a week, a month, a year, whatever, the future is us. I’m spending the rest of my life waking up in the morning with you beside me and getting through each day knowing that when the sky turns dark I’ll be spending the night inside you.”

His sensual, beautiful words knocked me for six. “You are such a bastard,” I breathed.

Marco laughed shortly, harshly. “I see I’m winning already.”

CHAPTER 23

“So Beth is having a Daddy’s girl day?” Liv asked Joss, her tone telling us just how cute she thought that was.

Joss grinned, putting her cup of coffee down on the table. “After her excitement at the zoo last year, and her current obsession with all things animal, Braden decided to take her to that Safari Park in Stirling but discovered it was closed for the season, so he’s taking her to Deep Sea World. He wanted some daddy-daughter time.”

I smiled. “He’s a good egg, that one.”

Joss made a face. “That he is. Makes it really hard to be crabby at him.”

Liv, Joss, and I were at an activity center in Morningside that had a café just on the edges of the play area. Since it was in the same building as a full-time day care, there were a number of staff to watch the kids while their parents could have lunch and chat, but still keep an eye on their children. From our table we could see Lily and Luke in the soft play area supervised by a couple of nursery assistants. January was in her pram next to Liv, sleeping peacefully for once.

It had been a week since my conversation with Marco. I’d thrown myself into work and done what I could to distract myself from the wreckage of my love life. That wasn’t easy at first because Marco must have updated Nish a little and she came to me in the staff room to apologize. Since then she’d been watching me carefully, as if I were made of glass, and every day she’d ask me in this sweet but unintentionally annoying tone if I was all right.

I’d also had to update Michaela on everything. Suzanne had told Michaela her own version of events, and obviously her account had some inaccuracies. Poor Michaela now found herself in the awkward position of being friends with two people who no longer wanted anything to do with each other. I assured Michaela I wouldn’t make it difficult for her. I couldn’t assure her Suzanne would do the same.

All of this made it hard to put the wreckage out of my mind. Even worse was my flat and those damn bookshelves. This meant I jumped at any opportunity to get out of the flat. I’d babysat for Liv and Nate the night before, and now I found myself hanging out with Joss, Liv, and their kids to avoid my home. Not that it was a hardship to hang out with them.

I looked over at Lily to find her watching us. She waved when she caught me looking.

“I’ll be right back.” I hopped up out of my seat and grinned at Lily in a way I knew made her laugh.

“Lily Billy,” I called out to her as I approached.

I played with her and Luke, letting them crawl all over me before pretend-chasing them. I was probably making them hyper, and Joss and Liv wouldn’t thank me for it later, but it felt good to laugh hard with the kids.

“Oh, my gosh,” I panted, attempting to catch my breath as I lay on the floor with Lily trying to tickle me and Luke sprawled across my chest in an effort to use his weight to keep me there. They were giggling like crazy. “I can’t move, Luke Carmichael. You’re too strong!”

He giggled harder. “I’m goin’ keep you here, Nanna.”

“Forever?” I gasped.

“Uh-huh.”

“I think that might be Hannah Nichols buried under those kids, but I can’t be sure.” An amused voice spoke from somewhere above me.

I tensed at the voice and I knew the kids felt my sudden change in demeanor because they stopped giggling. Turning my head, I searched him out.

An upside-down Marco appeared in my line of sight.

Shit.

Breathe, Hannah.

“Uh, hullo,” I managed.

“Need a hand?”

“Come on, Luke,” I heard Joss say and then suddenly she was there, bending down to pick Luke up off my chest. I sat up and she shot me a questioning look as she grabbed Lily’s hand. She was asking me if I was okay to be alone with Marco.

Um… honestly, I didn’t know.

But I nodded as I got to my feet. I watched her walk Luke and Lily over to the table with Liv and January.

My eyes moved to Marco, who was standing at the edge of the soft play area. Clinging to his big hand was the most beautiful little boy I’d ever seen. My chest ached looking at him.

Dylan.

He had Marco’s coloring, down to the striking blue-green of his eyes, and he had cute, tight black curls. He was tall for three, which could mean he was going to be as tall as his dad one day, and he was wearing this serious, curious expression on his face that was so like one of Marco’s expressions that the ache in my chest intensified.

Feeling emotions I hadn’t expected to feel, I looked up from Dylan and into Marco’s eyes and choked out, “He’s beautiful.”

Marco’s hand flexed in Dylan’s and he glanced down at his son with an adoring look of pride. “Yeah.”

Just like that, I remembered the awkwardness of being around him and I covered my uneasiness with a glare. “There are hundreds of day care centers in Edinburgh. This one? Really?”

Marco’s grin was slightly wicked. “Looks like the universe wants me to win as well.”

I would have responded with something cheeky or curt, except for the fact that Dylan was there. Not to mention that Marco couldn’t quite hide the sadness in the back of his eyes with those teasing smiles of his.

Not wanting to deal with how that made me feel, I glanced down at Dylan again. He kept looking between his dad and me, clearly wondering who I was.

“Dylan,” Marco caught his attention again, “this is Hannah. Hannah, this is Dylan.”

I smiled at Marco’s mini-me. “Hi, Dylan.”

He shifted a little closer to his dad’s leg. “Hi,” he replied quietly and clutched a soft toy to his chest. On closer inspection I realized the toy was a miniature of Sulley from Pixar’s Monsters, Inc.

I swear I almost melted all over the floor. “Sulley is one of my favorites.” I gestured to the toy.

Dylan’s eyes widened slightly.

“Do you like Lightning McQueen too?” I referenced the hero of the Pixar movie Cars.

Dylan nodded.

“He loves Pixar movies.” Marco smiled softly. “You and he would get on great.”

I knew my smile was a little sad when I replied, “He’s fantastic. I think everything turned out the way it was supposed to for you, Marco.”