Author: Lisa De Jong

“No, but I’m also not going to help get him out either!” I yell. “I was paying for it. Hell, I pretty much raised him! If I say he needs help, he needs help.”

She steps back, placing her hand over her heart. “I just want him to be happy,” she says.

I start to move toward Nolan, but Alex grabs my arm and pulls me back toward her. “Calm down,” she whispers. I can’t calm down. I’ve relived this scene over and over through the years and I’m getting sick of watching it.

“Where are you staying?” I ask, focusing my attention on Nolan.

“I’m staying at my apartment with the guys. I’m fine, Dane, you need to just mind your own f**king business. You have other things to worry about now, just leave me alone,” he says glancing toward Alex.

“Go back, right now. I’ll ride with you, or give you money for a cab,” I say, walking to the kitchen to get my cell phone. He’s living in his old place with his roommates who are also addicts. If he hasn’t relapsed already, he will soon. Environment and who you keep company with are everything when you come out of rehab. He’s failing on both.

“I’m not going back!” Nolan yells, placing his hands on his hips.

“Did they assign you a counselor before you left?” I ask, placing my hands on my own hips. My counselor was crucial to my success this last time. When the center recommended her to me, I scoffed, but it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Nolan glances at Mom, and then back at me, clearing his throat. “No, I left before we could get that arranged.”

I hope I misunderstood what he just said. “What do you mean?”

“I left in the middle of the night,” he shrugs.

I’m pissed. I want to tell him I’ve been bank rolling his whole stay in rehab and it’s cleaned my account out. I paid for one month, and it’s not like I’m going to get a refund. I would do anything for this kid, yet he continues to do things his own way. It’s not working so well for him.

“Your ass is going back now!” I shout. Alex reaches up to touch my arm, but I pull back. Even she can’t calm me down right now. I’m tired of my mom working against me when I’m trying to make things better.

“You can’t f**king tell me what to do!” he yells, stepping closer to me.

“Someone has to tell you what to do!” I shout back, glaring at my mom. Sometimes I pretend that we’re all fine, but there are moments when I feel like I’m the only adult. “You should’ve left him there. Why can’t you be a parent for once and quit trying to be his goddamn friend.”

My mom startles as my voice continues to rise. I can feel my nostrils flare. I’m pissed, there’s no way around it.

“He wanted to leave,” she replies. I can tell she’s close to tears. I’m tearing her apart, and part of me doesn’t care; she’s the one that made me this way. I have to control things because there was a time I felt helpless. I know that’s what Nolan is feeling now.

“You should want him to get better,” I say, lowering my voice slightly.

“I do.”

“No, you don’t. Sometimes there’s a difference between need and want; he needs all the time he can get there. What he wants doesn’t matter.” I’m tired of having these conversations with her. I’m only twenty-three and I’ve been the parent for over half my life.

Nolan comes even closer to me. I don’t move; he doesn’t intimidate me. “Leave her the f**k out of this. I would’ve found another way home,” he says, sticking his finger in my chest.

“Well, if you’re still sober in six months, I’ll thank her,” I snap.

“You’re such a f**king asshole,” Nolan says, pushing me back. I’m not ready for it, so I stumble slightly, backing into Alex who falls into the wall.

“Get the f**k out of my house!” I shout, before turning my attention to Alex. She doesn’t look hurt, but she’s upset. I can see the moisture pooling in her eyes as I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. “Are you okay?”

She nods her head, and I offer my hand to help her up before rubbing my hands up her arms a few times, calming her down. When I turn back around to lock the door, Nolan and my mom are still standing there, staring at us. “You.need.to.go. Now!”

“It’s your birthday. What about breakfast?” my mom asks, looking toward Alex.

“Just go. Please,” I repeat, watching as they finally make their way out the door. I rub my hand over my face as I feel Alex’s hand on my back. Usually her touch soothes me, but it’s not enough this time. My f**ked up family ruined something for me once again. I haven’t had a birthday cake since I was nine. Fourteen-fucking-years without a cake. For so many years, I just wanted to mean something to someone. It might sound stupid, but it hurts.

“Nolan, if you change your mind about going back, you have my number,” I shout as they close the door to the apartment. He keeps walking, ignoring my comment. Maybe Nolan hadn’t hit his rock bottom. Then I remember the guys who were after him before he went to rehab. I can’t do much about it, though. He’s made his decision.

Alex and I stand in silence, looking at the closed door. A little while ago I was in bed, thinking about all the good things I could do today, and now I’m trying to think of something to do to make it all go away.

“Do you want to eat breakfast?” she asks quietly, picking at her fingernails.

“I’m not hungry anymore,” I say, running my hands through my hair.

She looks down, avoiding eye contact with me. “I’m going to go clean up the kitchen then.”

Fuck, I made her cry again.

My family ruined her breakfast plans and I know I should follow her into the kitchen and at least try to eat something, but I don’t. I’m not good company right now.

Our families are both f**ked up, but mine’s a little rougher around the edges, and on days like today, I feel like Alex deserves better. Someone who can give her a fairy tale dream. All I can give her is a f**king nightmare.

While Alex works in the kitchen, I start the shower, hoping that it might calm me down. The hot water runs down my face and chest. It’s almost too hot, but I don’t care. The burn on the outside helps distract me from the fire inside. I think back to the morning that changed my life forever.

“Nolan, give me my card back! That one is going to be worth lots of money someday,” I shout, trying to get my Derek Jeter card back from his sticky fingers. Having a little brother isn’t fun, especially this one who’s always getting in my stuff.

“You have to catch me first,” he yells, running around the couch.

“Nolan, I’m going to tell Dad if you don’t give it back to me.” I chase him around the couch so many times that I’m dizzy and thinking of other ways to get the card back from him.

“Boys, you better knock it off right now before your mother gets home. You know how much she hates it when you run through the house!” my dad yells, stopping us in our tracks. My Dad’s voice always does that to us.

Nolan hands me back my card as the doorbell rings. We both take off toward it, trying to see who can open it first. I win. Nolan never beats me at this game.

Standing on our front porch are two police officers. I want to be a police officer when I grow up, so I smile big, thinking they’re coming for me. “Hey, young man. Is your Daddy home?” one of them asks me.

My Dad opens the door all the way, stepping behind me. “Hey, officer. What can I do for you?”

The officers look at each other, and the taller one nods to the shorter one. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but there’s been an accident. Your wife and daughter were hit by a truck, and I’m afraid your daughter didn’t make it.” He pauses long enough that I can hear my father sobbing behind me. What does the officer mean when he says she didn’t make it? “If you want to come with us, we can take you to your wife. She’s banged up, but they think she’s going to pull through.”

I turn to my dad. His head is buried in his hands, and I’m not quite sure what’s going on, but watching the way my dad is reacting is making me sick to my stomach. “Daddy, what is he talking about?”

“I’m sorry, buddy, Jenna’s not coming home,” he says, wrapping his arms around me. I crumble as he holds me tightly against his body. Before now, I’d never imagined a moment without Jenna in my life.

It was the first worst day of my life. I didn’t know it would be one of the last times my dad would hold me. The day he left was the next worst day of my life. I lost count of my bad days after that.

The tears stream down my face, mixing with the hot shower water. I want that day back. I want to make it disappear from my history and completely rewrite it.

Nolan was too young to be as affected as I was, but what happened to our family tormented him just as much as it did me. I know his pain because I feel it.

I want him to feel how I feel now. I want him to experience life the way I’m experiencing it with Alex. I want him to feel something besides anger, sadness and resentment, but I can’t make it happen. I’m realizing that more and more.

With my forehead resting against the shower wall, I let the tears continue to fall. I’m so caught up in my own head that I don’t hear the bathroom door open, or the shower curtain moving. I don’t feel anything until Alex has her arms wrapped around me from behind, pressing her lips to my back. I cover her hands with mine and close my eyes, letting her touch soothe me.

She has no idea what she does to me.

“I’m sorry I ruined your breakfast,” I finally whisper. She doesn’t cook...ever, so I know it was a big deal for her.

“You didn’t ruin it. I should have kept it between us. I just thought it would be nice to have your mom over because of the way dinner ended the last two times. I thought we might have a little better luck with breakfast. I’m learning that we shouldn’t plan things like this with your family…not one of them has ended well,” she says, gently nipping at my back.