When he appears at the passenger door and reaches in to help me out of the car, my legs instantly turn to Jell-O. Zack grabs my hand to help me out, and the combination of my unsteady legs and the heady feeling his touch brings me causes me to miss my step. I stumble and fall right into his arms.

“Whoa, are you okay?” Zack laughs but keeps his arms around me as he looks down to make sure I really am okay.

Thank god it’s dark, because I have never felt this flushed in my life. I’m taken aback by my body’s reaction to the feel of his arms wrapped around me. Does he sense it too? Surely, he must know what his nearness is doing to me.

I look up to profess my clumsiness and our eyes meet…closer…much closer than before. Zack suddenly straightens and steadies me on my feet. “Do you need me to walk you to the front door?” There’s a sudden and severe change in his body language and a flatness in his voice. He may as well be asking an old lady if she needs help crossing the street.

“I’m fine. Just a little clumsy. You can go.” My hurt feelings are evident in my words and surely on my face. I’ve never been good at hiding my hurt.

Zack doesn’t seem to notice though. He’s already disappeared mentally, if not physically. “See you in school,” His voice is mechanical, without any hint of the playful guy who was flirting with me just moments ago. He doesn’t even look back as he walks away.

Zack, his well-bred manners intact, sits in the car watching to assure I make it into Aunt Claire’s house safely. As soon I close the door behind me, he pulls away from the curb. Watching out the window, I’m reminded of the way his demeanor changed at the track. What is it that enters Zack’s head and robs that flicker from his beautiful eyes?

Later that night, I toss and turn, unable to sleep, remembering the surge of heat that flushed through my body at Zack’s touch. I don’t ever remember feeling anything like it before. As much as I know I need to stay focused on why I came to Long Beach to begin with, it’s pretty impossible to erase the feeling from my mind. Or body.

As I fall asleep, I start thinking about my sister. Until I met Ashley, I never had anyone to share my most personal thoughts with. Mom and I didn’t have that kind of relationship. I wouldn’t have told her about Zack. At least I don’t think so. But, a sister… a sister is exactly who you would share this stuff with. Perhaps mine is popular and has had boyfriends— she’ll have all the right advice .

Chapter 19

Zack

As I walk in the front door of our house, I realize I don’t even remember the drive home from Nikki’s. That happens a lot lately. Minutes, hours and days disappear. I’m alive, but I’m not really living. It’s what I deserve. I don’t deserve to feel. Not when Emily can’t anymore.

But being near Nikki makes me feel. It’s not just in my head either. It’s physical too. A draw, a pull, an energy that zaps me back from the land of numb. Even the slightest touch, a simple handshake, brings me back to life. Sure I remember the excitement of being around Emily. The ache in my groin just from a glimpse of her in a bikini. But I don’t remember this. When Nikki tripped out of the car tonight, my legs went so weak at the touch of her body that I almost fell myself. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I toss and turn all night trying to stop feeling, but the emotions are just too powerful. I shower for school the next morning, reasoning with myself that all I need to do is stay away from her. If I don’t touch, the feeling won’t come back. It should be simple.

***

It saddens me that nothing seems to have changed, yet everything is different. The numbness I wanted so desperately last night found me the moment I walked into school. Maybe it was the sight of a gaggle of girls in the courtyard who reminded me of Emily. Beautiful bodies dressed to perfection, outlined with golden hair. Poised for viewing. The courtyard was Emily’s favorite place to show off her runway outfits.

Walking into school doesn’t get easier with each day that passes. Dad said it would and so did the leader of the support group Mom and Dad made me go to every week all summer. But they’re wrong. They’re all wrong.

It happens again as I walk into Mr. Davis’s class. I realize the walk between the courtyard and class is lost. But when I walk into English, I’m pulled back by the sight of Nikki. The only open desk in the room is directly behind her. She looks down into her notebook, seemingly so unaffected by everyone around her…guys showing off, girls carrying on about their ridiculously overpriced shoes.

I inhale a deep breath and walk to the desk. I almost make it past her when she looks up and spots me. I recognize the expression on her face. She doesn’t know how to react to my presence. It’s an expression I’m way too familiar with the last few months.

Allie either doesn’t notice or ignores my brooding. “Hey Zack. Thanks for driving Keller and Nikki home last night. My car is out of commission for now.”

“No problem,” I mumble as I take the seat behind Nikki and next to Allie.

Keller slams his body into the seat on the other side of me. “Coach said you better show up at football practice today if you want to play at homecoming.” He tries to sound like he’s just delivering a message, but it’s also his own curiosity wanting to know if I’m coming back to the team.

“I’ve only missed a few days,” I snap back at him.

“A few days and the entire summer,” he quickly reminds me. “If it was anyone else he wouldn’t even let them play. But I think he’s serious. You better come to practice today.”