“You can’t,” he said softly, his eyes dark with a sadness I couldn’t seem to touch, to heal.

“Let me try. Please. Don’t shut me out.” I reached for him, and he stepped to the side, avoiding my touch. “Josh, please!”

“Damn it! Has it ever dawned on you that I don’t want you to know? That you are the last person I want in my fucking head? It’s with me every second, every day. No matter what I do, it’s there, waiting…festering. The only time I can escape the thoughts, the memories, the nightmares is when I’m with you. When I’m kissing you, holding you, inside you. You are the last safe place I have in this world, and you’re going to have to forgive me if I’m not ready to give that up and trade it for the look in your eyes when you realize what an ugly mess it is in here.” He tapped his heart. “Forgive me if I’m not ready for you, of all people, to see me as broken.”

“You’re breaking me.”

He sucked in his breath.

“Every time you keep me in the dark, every story I hear secondhand, every reckless act you pull, every time you reach for me out of need instead of desire…you break off another piece.”

Pain contorted his face for a second before he swallowed and looked away. “I’m sorry for that. You deserve better.”

“Josh.” I whispered his name as I moved forward, cupping his cheek in my hand. “I deserve you. But I deserve all of you, and not just what you’re willing to let me see.” He stared at me so long that I finally realized he still wasn’t going to say anything. “You really can’t let me in, can you?” I whispered.

“Let’s go to bed.” His voice dropped.

Just when I thought my heart couldn’t hurt any more, another slice opened me up, bleeding and raw. We readied for bed in a tense silence that didn’t dissipate once we’d climbed beneath the sheets.

“I love you,” he whispered to my back.

I turned over to face him, the contours of his face lit by moonlight through the window. “Then let me in, Josh.”

His eyes closed as if he was in pain. “I can’t.”

I closed the distance between us, putting my palm to his cheek. “You know the thing about the crater today? That giant impact?”

“That tiny, red-haired meteorite,” he added, looking at me as the memory softened both of us. But in my case, it was more like a slow breakdown of everything I’d used to hold myself together the last month.

“That meteorite wasn’t so small to start with. Half of it burned up in the atmosphere, just trying to get to Earth. The rest of it… It almost all vaporized upon impact. It made that impact, for good or bad, but all that’s left of it are tiny, scattered pieces.”

His lips parted, little lines forming between his eyebrows. “December.” He said my name like a prayer, a plea, but when nothing else followed, I rolled onto my side away from him.

I slept like crap, and when Mom texted in the morning, I took it as a sign and packed my bag in silence.

I was in a cab for the airport before he’d even realized I was gone.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

JOSH

The sunlight streamed through the window, hitting me in the face as I opened my eyes. No matter how late I slept, I was still exhausted. Always exhausted.

Ember must have beaten me out of bed, because her side was empty. I rested my forearm over my eyes after I saw the time on my cell phone. Ten o’clock. Damn, that fight had been brutal. I should have gotten up early, gotten her coffee. I should have done a lot of things. Instead I’d given in to my pride, my need for that thirty-second thrill, my stupid craving for the speed, and I’d let Evan push me into a race. Like he even had to push hard.

Her eyes, God, they’d killed me, but how could she understand?

She can’t when you won’t tell her, you asshat.

I groaned, wishing I could crush the tiny conscience that hammered away at me. My feet hit the floor, and I pulled on shorts and a Pearl Jam T-shirt before going in search of my fiancée. Mom only looked the other way on the tattoos as long as they weren’t thrown in her face.

The house was quiet in an uncomfortable way. Something was off. The tiles were cold under my feet as I walked into the kitchen, where Mom sat at the small table. She gave me a sad smile. “Good, you’re up. I poured you some coffee.”

“Where’s Ember?” I asked as I took the seat across from her, where a still-steaming cup of coffee waited.

“She’s gone,” Mom said softly, her eyes nearly dripping sympathy.

I sat up straight. “What do you mean, she’s gone?”

Mom shrugged. “I caught her on the way out. She said her brother broke his nose at hockey camp, and she was headed home for a couple of days to see him.”

“Gus, what? Why wouldn’t she tell me? I would have gone with her.” The chair squeaked as I pushed back from the table and stood. I needed to pack and find a flight.

“Sit down, Josh.”

Her tone didn’t allow for argument, and I did as ordered. She gave me “the look.” The one that my five-foot-three mother used to send me running for the hills. “Mom?”

“We haven’t really talked about what happened to you…over there.”

Fuck my life. Her, too? “Mom…”

“Stop. We didn’t talk the first time, and I thought maybe that was for the best, to let you deal with it in your own way. I figured as long as I didn’t get calls from the police department that you’d been racing, you were fine.”