Author: Robyn Carr

A few minutes passed before she raised her eyes and got to her feet. When she turned and saw him, she jumped and grabbed her heart.

“Sorry,” he said. “That was such a beautiful image, I couldn’t look away. I didn’t know you prayed.”

She took a breath to steady herself. “You never asked.”

“I never did,” he admitted. “Were you brought up in the church?”

“Now and then.” She shrugged.

“Any special denomination?”

“All,” she said. “My gramma used to think that passage when Jesus said, ‘In my Father’s house are many rooms,’ didn’t mean there was a big hotel in heaven. It meant there were lots of different ways to worship. We dropped into different churches for the occasional sermon.”

“Interesting. And you weren’t confused?”

“We were never at one long enough for confusion to settle in,” she said.

“So, this wasn’t a special occasion?” he asked.

“Noah, I’ve spent so much time on my knees, they should be callused. That’s figurative—I usually pray in the shower. My gramma taught me that—if you pray naked, you don’t try so hard to hide things from God. She said, the Old Testament aside, God is our friend. He had a real short fuse in the Old Testament. Oh, and she also taught me that more important religion happens over the back fence with a good friend than anywhere else, so poo on your seven years of seminary training.”

He laughed. “I’d have to agree with that. What else? I live for her sayings.”

“I’m afraid Gramma didn’t have one for the morning after you spent all night having wild monkey sex with a minister—” she grinned “—that I know of.”

He lifted her chin and looked into her beautiful brown eyes. “Why do you look so rested? I’m exhausted and I look like I worked on a term paper all night.”

“I feel fine. Finer than I’ve felt in a hundred years. I’m going to see Brie when I think she’s got her office open. Then I’m off to Vanni’s to help her out.”

“Were you praying for forgiveness? For trapping me in a secret affair?”

She smiled at him. “I was saying thank-you, for everything. For my gramma and her good years, for my kids, for this little town that’s working out. And for you, but don’t let it go to your head. Gramma didn’t have two nickels to rub together, but she was always grateful. And happy.”

“Ellie, I wasn’t sure you even believed, much less practiced.”

She shook her head. “Noah, everyone prays in a foxhole. I’ve been in one foxhole or another for the past nine years. I don’t even count growing up poor—I just count since Jason died. Gramma always said to trust that things would be as they should be. I just can’t figure out why they shouldn’t be easier.”

He gave her a little kiss. “Did you ever hear the story about the man in the flood?”

After a little private churchgoing, and a little chaste kissing, Ellie’s next stop was Brie’s office. Brie was incensed by what she heard on Ellie’s answering machine tape.

I know you did this, you bitch, and you’re not going to get away with it.

What are you talking about, Arnie?

Child Welfare Services paid a visit, while I was at work! Asking a lot of questions, talking to the kids without me present. Got the staff all worked up and curious. I know you—you told those little bastards what to say! But it’s not going to work!

I don’t know anything about this. Maybe it was something the court wanted…

You’re going to pay for this, and pay big. I hate you, you skanky bitch, and I’m going to fix you good. You think losing the kids because you’re just a low-life slut was hard? Wait! I’m just getting warmed up!

Brie had to take a couple of deep breaths before she could even respond. And then she said, “I’m going to file a motion at once. We have to revisit the custody issue now, in light of his refusal to let you visit or talk to your children, and his threats, one of which is recorded. Be warned, this will require a court appearance. If the judge doesn’t dismiss my motion, he’ll schedule a hearing where all parties can be present. The scumball will have a chance to defend himself and level his own accusations. So, tell me now, Ellie—is there anything he’s going to bring against you that we should be prepared for?”

Ellie felt the heat rise to her cheeks. She had told Brie the entire story, including her work as a stripper, all in confidence. “I don’t think so.”

Brie took a breath. “Just lay it on me. Have you been dancing for extra money? Writing bad checks? Missing deadlines to return the kids? Using drugs or getting drunk? Anything you can think of?”

Ellie swallowed. Her voice was very small when she said, “No, nothing.”

“Somehow I think there’s something. Listen, we have confidentiality, just don’t let me be surprised. It’s critical that I be prepared for the absolute worst possibility.”

She gulped. “The pastor. We have kind of a…thing. I asked him to please not let it show in public. I don’t want people thinking I tricked him. And I know some people would think that—but I didn’t make the first move. Honest.”

“A thing?”

“A very, very new thing. Last night I was upset about the phone call and went to him. He walked me home.” She looked away. “He stayed.”

“Oh. Well, that’s interesting.” One corner of Brie’s lips turned up with the temptation to smile.

“It’s been heading there, I let Noah kiss me.”

A slow smile grew on Brie’s face. “Is that it?”

“It was a very good kiss. A couple of them, in fact. Believe me, after all I’ve been through with men, I sure wasn’t about to get involved with another one, but I admit it—I wasn’t exactly put off. And then…Well, I just couldn’t help it. He’s so wonderful.”

Brie laughed. “Ellie, adult relationships are not against the law. They’re not considered indecent. You’ve been divorced for almost a year and unless you’re rolling around in bed under the same roof with your children, where they could see things they’re too young to see, you’re within your rights to date. You’re single, you’re young and healthy, and it’s not a factor in custody agreements. And if you had to pick someone, gee, a lily-white pastor isn’t a bad choice. Just the same, take no chances with that—don’t find yourself in a romantic situation with anyone while the children are present. We don’t want any unnecessary trouble.”

“Lawyers have said the judge should never have taken them away from me because of my dancing, since it was legal. I wasn’t abusive, neglectful or doing icky things in front of them. The judge should have at least warned me, had me investigated to see if I was a bad mother, not made his decision like that, so fast.”

“But that ship has sailed,” Brie said. “We could appeal his decision, and before it got to the court of appeals, not only would the period of your ex-husband’s temporary custody be long past, your kids would be in junior high. No, the way to go is to do everything his way, and promptly. It often means kissing some unworthy butt, licking dirty shoes, but the goal is reversing the custody order based on this new information. Or, failing that, getting them out of his house.”

“Even though the judge is wrong?” Ellie asked.

“He’s wrong, but he’s safe. You’re not. He could retire before you get an appeal. Trust me, Ellie—we just want this to go away. If the motion is denied, the best thing to do is serve the time, circle the wagons, load court up with solid citizens who can vouch for you and get this over with. Believe me, I know this judge. He goes his own way. We just say, ‘Yes, sir, very happy to please you, sir.’”

“But you think it looks promising?”

“The worst-case scenario is ninety days. You’re about two-thirds done with it. It could take a couple of weeks to get a hearing. So, we’re not asking for much—we’re only asking to shorten this temporary-custody ruling by a little bit. Hope for the best. From my point of view, you’re making a very reasonable request. You’ve carried out the judge’s wishes to the letter. Nothing says proper job like a pastor’s assistant.”

“Or pastor’s lover?” she asked, looking down.

“Well, I’m not going to bring that up. It’s not relevant. Okay? Now, is there anything else you should tell me?”

Ellie shrugged and said, “No matter what names he calls them, the one that hurts the most is bastards. I don’t want them called that. That’s my fault, not theirs.”

“Ellie, you have to be stronger than name-calling. You gave them life. You can rise above a dirty word.”

“I know,” she said. “I manage to rise above a lot of things. That one’s extra hard. I’m so happy I have them. So sorry there’s anything missing from their lives.”

From Brie’s office, Ellie headed over to Vanni’s to play Mommy’s helper. Her new friend looked much better than she had when Ellie began this special assistance. Vanni appeared rested and the house was holding up. In what seemed no time at all, it was a whole new scene. Rather than Mommy’s helper, she was Mommy’s friend. They worked together to tidy the house, caught up on the laundry and got an early start on dinner.

While they each sat at a separate end of the sofa with a load of clean baby clothes to fold between them, they talked. “I haven’t held Hannah enough since she first arrived here. I avoided holding her and, when I did, I don’t think my heart was in it. Do you think that’s going to be a lasting harm to her?”

“I don’t really know much about that sort of thing, but my gramma used to always say, ‘Children will tell you what they need if you just pay attention.’ Hannah isn’t even cranky. The only time she cries, she’s tired or dirty or hungry or…reaching for you. If you’re a little better about things now, you can cuddle more, catch her up. I mean, think about it, Vanni—sometimes mommies are too tired, don’t feel good, even get sick and go to the hospital. Sometimes they have to work more than one job.”

“I’m afraid she’ll never forget, on some subconscious level, that I was cold to her. I’m still not sure I’m committed…”

“I know what you mean. I always worried about that, too.”

“About what? Being cold toward your kids?” Vanni asked.

“I wasn’t cold, but I was never able to give them enough. I was wrung out. I mean, I had my gramma to watch the kids and I knew she was giving them tons of love. But they need their mother, right? And I worked day and night. By the time I could be with my kids, I was worn out and I just didn’t have anything left. I’ve always wondered if they suffered because of that. But if you knew them…” She smiled wistfully. “They’re so amazing. I probably owe it all to my gramma.”

Vanni shook out a onesie and folded it. “You’re pretty amazing,” Vanni said. “And I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”

“I’m just having one of those emotional days,” she said. “I don’t have them too often, thank God.” But she’d been threatened by her husband, loved by her man, encouraged by her lawyer, depended on by a good friend. And it wasn’t even noon.

By September in the mountains, the weather was beginning to cool. Fishing was good, hunting was around the corner and the bar was pretty full at dinnertime. Jack greeted a man he’d never seen before. He gave the bar a wipe and said, “Welcome. How you doing?”

“Great, thanks. Nice place you got here.”