The doctor at the Health Center had the bedside manner of a UPS truck driver, more interested in checking off the list of questions on his iPad questionnaire rather than actually talking to me. After a short and impersonal exam, he confirmed that I likely had a miscarriage. He told me it was incredibly common and that most women had at least one in their lifetime. He gave me a packet of brochures and a condom with a rehearsed lecture about safe sex and then sent me on my way.

I tossed the paperwork in the trashcan just outside his office and shoved the condom in my pocket, not sure why I even kept it. The entire visit only made me feel emptier, guiltier. Gavin never asked any questions after I told him everything checked out fine and just went about getting me comfortable in my room.

Not wanting to be alone, I asked Gavin to stick around to watch movies with me. And when he sat next to me, our sides touching a little, I felt a rush of nerves. It wasn’t the same tingles I got when Reed touched me. These were the curious kind, and they made me nervous. When I heard the pounding on my door, my heart began to race, because I knew it was Reed. And I didn’t want him to see Gavin anywhere near me, let alone in my room. I was grateful when Gavin got up from my bed, even if it meant he’d be face-to-face with Reed at the door.

Once our misunderstandings were behind us, Reed ended up staying with me through the night. I still had a few things to pick up from my parents, so we both drove back to Coolidge separately on Saturday morning and spent the rest of the day bouncing between visits with Buck and my parents. That night, we drove out to the desert camp and sat on the hood of Reed’s Jeep, just looking at the stars. The big talk about our future plans never really happened, but that was okay. I’d come to terms with the fact that I was going to have to face change, and I might have to make a choice between following Reed to whatever city he landed in or trusting the strength of our relationship and staying at ASU. And that wasn’t something talking would help; I’d have to figure that out all on my own.

Two weeks had passed, and things were starting to feel normal in my world—the panic attacks stopped, and I was sleeping through the night. Dylan wasn’t around as much as I’d worried she’d be, and Jason had been busy with the business, so when Reed and I went to visit his dad a few times, it was just like old times. Rosie had practically moved in, taking on most of the caretaking that Jason had said he would do. I know this set Reed’s mind at ease, because he constantly worried about his dad.

It was almost Reed’s birthday, and I had decided to surprise him with a camping trip, much like the one he’d given me when we first started dating. I wanted to feel connected to him, connected to us, and I thought bringing us back to the place where I’d first given myself to him completely would do that.

I hadn’t let Reed touch me since the day I found out I had miscarried. I wasn’t flinching at his touch like I had for days, but I still found excuses to stop our kissing from progressing any further. I could tell Reed noticed, but he’d never been pushy with me about being physical. I was usually the aggressor, and I knew that to get back to where we were with our sex life, I’d need to be the one to lead us there.

The weekend before his birthday gave me plenty of planning time. Reed’s game was in Colorado, so I wouldn’t get to see him until the team got back into town. I was spending my Saturday with Sienna for the first time in months. Always up for planning surprises, she was excited when I asked her to join me for a little shopping spree. I needed to get some picnic gear, just enough to make things romantic. I’d borrowed the camping equipment from Buck the weekend before and stashed it in my gigantic trunk.

Sienna and I were cruising the various aisles of Target and almost had everything on my list when we stopped in front of the baby supplies. I froze. I hadn’t thought about it in weeks, but with that small flash of pinks and blues, it all came rushing back to me, and I went catatonic.

“Nolan, are you okay?” I felt Sienna’s arm reaching around me, snapping me back.

“Oh, uh…yeah. I’m okay,” I looked back at the soft quilt hanging from a display and the various piles of baby toys and onesies. Everything around me was so small, so tiny, so precious. I couldn’t seem to come to grips with how quickly something could be here and then be gone. It all happened in an instant.

“Do you think I’ll ever have kids?” I asked, swallowing hard and looking up into Sienna’s eyes. It was the first time I’d said this out loud. I knew I wasn’t ready now, and I felt so guilty that I was relieved when I’d lost the baby. Our baby. Reed’s baby. But I was also terrified that I’d never get another chance. That this was it for me.