FAERLY STUPID

I screamed for him to come back, then sat heavily on one of the couches. He was right. I was exhausted from not sleeping last night plus a very full day and rather stressful evening. And if I fell asleep, I couldn't hang on to the knife. And if I couldn't hang on to the knife...

It was a problem. I didn't know what he was trying to do to me, and I didn't want to find out.

Not surprisingly, there was no signal on my communicator. I didn't even know if I was technically on the planet anymore. The Faerie Realms coexist with ours, but cross time and space and all sorts of other boring and weird physics things that I never cared about before now. I added Faerie Realms and knife fighting on my list of things to pay more attention to.

I could call for him using his real name again, and he'd have to come. But that worked out so well before. The phrasing I used still killed me. I need you? The way I figured it, he took that as the command and would now fill what he thought my need for him was. If I called him back and negated my command before he took my voice again, there was no telling how he would interpret it. If you give a faerie conflicting commands, they can't fill them and therefore come up with something completely different (and always bad). I was so screwed.

Faeries are the slipperiest things in the world. IPCA (before it was IPCA and back when it was APCA and all sorts of individual country acronyms) worked for decades to find a faerie, any faerie, and learn his true name. Their plan involved using pretty young girls as kidnap bait. Dozens of pretty young girls, none of whom were ever seen again. Except one girl, who discovered a great secret.

Faeries are unaffected by alcohol, but much to her surprise--and the faeries' undoing--they get very, very drunk on carbonation. Using copious amounts of Coke, she was able to discover a single faerie's true name. With that she was able to force that faerie to do her will and reveal several other faeries' names--who were forced to reveal other faeries' names, as well. Thus followed the great Faerie Catalog and Control Operation of '95.

It sounds more impressive than it was. A whole bunch of workers on the project ended up dead or missing, and faeries guard their names closely even from one another, so IPCA only got a fraction of them. Here's what IPCA should have learned, still hasn't quite learned, and probably never will learn: you cannot control fairies. Can. Not. They aren't logical or rational. They don't obey the same laws (physical, social, emotional, traffic--you name it) that we do. They always have their own agendas and are just plain smarter than us. Plus, in finding and using their names, we were messing with paranormal magic deeper and more powerful than any of us understood.

I say us. I mean arrogant IPCA.

I pondered all this as I sat on Reth's couch, trapped in the Faerie Realms and wondering how long I could hold out before I had to sleep, eat, or drink. Or pee for that matter, because I wasn't seeing a toilet. Stupid immortals. Was faerie magic really worth all the mess and risk we incurred by working with them?

There had to be another option. I couldn't--wouldn't--call Reth back. I knew he would never let me out, and there was no way to escape other than the Faerie Paths.

Another faerie! It was perfect. The faerie names I had been assigned were to be used only in dire straits. These were dire enough for me. I opened my mouth and stopped.

I still couldn't remember. The names were so strange, and I had been so scared I'd blocked it out. Lying back on the couch, I stared at the ceiling; it shimmered with crystals. I watched it and racked my brains for the ruby-​haired faerie's name.

The crystals reflected an unidentifiable source of light. It seemed like there was some sort of meaning, a pattern. And now I was detecting faint colors, too. They were telling me something. If only I stared long enough, hard enough, didn't think about anything else...and if I closed my eyes and didn't think, it would be even better and it would all work out....

“No!” I sat up, blinking to keep my eyes open. No more ceiling.

What was her name? I knew that I knew it. And then I remembered--she was the faerie Lend had hitched a ride with. Fehl! Fehl was her nickname. And her full name was...

“Denfehlath!” I shouted, triumphant. After a few seconds the outline of a door formed on the wall and she walked through, still looking bored.

“Oh.” She frowned.

I jumped up, giddy with relief, but stopped myself before I said anything stupid. This time I would be careful. Specific. “Please take me back to the IPCA Center where I live.”

She held out her hand and I took it.

“Stop!” Reth commanded from behind us. I didn't let go of Fehl's hand as I turned to look at him. “She's mine.”

Fehl gave him a sharp smile. “It's a named command. I have no choice.”

Reth's golden eyes brimmed with rage. That's another thing about faeries. Nasty tempers. I had seen him lose control once before--it was what finally shocked me into giving him up.

“Let's go, now.” I pulled on her hand. The ambient light in the room had shifted; now everything seemed to glow with a red, menacing hue.

We darted through the door and into the Faerie Paths. More frightened of what was behind me than around me, I kept my eyes open for once. Fehl squeezed my hand so hard it hurt; the look on her face was pure fury, tinged with a hint of smugness. I wondered if there was something going on. Those two had a weird dynamic. Whatever. I didn't care as long as I got home.

But then I had a brilliant idea. “Can you open a door to Lend's room?”

She gave me a glare so cutting I was surprised I didn't bleed. A few more steps and the white lines opened in front of us. She shoved me out and disappeared into the black.

The room was the same boring color scheme as the rest of the Center. A door to a small bathroom was open; other than that the room was a simple square with a gray bed against the wall. Lend, wearing me of all things, was sitting on it. He glanced over, surprise flitting across his/my features. Then he looked away, and I realized Raquel was talking.

I backed up against the wall. She must have been standing in the hallway, because I couldn't see her and was pretty sure from the lack of reaction that she hadn't seen me. Not busted. Yet. And now I knew where Lend was. Sometimes faeries came in handy, after all.

“...would all be much easier if you'd just give us some simple information. I'll let you think about it.” Raquel finished and I heard her pumps tapping away down the hall.

Lend-​as-​me looked over and raised one eyebrow quizzically.

“Hey, no fair!” I whispered. I'd never been able to raise just one eyebrow at a time. And not for lack of trying, either. He looked confused, so I gestured to my own eyebrows and shook my head. He grinned in response and I melted away, replaced by the dark-​haired dark-​eyed hottie.

“What are you doing here?”

I shrugged, sliding down the wall and sitting against it. “Just thought I'd drop by for a visit.”

“Really.”

“Yeah. I was bored.”

“Me, too.” There was a long, awkward silence. “Are you planning on staying for a while?”

“Not sure. I think I'm missing.”

“Raquel did seem very on edge.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I should probably let her know I'm not dead.” I didn't get up.

“You look tired.” He briefly shifted back to wearing me, showing me my heavy eyelids and the dark circles under my eyes.

“Gee, thanks. I love hearing that. Why not just tell me I look like crap?”

He laughed and switched back to the cute guy. “I still can't get your eyes.”

“I'm an original,” I said cheerfully.

“More than you know, I think.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

He shrugged. “Just that I've never met a human I couldn't replicate exactly.”

I stood, scowling. “Look, Water Boy, the only paranormal in this room is you.”

“If you say so.”

I was too tired for Lend's nonsense. The doorway was wider than a normal door and totally open. “What's the security on this room?”

He lifted the foot with the ankle tracker. “If I cross the threshold of the room, an alarm goes off and my ankle thing goes zap.”

No problems for me then. “Excellent. I'll see you later.” I walked out without another word.

I didn't spend much time in the security sections of the Center. By the time paranormals got here, my work was done. Guessing, I turned left and followed the hall to a familiar area. I was pretty close to Central Processing, so I went in and found Raquel talking frantically with Lish. “That's not acceptable! The werewolves have to be able to find something!”

Lish looked up, saw me over Raquel's shoulder, and promptly burst into tears. At least, I think that's what she was doing. I'd never seen her cry, and there weren't tears since she was already in water, but the facial contortions and shoulder movements were enough to clue me in.

Raquel turned around and yelped, then threw her arms around me. “They didn't eat you!”

“No, they didn't eat me.” I had to laugh at the odd symmetry, pushing back my own tears of relief. I was so glad to be back here, with Raquel and Lish. For a while there I'd honestly thought I might not ever see them again.

Regaining her composure, Raquel pushed me out to arm's length, holding onto my shoulders. “What on earth happened? Where have you been? And why did you kill all those vampires?”

“I--Wait, what? Kill the vamps?”

She nodded, looking severe. Killing paranormals is not okay for employees of IPCA. All paranormals are classified as endangered; that's why even the icky ones just get neutered instead of, well, dead.

“I didn't kill them! They were one bite away from killing me! I tased a few and slashed around with my silver knife, but I'm sure I didn't pierce any hearts.”

“How did you get away?”

I looked down at the ground. “I called for Reth.”

She let out a this is going to be an even bigger mess than I thought sigh. “Then who left twenty-​five vampires dead?”

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