“Where I am now was from the sweat off my own back.”

She sighed, giving up. She might have had a decent argument yesterday, before this shit-storm, but right now I was feeling negative and wound up. I felt like a kid again, devastated and grim. My entire world felt like it was teetering on a knife’s edge.

I needed him alive.

Because living my own life was okay, so long as I knew he was living his. I couldn’t adjust to a world that he wasn’t in. He needed to exist. It sounded crazy, I know. But that’s just the way it was.

“Leah, your phone has been ringing non-stop,” Melanie said. “I’m going to get it and you can decide to turn it off or pick up.”

She got up and left, and I continued staring at the television, breathlessly taking in the remnants of the aircraft. It was only a small craft, and I didn’t know if that was worse.

For a moment, I tried to imagine what it would have been like onboard that plane as it plummeted into the river. The fear, the shock, the uncertainty. Worst of all, you had zero control of your surroundings. You were literally the product of a disaster that was out of your hands.

Planes always scared me. It was one of the reasons why, when push came to shove, I didn’t travel. To be inside an aluminum shell… No. Just… no.

“It’s Rome,” Melanie suddenly said from behind me, her voice wavering.

“Rome?” His name felt so foreign coming out of my mouth.

“Answer it!”

I grabbed the phone from her hand as she sat down next to me, and I stared at the name flashing on the screen.

Rome.

It really was.

“Hello,” I answered in a small voice.

I felt my stomach twisting, felt my heart beat harder as the line on the other end was quiet for a moment.

“Leah,” he said, his voice solemn and tight. “I don’t know if you know –”

“Of course I know about the crash,” I interrupted, more tears stinging my eyes. “Is he alive? Did they pull him out of the water? Please, tell me it was him.”

His brief silence killed me.

He was dead.

Of course he was.

You don’t survive that kind of crash, in a jet that size.

How was I going to endure now?

“He’s alive,” he then said.

The phone practically fell from my grip as I hunched over and sobbed into the cushion pillow. The relief was too intense to describe. I could hardly breathe as I shook. Melanie’s arms went around me again, and I could hear her soft cries. She’d heard him.

“Oh, my God, Melanie,” I cried. “Oh, my God.”

I must have cried like that for ages before I was able to grab the phone again. Putting it to my ear, I was surprised the call was still going.

“Rome,” I let out, practically strangled by my emotions, “Is he okay?”

“I don’t know,” he said, honestly. “They took him to the hospital, and the entire time he was calling out to his dad. I think he was hallucinating.”

“But physically… Is he okay?”

“I think so. I’m on my way to the hospital now.”

“Let me know everything.”

“Of course.” He paused again, sighing. “Look, I’m all the way in New York right now and my parents are hysterical. Do you think you can stop by and tell them everything is okay? They’d feel better if it was said in person. You know the way they are.”

“Yeah,” I responded with a nod. “I know. I’ll tell them. I’ll go after I take care of something.”

“Thanks, Leah.”

“Don’t forget to update me.”

“I won’t.”

I got off the phone and wiped at my eyes.

“See,” Melanie whispered, stroking my back. “A little faith can go a long way.”

I nodded at her. “I know, I’m sorry. It’s just… I was expecting a different outcome.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I have to take care of Cheryl, then go see Rome’s parents.”

Her eyes stared hard at me as she pushed, “And then?”

With a sigh, I said, “And then I have to see him.”

*

It took every ounce of power to get off that couch. Getting up was the last thing I wanted to do. I still felt weak all over. I couldn’t stop shaking, and I knew it was because my body hadn’t caught up to the news. It was still paralysed with fear.

When I did, eventually, Melanie was already dressed and ready too.

“I’m going to see Marlena and Harold too. Did you want me to ride with you?” she asked.

“No,” I answered with a shake of my head. “You go straight there. I don’t know how long I’m going to be at Cheryl’s.”

“Okay, but are you sure you can drive? You look really messed up still.”

“I’ll be fine.”

I downed a cup of coffee before I even made it to the car. By then, my nerves had calmed down somewhat. Taking a deep breath, I popped a headphone into one of my ears and played a song on my iPod on the way to Cheryl’s.

A song by Carter.

I let his voice calm me down, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t sobbed most of the way there.

Fuck, Leah, what if he had died? Where would you be then?

I’d be filled with regrets, held back by my own fear.

By the time I made it to the trailer park, I was somewhat in better shape. I parked the car and got out, and by then, Cheryl had stepped out and onto the porch, wearing sweatpants and a sweater with holes the size of her head.

Holding a cigarette in one hand, she waved at me with the other, and I swallowed hard, trying to look elsewhere than at her, when I waved back.

She was doing better since Russell was put away for aggravated assault on a police officer two years ago. This was all after he’d been drunk driving and crashed his car into the back of another car with a family inside. It happened early in the day, too, something stupid like two in the afternoon. Honestly, he was a fucking idiot, so I wasn’t at all surprised.

Karma, right?

Cheryl stopped whoring herself, and according to her, she was done with the drugs. But I wasn’t so sure about it, especially now, as I was walking toward her. She was frail, her hair dry-looking, and her skin pasty white.

Since I’d heard about what happened to Russell, for some dumb reason, I held a soft spot for her. Maybe it was because I knew what it was like being under Russell’s control, and at times there were parts of her I’d seen when she wasn’t so drunk, little peeks of what she must have been like before she was drug-dependant. So, out of my pay check, I put aside fifty dollars a week and gave her two hundred once a month to clear a bit of rent and food. She found herself a job at a diner, but it was a distance away, which was why I was here now.