Midway through the service, a familiar hand squeezed my shoulder, this time from behind. Riley had finally arrived. Rather than feeling comforted, I was annoyed and angry. For someone who professed to love me, I certainly wasn’t high on his list of priorities today of all freaking days. No doubt he had a perfect excuse though, some cat caught in a tree, or a stranded stranger with a flat tire.

An officer stood at the podium and began the traditional roll call. Oh God, here we go. As he called out the names of soldiers present, they stood in the congregation announcing their presence. All around me, figures in blue popped up like jack-in-the-boxes, alive and well. I thought I was ready to hear it. After all, I knew it was coming. Our CAO had walked us through this many times. They would call my father’s name, but he wouldn’t answer.

That was the whole point.

“Lieutenant Colonel Howard?” The officer’s voice echoed from the silent church. Every muscle in my body tensed and my teeth ground together. “Lieutenant Colonel Justin Howard?” April’s keen wail split the silence and tears burned their way down my cheeks. I couldn’t so much as raise my hands to wipe them away. God, just stop calling his name. Please. But he didn’t. “Lieutenant Colonel Justin A. Howard?” One more time. I just had to make it one more time.

“Why do they keep calling Daddy’s name?” Gus asked.

To prove he’s really gone.

I couldn’t answer him; my vocal cords were paralyzed from fear of what would finally erupt when I spoke. I pulled him closer. “Lieutenant Colonel Justin August Howard?” I knew more was said, but I didn’t hear it. Instead, I was back in my memory, watching Dad kneel down so four-year-old Gus could help pin Lieutenant Colonel rank on his shoulders. We’d all been so happy and proud. I guess we were also supposed to be proud today, knowing he’d given his life for something so much bigger than himself. What people didn’t understand was there was nothing bigger than my dad in my eyes, nothing worth the cost of his life.

Bagpipes belted out “Amazing Grace.” Beside me, my mother finally spoke, whispering my father’s name in a broken plea. “Justin?”

I forced my teeth into my lower lip to keep from crying out, slicing into the soft flesh until the pain I caused could stand against the grief tearing through me.

Once the service was over, I felt like congratulating myself for surviving it, but I still had to make it through the burial. We walked down the aisle behind the chaplain, exiting the service through the main door, where a black limousine waited. Grams pulled my mother inside. April followed soon after with her boyfriend, Brett. I waited outside with Gus, knowing Riley would want to come with us.

He came down the steps slowly, dressed impeccably in a suit his mother had picked out, no doubt. His blond hair was parted to the side, and his blue eyes stood out against the black of the suit. Another spurt of hysterical laughter nearly took me. Riley was a living Ken doll. He pulled me into his familiar arms, wrapping me in the scent of the cologne he’d worn since our senior year. He pulled back to kiss me, and his eyes flared. “Uh, babe?” He recoiled, like he was disgusted.

Josh appeared next to me, setting Gus down after a hug. He pulled out a Kleenex and dabbed at the area just beneath my lip. The tissue came away red, stained with the blood I had drawn with my teeth. He gave me a weak smile and backed away quickly, as though he knew he had overstepped a boundary. Whoa. I ran my tongue across my lip and felt the area I’d abused.

Riley rolled his eyes before he realized who it was. “Josh Walker!” He held out his hand, and Josh shook it. “It’s been a long time, man. You’re coaching my little brother and Gus now, right?”

Josh nodded. “Rory’s a great kid. I’ll catch you later, Gus.”

Gus grabbed onto my hand and tugged. “Can Coach Walker come with us, please?”

Riley answered before I could. “Gus, the limo is only for family.”

Gus smirked. “Well, you’re not family. Besides, if April and Ember get to bring someone, I can, too.”

I couldn’t argue with Gus’s logic. “You’re welcome to join us,” I said to Josh, avoiding his eyes.

The limo ride was the most awkward twenty minutes I’d ever spent in a car. On my left, Riley updated his Facebook status. What could he be typing? Heading to bury girlfriend’s dad? He didn’t handle stress well, and I didn’t hold it against him. It was simply one of the aspects of his personality that I understood, that I tried my best to complement. After all, that was part of our plan, why we went so well together. I filled in his gaps. “Ah, man,” he whispered.

“What is it?” I asked.

He shook his head, scrolling through his phone. “They moved our formal a week earlier.”

I didn’t bother responding. He wasn’t looking for my input anyway. Grams sat stoically, her silver hair pulled into a French twist, her single strand of pearls immaculately appropriate. She’d always had an air of dignity about her, but the way she held herself together in the wake of her son’s death was awe-inspiring. Her hands clutched the small picture frame of Dad’s basic training she had rested on her knees.

“What’s on your mind?” Josh asked, sitting on my right. His phone was out, too; he’d given it to Gus, who was currently destroying small pigs in the Star Wars version of Angry Birds.

I subtly gestured to my grandmother with my head. “My grandfather died in Vietnam.” I shook my head. “She’s already been through so much; this hardly seems fair.”