Tonight, we need to actually be social and not kill each other, so I told him that I am leaving.  We fought all day today, and this time, it didn’t even end in a rough coupling.  This time when I screamed in his face that I hated him, I almost believed it—and I could tell by the look that flashed across his face that he did too.  And that terrified me.

It was the first time he didn’t demand I ‘give him the words.’

So now here we are, on the way to Asher and Chelcie’s house for ‘family dinner’ and my resentment towards everyone around me is getting out of control.  Hell, I have no business being out in public with the thoughts I keep thinking.  I want to take Maddox by the neck and shake some sense into his thick scull.

I put a brave face on for Chelcie.  I smile and keep the act up like my world isn’t crashing down around me, but every time my eyes lock with Maddox’s, I’m reminded that he is the reason I’m feeling this pain.  The fact that he keeps pushing me away is why I’ve turned into a head case.

Then, as if things couldn’t get worse, I have the misfortune of overhearing their conversation and my mood goes from bad to toxic.

Chelcie has just finished telling him how she was dealing with everything after Sarah Jane.  I watch her place her arm on his cheek and he doesn’t pull away.  I should feel bad about eavesdropping, but the fact that he isn’t pulling away from her is mind-blowing enough for me.

He’s let her in.

He’s let in someone I know he feels nothing romantic for, yet he keeps pushing me away.

“One day, Maddox Locke, when you decide to let go of that pain inside you, you’re going to understand what I mean.  You have so much love to give in you.”  Chelcie’s words hurt.  She’s right—I know that because I’ve seen that love he has the capability of—but it still doesn’t make it feel any better knowing that it probably is not meant to be with us.

I can’t see his face, but I watch Chelcie’s eyes widen in shock.  Oh I know what she saw—the truth.  She saw his pain clear as day.  The pain he keeps away from everyone, choosing to suffer alone and not let anyone close enough to help.

“Yeah, sweetheart.  Maybe you’re right.”

His words are my undoing.  He really doesn’t want me.  Hell, maybe he does believe that he can love someone now—now that he’s gotten better about being so untouchable.  But… he clearly doesn’t feel like I’m worth that risk.  I’m standing right here, begging him to let me take on his pain, yet it isn’t enough.

With my eyes filling with tears, I watch as he walks right past me.  He doesn’t even look in my direction.  I’m completely invisible.

As the evening progresses, my despair and bitterness grow.  I smile with the girls, attempt to put on a brave face for the guys—but Maddox gets nothing.  Until I hear Asher announce that he and Chelcie are getting married and he actually has the nerve to look smug.  His eyes go from laughing at Chelcie to emotionless when they lock with mine.

I snap… There really isn’t a pretty way to explain what I feel in that moment.  I’m just…done.

“You’re fucking unbelievable,” I mumble, careful to keep my voice low enough so that only he hears me.

His brow lifts and he cockily asks, “What was that, Em?”

That son of a bitch.  I can feel my skin heat.  Not from embarrassment, but from red-hot rage.

I jump from my seat, not even flinching when it falls to the floor with a crowd-stopping boom.  I storm over, grabbing his beer for a deep pull while I try and pick my words carefully.  If these are the last ones I ever speak to him, I need to make sure they count.

“Look at you.  Sitting there silent as always.  You’re in a room full of people who love each other.  People who have fought their demons in order to be together.  They had the strength to battle anything that stood in their way.  The courage to push away from the uncertainty of the unknown.  And what does Maddox Locke do?  He sits back and gives everyone else around him advice on how to make that happen!  He fights for them, but he refuses to fight for himself.  FOR ME!  Well guess what, buddy?  I’m sick of it.  I love you FOR you.  I never gave a damn about your past, those secrets you hide so deep.  I’ve been willing to fight for you.  Battle those demons that shake your doors at night.  And while I’m at it, I might as well go for broke, right?”  I laugh a sound that is nothing sort of the frustration I’m feeling.  “I never gave a damn about you having one leg.  You think you’re slick hiding it, but I see you!  I didn’t love you for whatever limbs you have or don’t have.  I want you for your heart, and I won’t settle for anything less.”