I knew it was routine, and he was just checking up on us, but my stomach still plummeted. There wasn’t a single pleasant event I could associate with that man. “What’s up, Captain Wilson?”

Mom’s head snapped to attention, her gaze burning into me.

“Some things came in for you. Would it be okay if I dropped them off in about fifteen minutes?”

“Yeah, no problem. See you in a few.” We hung up, and I looked to Mom. “Captain Wilson will be here in about fifteen minutes. He has a few things to give us.”

Panic walked in and sat on my chest. I swallowed with difficulty. What was so important that it couldn’t wait until Monday? Papers? More insurance work?

“How kind of him to give up his Saturday morning,” Grams commented when Mom couldn’t.

I didn’t want to know.

I pushed back from the table and headed upstairs to wake April. I swung open her door, and the scent of alcohol and vomit assaulted me. “Holy shit.” I covered my nose with the sleeve of my fleece and shook my sister’s still-dressed body. “April, wake up.”

She mumbled incoherently and dug deeper into her nest of blankets. I tried again, gently moving her shoulders. Then she breathed on me, and I almost wished I hadn’t moved her.

Death. She smelled like death that had been rolled in crap and a bottle of Cuervo. I grabbed ahold of her covers and yanked back with one hard pull, leaving her sputtering. “What the fuck, Ember!”

“Get your ass up and into the shower! Captain Wilson is on his way, and Mom is going to need us.” I threw her blankets into the hamper. They smelled suspiciously like puke.

“Give me back my blankets and leave me alone. I don’t feel good.” She burrowed into her pillows.

I calmly walked across the hall to the bathroom, poured a large glass of water, and snagged two Tylenol from the cabinet. I lowered myself to her bed and rubbed her head. “I know you don’t feel good, honey. Take these.” You stupid, stupid girl.

She sat up and gave me a sleepy acknowledgement, swallowing the Tylenol and hitting the mattress with a thud. “Thank you. Now leave me alone.”

I stood quietly and took stock. She was pale, clammy, stinky, and hungover. Grams would have a field day in here, but I couldn’t do that to either of them. I lifted the glass of water high into the air and poured it down over her face. She came up spitting and shrieking. “You bitch!”

I shook the final droplets out of the glass and set it down on her nightstand. “Yup. Now get your ass out of bed.” I threw the latches and slid open her window, letting the rancid room breathe the frigid Colorado air. “You want to drink like a big girl? Then you deal with the big-girl consequences. Now get in the shower, and for the love of God, brush your teeth!”

I waited until she marched out of her room and into the bathroom, flipping me off as she closed the door behind her. Too damn bad. She could be pissed; I really didn’t care.

Gus was already in the dining room and on his third donut before I made it downstairs. He was freshly washed and covered in chocolate. “Em-buh?” he called out with his mouth full.

“Yup?”

He swallowed. “Can I have your strawberry glazed?”

I looked at the donut I’d bought because it reminded me of how Josh tasted last night and nodded. “Go for it, buddy. Do me a favor and go watch a movie in your room? It’s not going to be fun down here for a bit.”

He nodded, already consumed with his strawberry donut, and headed up the stairs. With the three of us at the table again, there was no noise except the ticking of the pendulum from the grandfather clock.

It started to sound like the clicking of a roller coaster, dragging me up the first hill. The problem was that I didn’t know what was coming, how far or fast the drop to the bottom would be. How far my heart would fall out of my chest again.

But there was beauty in not knowing what was coming my way, in being unable to brace for impact.

The doorbell rang, and I jumped, despite knowing he was coming. We all three stood, and this time, Mom answered the door. “Captain Wilson.”

“It’s good to see you, ma’am,” he answered, removing his cover as he entered the house. “Where would you like it?”

She pointed into the living room. Two soldiers walked in tandem, carrying a large, black Tough Box. Then another pair of soldiers did the same. They set the black boxes in front of the couch, on either side of the coffee table. What the hell?

The men stood back, shifting their weight awkwardly as I took a closer look. On the top of the boxes, white writing stood out in dark contrast. “Howard. 5928.”

These were the things my father had taken to Afghanistan with him.

Chapter Twelve

No. No. No. How much more could we take?

Grams sat Mom down on the couch. She’d deserted us again, retreated into her mind and left me to stand in her place. I swallowed the bitter pill and stepped up. “This is all my dad’s, right?”

Captain Wilson nodded. “It came in late last night, but I didn’t want to make you wait any more than you had to. Would you like to go through his inventory?”

“Just let me sign for it.”

“December, it would be best to verify that it’s all here,” he urged.

I snatched the clipboard from him. “Unless you have Dad in there, it doesn’t matter what the hell is in these boxes.” I furiously scribbled my name over yet another government form that threw Dad’s death in my face. I signed, dated. Flipped to another page. Signed. Dated. Flipped again. Signed. Dated. I could have been giving April up for adoption for all I knew. I didn’t bother reading anything anymore.