With a smile, I return to my work and think to myself that my five-year plan just got a lot more interesting.

Chapter 6—Emmy—Present Time

That son of a bitch!

Who the hell does he think he is?  For years, he’s treated me with indifference.  The only time I got past his thick shield was at Axel and Izzy’s wedding.  He had so much to drink that he doesn’t even remember that he almost took me against the wall at the reception.  Not one of my finest moments, but I savored those precious memories of his mouth and hands on my body.  I’m not proud of it or what it makes me, but that small memory has carried me through some tough times lately.

Like a naïve little girl, I’ve harbored my crush on Maddox Locke since the first time I met him back in California.  It took losing the one person I considered family to wake me the hell up.  I’ve been panting after the one man who couldn’t care less about me, giving him every second of my dreams, only to get pushed down each and every time.  Sure, I’ve dated here and there, but no one has ever made me feel the way he did.  It was hopeless.

Every since the day that Coop died, I feel like I’ve been struggling to find my place.  Find where I belong.  His death kills me daily.  We weren’t as close as we had been four years ago.  Between things picking up at CS and our moving from California to Georgia, we were just too busy.  I regret that daily.  I know I looked stupid for running, but I couldn’t stay.  Not when I’d lost the one person who’d had my back like no one else.  Sure, I was close with the girls—especially Melissa—but something held me back from giving them one hundred percent of Emersyn.  To this day, the only ones who know my whole story are Axel and…well, Coop.

I’m sure the other guys know bits and pieces, but they don’t know everything.  Axel made me a promise the day I met him that he would do his best to never let my past come up again.  I’ll never forget his words.

“We all have our battles.  We get past them the best we can by putting one foot in front of the other.  Looking back doesn’t do anything but make it hurt a little more.”

So that’s what I did.  I did it for four years as I worked for the boys and then I did it again when Coop gave his life and saved me again.

One foot in front of the other.

“You have a lot of nerve, Maddox Locke,” I deadpan.

He takes his eyes off the road and levels me with what I’m sure is meant to be one of his signature shut-the-hell-up glares.  They don’t work on me anymore.  I don’t care.  He’s kept me dangling by a string of desire for years now.  I prayed that he would just look at me.  And now, now that I’m working on fixing myself, he thinks he can just storm right in and save the day.

“What do you want from me?  Huh?  Is this some sick game with you?!”

He ignores me.  Not that I expected anything less.  But it does nothing but fuel my fire.  How dare he!

“Four years, you idiot!  I all but handed myself over to you.  The only thing that was missing was a freaking bow and a cherry on the top!  Four stupid years I wanted you.  And now… What is this now?  I’m not good enough for you, but you still want me to die a little inside by forcing me to be around you?”

His jaw ticks, but that’s all I get.

“Answer me!  Why!  Why now?”

Nothing.

“I hate you!” I exclaim, hating the taste of those words from my mouth when directed him.  I don’t hate him and I probably never could.  I’m not really sure what that says about me at this point.

I have to hold on to the dash when his car suddenly swerves to the shoulder and comes to a jarring halt.  He doesn’t move to face me.  Hell, he doesn’t move at all.  He just faces forward with his white-knuckle grip on the wheel and his chest moving rapidly with each breath he forces through his nose.

But he still refuses to speak.

“I loved you once, you know,” I whisper more to myself than to him, but he hears me because I watch his eyes close.  “I loved you unconditionally even though I was—no, even though I am—nothing to you.  I left because being around you and trying to get over the fact that I’m the reason why Coop is dead was just too much.  I was dying, daily, every time you would look at me but look right through me.  I’m not sure why I thought that you would somehow be there for me when you never had been before.”