Where did I live? Where was I vital? Did I have anything that made me feel as alive as Josh looked right now?

“Hey, where are you?” he asked, gliding forward and bracing me before I fell. “You went far away just then.”

I forced a smile. “Nothing, no worries.”

“Don’t pull that crap with me. If there’s something on your mind, I want to know about it. Don’t shove it to the side.”

I couldn’t put it into words, not really. “It’s stupid.”

He came around my side and, with one hand around my waist, guided me smoothly around the ice. “I didn’t mean to push. It’s just that I don’t want you faking stuff around me. Don’t treat me like I’m someone else.”

We both knew who he was talking about. We made another turn, and I was careful to watch his feet, mimicking his smooth motions with my own. “You’re really happy out here.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t have anything like this. I can’t remember the last time I had something of my own. Something that made me feel driven, alive.”

He turned so he was skating backward, pulling me while I faced him. “If I remember correctly, you were a spitfire on the debate team.”

I would have tripped if he hadn’t kept me steady. “Debate team? That was eons ago. Like freshman-and-sophomore-year eons.” My eyes narrowed. “I don’t remember seeing you anywhere near the debate team.” If I had, I wouldn’t have bothered to look at Riley.

His grin nearly undid me. “I seem to recall a certain argument over school uniforms. You handed the opposing team their asses, and that paper was brilliant.”

“Hey! School uniforms are an equalizing measure that takes away a lot of the peer pressure to spend tons of money on clothes for stupid social status . . . Wait. You were actually there? You read my paper?”

“Yeah.” His thumb grazed across my cheek, and he took my hand. “I was Andrusyk’s TA, so I entered all his grades. What were you planning to do with all that fire?”

I braced myself for the oh-she’s-a-dork look. “I wanted to write history books, finding the other side of the story, kind of like Howard Zinn.” I quickly changed the subject before he could think I was an insane library-stalker. “Besides, you entering my grade was one thing, but actually being there to watch?”

His smile faded into a look of brutal intensity. “I had a thing for this girl, but she was way too good for someone like I was.”

The silence of the rink was only broken by the sound of our skates on the ice. “I had the biggest crush on you.” The confession tumbled and tripped from my lips. “I used to daydream about asking you to Sadie Hawkins, or that you’d notice me, but you were Josh Walker, and that was never going to happen.”

He swallowed. “I’m glad you didn’t. I wasn’t the right kind of guy back then.”

“But you are now?”

“That’s the beautiful thing about time. No one stays who they were in high school. You wrote the most amazing history papers, looked at issues with such fresh views. You’d be a great historian. Why did you quit?”

It took less than a second to think back and remember. “Riley.” It came out as a whisper, and I stopped moving my feet. We coasted for a few feet until Josh stopped us, waiting for me to continue. “We got together and made all these plans. I mean, they were good plans, but they were his, I guess. I decided to become an elementary teacher instead, and everything else just went away. Besides, quitting gave me more time for other things, and Dad was gone that year, so Mom needed help with Gus.”

“Do you ever think of yourself first?”

I laughed. “All the time. Don’t paint me as some kind of martyr, Josh. There are just certain ways that things run. Everything has a system, a schedule, and whatever doesn’t help that run gets eliminated. It’s logic, not selflessness.”

“And now that Riley isn’t in the picture? Are you still planning to teach?”

The pit of my stomach dropped out, threatening to take me with it. “Yes.” I shook my head. “No.” I closed my eyes and my breath rushed out as vapor in the air. “I don’t know. It wasn’t losing Riley that hurt the most. It was losing the plans we made. Everything was set, and straight, and perfect. Now everything is just a jumble, and I don’t know how to clean it up without him telling me.”

He nodded slowly. “Just make sure you’re doing what you need, Ember. Find what makes you happy. It’s out there.”

I shuffled the inches that separated us, bringing me up against his chest, and wound my arms around his neck. “The only time I really feel alive anymore is when I’m with you, and that scares the hell out of me.” I whispered the admission.

His lips met mine, cool and firm. The kiss was chaste, sweet, and more tender than any we’d shared before. He pulled me in even closer and rested his forehead against mine. “Everything about you scares the hell out of me, December.”

I didn’t have a chance to respond. A herd of elephants headed our way, coming through the locker-room entry to the ice hall. It was the hockey team from Colorado College, the Tigers, Gus’s fantasy come to life. When it came to hockey, Colorado College was the place to be.

“Hey! You can’t be here!” one of the players shouted, skating over. “We’ve got practice.”

“Yeah, man, sorry. We stayed a few minutes late. We’ll get out of your hair. Thanks for loaning us the ice. ”