Author: Molly Harper

“Well, if it isn’t my good friend Gabriel. How are you, son?”

“What are you doing here?” Gabriel demanded.

Dick squeezed my shoulder in a chummy gesture. “We’re writing a vampire children’s book, See Dick and Jane Bite. What do you think?”

If looks could kill…well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.

“See Dick,” Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mine. “Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That’s funny.”

“Do all vampires know one another?” I asked, fending off Dick’s languidly resting hand on my knee. It was obviously for Gabriel’s benefit. The last thing I needed was to be caught up in some bizarre undead-male pissing contest.

“Only vampires who were best friends from the cradle,” Dick replied. “But Gabriel here likes to pretend that we’ve always been archenemies. How do you two know each other? You didn’t lose a fight with him, too, did you?”

My response was not ladylike at all, which pleased Dick beyond an appropriate measure. After a beat, Dick scowled, leaned close, and sniffed my hair.

“You’re her sire?” Dick frowned. “Should have picked up on that. She’s not your type at all, Gabe. She can string a sentence together. And she’s not evil.”

“Thanks,” I said, ducking my head away. What was with vampires and hair smelling? Did that mean Gabriel had scented my hair? Like a cat? Note to self: Buy clarifying shampoo immediately.

Gabriel ignored Dick, focusing on me. “Jane, where did you go last night?”

“Not in love with your tone right now,” I told him.

“I’ll use a more cheerful tone when I have more cheerful news,” he said. “Where did you go last night?”

“The Cellar.”

He shot Dick the icy glare of death. “With whom?”

“With me,” Dick offered. “We had a very memorable encounter in the parking lot.”

“That’s not what it sounds like,” I said, elbowing Dick in the ribs.

“Jane, did you get into a fight with a vampire named Walter?”

I gave him my own lukewarm glare of malaise. “A lowlife, scum-sucking, old-man shaker named Walter, yes.”

“He’s dead,” Gabriel said.

Dick snorted. “Yeah, he’s dead. You’re dead. I’m dead. We’re all dead. I thought you knew this stuff.”

At this point, I think Gabriel was blocking out Dick’s mere presence with some sort of meditation exercise. “No, Jane, Walter is permanently dead. He was locked in the trunk of his car, and the car was set on fire.”

“He could have done that to himself!” I exclaimed.

Dick considered that for a moment and nodded.

Gabriel gave me the stern face. “This isn’t funny.”

I held up my fingers, measuring “this much” humor. “It’s a little bit funny. I thought we turned to ashes and dust when we’re permanently killed. How do they even know that it’s Walter in the trunk?”

“His wallet and other personal effects were found with him,” Gabriel said. “Your purse was found near the car.”

“I left it at the bar last night! What’s going on? Are the police going to come knocking on my door?”

“Suspicious vampire deaths are not investigated by the living authorities,” Gabriel said in a professorial tone that made me want to nibble on his earlobes until one of us lost consciousness.

Gabriel was still talking. “The victims are officially dead, anyway, so the humans figure why bother? Anytime a human kills a vampire, human law enforcement considers it self-defense, something the World Council has been trying to change for years. Either way, the Undead are strongly discouraged from killing one another without good reason. Losing a back-alley fight is not considered sufficient cause to set someone on fire.”

“Why would I set fire to someone I barely know? And then leave my purse next to the car so the authorities could be sure to track me down? And I didn’t lose the back-alley fight, I just didn’t win it,” I corrected. Gabriel stared. “Fine, I lost. But Dick came along and helped settle the disagreement. Walter walked away. I took Andrea home with me and went to bed…alone,” I added when Dick opened his mouth. “Dick can vouch for the fact that when I left that parking lot, Walter was alive.”

“I don’t think using Dick as a character witness is going to help you.” Gabriel said.

Dick considered that for a moment and nodded.

“She didn’t do anything, Gabe,” Dick said. “She was just trying to keep Norm from getting hurt. Even the Council will be able to see that.”

“Council?” I squeaked. But neither of them noticed, what with all the seething and male posturing.

“As your sire, I have to take you before the local council to answer some questions,” Gabriel told me. “I would suggest you put on some more suitable clothes.”

I looked down at my clothes. Apparently, pajama pants imprinted with little cupcakes were not suitable.

I ran inside to change into khakis and a respectable blouse, reluctant to leave Dick and Gabriel alone for fear they might say something interesting in my absence. When I came back out, it appeared that they hadn’t said anything at all. Gabriel was leaning against the porch railing, arms crossed and eyes narrowed at his old friend. Dick was stretched out on my swing, scratching my adoring dog. Fitz had roused himself enough to sit up and place his head on Dick’s knee.

“You’ll be fine, Stretch,” Dick assured me with a wink. “See you later.”

Gabriel glowered at Dick as he opened the door to his car, a rather sedate Volvo sedan. It was disappointing, despite the total destruction of every preconceived vampire notion I’d had in the last week. The car smelled of old leather and not much else. It was a refreshing change from my car, which smelled faintly of bacon cheeseburgers.

Dick didn’t bother leaving before we pulled away. He stayed stretched across my porch swing with my dog’s head on his knee. He even blew me a little kiss as I left. I’m sure it was meant to make Gabriel wonder whether he would still be there when I returned. I bounced between being annoyed and being somewhat flattered that he was using me to irritate Gabriel. I settled on annoyed.

I had no idea what awaited me at the council hearing. After the initial Coming Out chaos subsided, the World Council for the Equal Treatment of the Undead appointed national and state-level commissions to look into suspicious vampire deaths and record the newly turned. Those state councils had local representatives to settle minor squabbles and determine what matters were worth the higher-ups’ attention. They were also granted authority to carry out sentences for the Council.

Gabriel drove in seething silence until we reached the edge of town. As we pulled to a stop on Gates Street, he tightened his fingers around the steering wheel and spat. “I can smell him on you.”

“Who?”

“You know who,” he snarled.

“Is this about Dick?” I finally asked.

He growled.

I crossed my arms, as much to put a barrier between our bodies as to communicate my exasperation. “So, it’s about Dick.”

Not to be obvious, but wasn’t it always?

He pulled me to face him in my seat, his face dangerously close to mine. “I need to make something very clear. I’m not your friend, Jane. I’m not Zeb. I can’t spend time with you if you’re going to be with someone else.”

“I want you to really, really listen to me, because I say this with all sincerity,” I whispered, pressing his hands between mine. “You are not a well man.”

“Don’t make a joke out of this,” he growled.

“I’m not kidding,” I growled back. “What the hell do you mean, you’re not my friend? And I haven’t been with anyone, thank you very much. You’d know that if you really paid attention with that nose of yours.

“Look, Dick was actually really helpful last night. He probably kept Walter from cracking my skull. And he came over tonight to make sure I was OK,” I told him. “That’s it. Nothing happened. I mean, he touched me, but not in the way you’re thinking. And smelling me to determine whom I have and haven’t been around is not an appropriate use of vampire powers. In fact, it’s kind of pathetic. Your light’s green.”

Gabriel finally noticed the changed traffic signal and punched the gas. He smoldered for a few beats before he burst out with, “You know he lost his family’s house in a card game, yes?”

“Dick lost his house to you in a card game.” I sighed.

Andrea had acquainted me with this interesting tidbit. Before they were turned, Gabriel and Dick spent much of their time bouncing between the card table (Dick’s hobby) and the horse auctions (Gabriel’s hobby). One night after several hands of poker and too much of Dick’s brandy, Dick wagered his family home against Gabriel’s prize stallion. Dick was too drunk to realize he was holding two eights, a seven, a jack, and a two, not a straight. Though Gabriel tried to give the house back, Dick was too proud to take it. This was fortuitous, as the Cheney manse was where Gabriel ran when his brothers staked him out.

Between the humiliation of Dick’s loss and Gabriel’s new “nights only” policy, let’s just say they were no longer BFFs. Petty grievances and snarky exchanges compiled until they went from not being able to stand each other to open hostility. Dick’s propensity for penis-related quips and juvenile pranks didn’t help. In the late 1960s, he peppered Gabriel’s entire house with silver filings. For more than a decade, Gabriel couldn’t sit without minor burns to his behind.

So, despite living within a ten-mile radius of each other for more than a century, they didn’t speak unless they had to. By the way, before you start making assumptions, Dick was not turned by the same woman who turned Gabriel. According to Andrea, Dick was turned ten years after Gabriel, after a particularly bad card game. The winner, a vampire from New Orleans named Scat, wanted to make sure Dick’s debt was paid off and figured giving him an extra few hundred years would help. Notice a gambling pattern here?

“You—you should not spend time with Dick Cheney.”

I nodded. “Especially if he’s holding a hunting rifle.”

He tipped his head back and roared in “I’m seriously reconsidering my ‘I don’t hit girls’ policy” frustration.

“Feel better now?” I asked.

“No!” Gabriel yelled as he turned into the Hollow’s mall area. Most of the city’s large-chain restaurants and businesses were clustered here, circling the wagons against cranky local merchants and customers who didn’t understand why any store would have a returns policy that required a receipt instead of just trusting the customer’s word. The neon signs seemed so bright it hurt to look directly at them, their aggressive reds and greens leaving little spots against my closed eyelids. We passed the full parking lot at Shenanigans, and I was struck by how different I was since the last time I’d driven down this road. The Jane who mourned a lost job and a half-lived life at that bar seemed happier, even in her misery, because she didn’t have to deal with angry sires and blood and a murder rap.

“How much trouble am I in?” I asked, finally breaking the quiet.

“I don’t know,” he admitted quietly. “I’ve never heard of one vampire killing another so soon after rising.”

“Do you honestly believe that I could do something like this? Why would I set fire to someone I hardly knew?”

“As opposed to someone you know well?” He snorted.

“I’ll take care of the sarcasm here, thank you,” I told him. “Honestly, do you believe I could do something like this?”