So we’re settled, and I get out of the van with Thom, who enlists Scot to help him transport Caroline from the Yugo to the van. But once I’m back inside the Yugo, I have no chance to explain to Nick the new order of this middle of the night.

Because through the windshield, I see that Randy at the wall is doing the soul-brother shake with a new arrival who happens to be the mind-fucking guy who turned me Sub Z last year. Apparently Uncle Lou’s actual nephew did not survive his year on the kibbutz in South Africa. The call of the real wild—Manhattan—must have been too great for him. And f**k, the Evil Ex has seen me and now he’s at my side at the passenger door of the Yugo and he’s saying, “Hey, baby, you ready to pick up where we left off?”

5. NICK

I never thought Jessie would betray me like this. I have done nothing but love her and treat her right. I’ve stood by her side and defended her when people called her trash and said they didn’t understand why I kept her. I thought that meant something. But no. Now when I need her most, she’s totally bailed. I turn the key and I turn the key and I turn the key and she doesn’t do a damn thing. How alone am I right now? Even my car has decided to give up on me.

I could be really mad at her. But mostly I’m afraid. That this is it—terminal. That we can volt her till the lights go out in Manhattan, and she’ll just sit here. Unblinking. I can’t afford to fix her again. If this is it, then this is really it.

I’m not really paying attention when Scot and Thom remove Caroline from my backseat. After all the time it took to get her in. But I can understand the impulse to abandon ship.

I’m about to help Scot connect the cables when this guy I’ve never seen before leans into Norah’s window and says, “Hey, baby, you ready to pick up where we left off?”

What. the. f**k?

Okay, maybe I hang with a queercore crowd and all, but still—I never, ever, in a million zillion years would have imagined that a guy could use the phrase “hey, baby” and mean it. He says it like he’s whistling at some girl’s boobs as she walks down the street. Who does that?

I expect Norah to put him right in his place. But instead she freezes. She looks away, as if she can ignore her way out of it. By some logic, this should mean that she’s now looking at me, since I’m 180 degrees away from our uninvited guest. But instead she focuses on the dashboard, on the place where the lighter should be. And I guess I’m a little surprised, because it was just starting to look like we were going to go someplace together. That this wasn’t just going to be a ride home. Now it’s becoming a ride nowhere, and I’m sad that it’s so out of my hands.

“Baby, I’m back,” the guy goes on. “How ’bout getting out of this heap and saying hello?”

Now, it’s one thing to try to harass Norah out of my passenger seat. But to bring Jessie into it is completely uncalled for.

“Can I help you?” I ask.

He keeps looking at Norah as he talks to me. “Yeah, buddy. I just got back to the States and I’ve been looking for this lady here. Can you spare her for a second?”

He reaches in the window, unlocks the door, and opens it.

“We’ll be right back,” he goes on. And I’m about to tell Norah she doesn’t have to do a thing. But right then she reaches over and pops off her seatbelt. I figure this is a decision on her part…until she fails to follow it up with another movement. She just stays in the car.

“Baby…,” he purrs as he reaches in for her, as if she’s a kid in a car seat. “I’ve missed you so much.”

I turn the key in the ignition. Still no start. Scot comes over to my window, looks inside the car, and says, “Problem here?”

Now it’s Scot that Norah looks at. And for some reason, this snaps her back.

“Tal,” she says with an edge usually reserved for cutlery, “you haven’t missed me for one f**king minute. You have never for one single second in your entire pathetic life missed me. You might have missed f**king with my head, and you might have missed the satisfaction you so clearly got from demolishing me, but those are your emotions you’re missing, not mine. I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

“C’mon, baby,” Tal says, leaning into her. She flinches back into the seat. I can sense Scot about to say something, but I beat him to it.

“Dude, nobody puts baby in a corner,” I say. “Get the f**k out of my car.”

Tal holds his hands up, steps out of the doorway.

“Just giving the lady a choice,” he says. “I didn’t realize she was already ruining another guy’s life. I hope you have better luck than I did.”

“Asshole,” Norah murmurs.

Tal laughs. “Piece of shit car: five dollars. Value of Norah’s opinion: three cents. Irony of her calling me an ass**le: priceless.”

“Go. Away,” Norah says.

“What? Are you afraid I’m going to tell the truth?” Tal looks at me now. “Don’t be fooled, partner. She talks a great game, but when you actually get to the field, you realize it’s f**king empty.”

From somewhere beyond the hood, Thom yells, “Gentleman, start your engine!”

I cannot find a way to pray to God or some higher being. But I damn well feel comfortable praying to Jessie, and right at this moment I give her my evangelical all.

Please start. I will buy premium gas for the next month if you please, please, please start.