I pushed out my chair, and headed downstairs, through the kitchen and out into the yard. I knew this was crazy, but suddenly it seemed so crucial that I somehow tell Nate I was sorry, reach out to him and let him know that I was here.

When I got to the gate, I pulled it open, then peered in, looking for him. But it was Mr. Cross I saw a moment later, walking quickly through the living room, his phone to his ear. Immediately I stepped back, around the fence, hiding as he slid open the glass door and came out onto the patio.

“I told you, I’ve been out of town all day,” he was saying as he crossed by the pool, over to the garage. “He was supposed to be doing pickups and check-ins. Did he come by and get the cleaning today?” He paused, letting out a breath. “Fine. I’ll keep looking for him. If you see him, tell him I want him home. Now. Understood?”

As he went back inside, all I could hear, other than my breathing, was the bubbling of the nearby pump, pushing the water in and out, in and out. I thought of Nate swimming laps that night, his dark shadow moving beneath the trees, how long it had been since I’d seen him alone in the pool.

Mr. Cross was inside now, still looking as his pace quickened, moving faster, back and forth. Watching him, I had a flash of Nate at school the last time I’d seen him, suddenly realizing why his expression—distant, distracted—had been so familiar. It was the same one on my mother’s face the last time I’d seen her, when I walked into a room and she turned, surprised.

And this was why, as Mr. Cross called his name again, I knew his searching was useless. There’s just something obvious about emptiness, even when you try to convince yourself otherwise. Nate was gone.

Chapter Eighteen

“Here,” Jamie said. “For luck.”

I watched him as he slid his car keys across the table toward me. “Really?” I said. “Are you sure?”

“Positive,” he replied. “It’s a big day. You shouldn’t have to start it on the bus.”

“Wow,” I said, slipping them into my pocket. “Thanks.”

He sat down across from me, pouring himself his usual heaping bowl of cereal, which he then drowned with milk. “So,” he said, “what’s your state of mind. Confident? Nervous? Zen?”

I made a face at him. “I’m fine,” I told him. “I just want to get it over with.”

His phone, which was on vibrate, suddenly buzzed, skipping itself sideways across the table. Jamie glanced at the caller ID and groaned. “Jesus,” he said, but answered anyway. Still, his voice was curt, not at all Jamie-like, as he said, “Yes?”

I pushed out my chair, taking my own bowl to the sink. As I passed him, I could hear a voice through the receiver, although the words were indistinguishable.

“Really,” Jamie said, and now he sounded concerned. “When was the last time you saw him? Oh. Okay, hold on, I’ll ask her.” He moved the phone away from his ear. “Hey, have you talked to Nate lately? His dad’s looking for him.”

I knew it, I thought. Out loud, I said, “No.”

“Did you see him this weekend?”

I shook my head. “Not since school on Friday.”

“She hasn’t seen him since Friday,” Jamie repeated into the phone. “Yeah, absolutely. We’ll definitely let you know if we do. Keep us posted, okay?”

I opened the dishwasher, concentrating on loading in my bowl and spoon as he hung up. “What’s going on?” I asked.

“Nate’s gone AWOL, apparently,” he said. “Blake hasn’t seen him since Friday night.”

I stood up, shutting the dishwasher. “Has he called the police? ”

“No,” he said, taking a bite of cereal. “He thinks he probably just took off for the weekend with his friends— you know, senioritis or whatever. Can’t have gone far, at any rate.”

But I, of course, knew this wasn’t necessarily true. You could get anywhere on foot, especially if you had money and time. And Nate hadn’t had a fence to jump. He’d just walked out. Free and clear.

And I was too late. If I’d just gone over there that night I’d seen him swimming, or talked to him on Friday at school, maybe, just maybe, I might have been able to help. Now, even if I wanted to go after him, I didn’t know where to start. He could be anywhere.

It was weirder than I’d expected, driving myself to school after so many long months of being dependent on someone else. Under any other circumstances, I probably would have enjoyed it, but instead it felt almost strange to be sitting in traffic in the quiet of Jamie’s Audi, other cars on all sides of me. At one light, I glanced over to see a woman in a minivan looking at me, and I wondered if to her I was just a spoiled teenage girl in an expensive car, a backpack on the seat beside her, blinker on to turn in to an exclusive school. This was unnerving for some reason, so much so that I found myself staring back at her, hard, until she turned away.

Once at school, I started across the green, taking a deep breath and trying to clear my head. Because of my certainty that Nate had taken off—even before I knew it for sure— I’d actually ended up following Gervais’s Zen-mode plan, if only because I’d been too distracted to study the night before. Now, though, calculus was the last thing on my mind, even as I approached my classroom and found him waiting outside the door for me.

“All right,” he said. “Did you follow my pre-test instructions? Get at least eight hours sleep? Eat a protein-heavy breakfast? ”