Author: Cassia Leo

I didn’t think it was possible to feel guiltier about my decision to give up Abigail. But as I watch him shuffle away on his crutches, I realize that he is much stronger than I gave him credit for.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Adam

BY THE TIME I REACH the water, I can’t feel my hands. I’m not sure if I’m more stunned or angry. I trudge through the water, forcing myself not to look back in Lindsay’s direction, then I do the math in my head. Lindsay and I broke up in the end of March. It’s now the end of September. Six months. There’s no way she’s less than six months pregnant. Fuck! How long was she cheating on me?

I duck dive under a ten-footer then resurface next to Carlos Ferreira. I nod at him and keep paddling until I’m past the breaks. The sun warms my skin between each breeze and I breathe in the salty fragrance of the Pacific Ocean. As much as I love the Atlantic, the Pacific Ocean just seems to have an electric quality, a life that the Atlantic doesn’t have. If I could live on the Pacific I would. I’d pack up all my things, buy a boat, drop anchor, and never look back.

My gaze keeps darting across the shoreline to where Lindsay dips her toes in the water. She used to bitch at me all the time after I quit competing. She actually called me a quitter once. I should have dumped her then, but we’d been together for a year and a half and I had the stupid idea that we should try to work things out since we’d already invested so much time in the relationship. It was just a few weeks later that I caught her cheating on me with Nathan Jennings—number 86 in the world ASP rankings.

I’m not even ranked anymore. It was depressing watching my rank drop from 47 down to nothing. I should never have let my dad deposit my winnings into my trust fund. I never thought he’d put the stipulation on the account that I’m not allowed to touch a single penny of it until my thirtieth birthday. I’m pretty certain he also put a stipulation in there saying I’ll gain access to the funds if I have a child. I guess he assumed that I’d be less inclined to confess my sins to Myles’ family when I’m thirty or when I have a child of my own to consider. At least, come Tuesday, I’ll only have eight more years to wait. Unless Lindsay has a secret she’s been keeping from me. Then, by the looks of it, I may gain access to my trust fund in about eight days.

A jet ski whizzes past me with someone in tow. Whoever it is lets go and I’m hit with a small wave from the jet ski’s wake. I wipe the water from my face to see who had to get towed out here—the water’s not that rough—then I see Nathan’s shoulder-length brown hair and the cross tattoo on his right bicep.

I’m tempted to look away so I don’t see the scar on his face, but I don’t. It takes him a moment before he notices me.

I throw him a cool nod. “Good swell today.” And I hope you get bombed out there.

He smiles and I see that fucking gold tooth he got to replace the one I knocked out. “Perfect conditions for schoolin’ some seniors.”

Nathan’s only a year younger than I. I don’t know who he’s calling a senior, but I’m not playing into that bullshit. I feel the frustration building in my arms. I’ve suppressed that sensation for six months, only slipping up that one time a few weeks ago. I’ve controlled my temper since March by moving away from everyone I know, smoking a fuck-ton of weed, and keeping myself busy with work and Claire. Weed and Claire were my addictions for the past six months and now I’ve given them both up. I’m fucked.

“Don’t let that grille weigh you down,” I shout over my shoulder as I paddle away to get a better view of the swell.

I count the seconds between the first few breaks then close my eyes to listen. The crashing of the waves forms a rhythm that corresponds with the motion of the water under my board. The sun warms my shoulders as the ocean sways beneath me until I’m totally relaxed. The siren blasts to signal the beginning of the heat and my nerves fire up again.

I open my eyes and Carlos Ferreira is riding inside the barrel, racing to stay ahead of the spit coming off the wave. The barrel closes in on him, or so it appears. He emerges two seconds later wobbling as he fights to stay on his board. Even all the way out here you can hear the cheering from the crowd.

I paddle out to the line-up and wait to see if Jordan Muzo is going to take this next wave. He hesitates and, since I’m on the inside of the wave and have the right of way, I take it. I push the nose of the board down into the water and stand up as the wave curls up behind me. I flip a hard left then right to get some momentum as the tube forms. I kick faster so I can stay ahead of the curl because I need more than just a clean ride if I want to place today.

I get ahead of the wave and ride it up to the crest then flip my board into a 180. The sensation from that half-second I’m in the air is pure exhilaration and terror. Then everything fades and suddenly all I see is the terror in Myles’ eyes as he teeters on the edge of the cliff. The moment when he realized he was falling too fast.

My board comes down on the crest of the wave facing backwards and I try to right myself before the wave closes in on me. Then I bail.

The rest of the heat doesn’t go much better as I attempt to drown my thoughts of Myles and Lindsay. I try to think of Claire as motivation, how I’d love to bring back a trophy to her, but I keep getting confused by my desire to be with her. If I do well, I’ll be seeing a lot less of her when I go on tour.

I place ninth overall; enough to move on to the ASP qualifier in Australia. While everyone hangs out around the judge’s tent during the award ceremony, I set off to find Lindsay. Nathan placed thirteenth, so they probably took off before the ceremony began. I set off toward the park area and spot them behind a sponsor tent where Nathan is changing in the shade of the tent. I set off toward them, but a photographer cuts me off.

“Parker. We need you at the Hurley table for photos.”

I make it back to the hotel at 8:30, having refused four different offers to hang out and celebrate. It doesn’t even occur to me that the contest coordinator may have booked a block of rooms for us on the same floor until I get to the 10th floor and find Nathan at the ice machine with a bucket under the dispenser. This is my chance to make things right or make things worse.

“Hey.”

Nathan whips his head around, his eyes wide as the ice tumbles out of his bucket, half of it spilling onto the floor. “What the fuck?”

Nathan was always a nervous little shit. He used to smoke speed a few years ago. He thought it gave him superpowers in the water. He ended up finally making it to the ASP tour a few months after he quit, though he placed near the bottom. I try not to rub in my former ASP ranking because it’s just that, a former ranking. It’s the surfer I used to be. It’s not the surfer I am now, though I’m sure I have it in me to get back up there. I’m just not sure I have the desire to get there.

In some ways, Claire makes me a better man. In other ways, she makes me want to give up everything just to be with her. I’m not sure if these two aspects of our relationship cancel each other out. All I know is that my love for Claire is quickly gaining on my love for surfing.

“You have something you want to tell me?” I say as he places the bucket back under the dispenser to get more ice.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“Save the posing for the cameras. I’m talking about Lindsay.”

He stands upright once his bucket is overflowing with ice and looks me in the eye. “She didn’t do anything wrong. She’s just waiting for the baby to be born. Then she’s going to get the test and if it’s yours she was going to call you. She ain’t trying to keep it from you.” I open my mouth to respond, but he cuts me off. “She said you guys used condoms all the time so it can’t be yours.”

I want to clock him in his gold mouth. “Fuck yes, I used condoms with her. I always knew she would do some shit like this.”

He looks at me with what might be a trace of sympathy in his eyes. “She knows where to find you and you know where to find her. We don’t need to make a big fucking deal out of this. She’s due in two weeks and then this will all be settled.”

I can’t help but think of Claire and how she kept the pregnancy from Chris then gave the baby up. “And if it’s mine? She’ll call me?”

“Dude, what the fuck kind of question is that? Of course, she’ll call you.”

He looks at me warily as if he’s not sure if I’m going to hit him or walk away. I run my fingers through my hair and grit my teeth against all the volatile impulses I’m suppressing.

“Three weeks?” I mutter, mostly to myself. I look him in the eye and he looks about ready to cover his face to block the blows. “I guess I won’t see you in Gold Coast since you placed 13th. Good luck in Fiji.”

He looks confused by this calm response, but I don’t bother sticking around to explain. I’ve got the most beautiful girl in the world waiting for me at home. I don’t need to get into any more shit with Nathan and Lindsay. If the baby turns out to be mine, I’ll deal with it because I’m not a quitter contrary to what Lindsay and Nathan might think.

I make it to my room without further run-ins. After a long, hot shower, I lie down in bed and stare at my phone. I haven’t spoken or texted Claire in three weeks, but I need to hear her voice right now. I want to call her and tell her how much I miss her, but I don’t want to call just to find out she’s already moved on with Chris. Maybe I’ll wait until I fly back to Kauai tomorrow. If I still feel the need to hear her voice tomorrow, I’ll call her.

Who the fuck am I kidding? Of course, I’ll still want to hear her voice tomorrow.

I heave a deep sigh as Myles comes to mind. If he were here he would probably tell me to stop being such a pussy and call her already. The only time you’ll discover you’ve waited too long is when it’s already too late.

I open up a new text message to Claire and begin typing.

Me: I came in 9th today. It reminded me of your birthday. I left something for you in my apartment.

I lay the phone on my bare stomach and close my eyes as I await her response. A few minutes later, the vibration startles me awake.

Claire: You broke my heart.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chris

MY MOM COMES HOME FROM the bakery early on Saturday with a lemon cake—Claire’s favorite. She makes room for it in the fridge then insists on bringing me breakfast in bed. She sets a tray next to me on my bed with some scrambled eggs and protein pancakes my trainer gave her the recipe for.

“Hurry up and eat so you can get ready for Claire. You don’t want her to smell you like that.”

“Seriously, Mom. Don’t start with this. I already told you Claire has a boyfriend.”

“So she says. I’ve never seen her with him. I’m practically her mother. If she’s so serious about him, she should bring him here to meet me.”

“You’d better not tell her to bring him here unless you want me to end up in jail.”

She purses her lips as she fluffs a pillow to put under my leg. “You will not do a thing if she brings him here. Claire is allowed to move on, though I really don’t see how she can just throw you and your child away like that.”

“She didn’t throw our child away.” I snatch the pillow from her hands before she can attempt to place it under my leg, and she throws me a surprised look. “If you say anything like that to her today, I swear to God I’m getting a hotel room tonight.”

“You’re not getting a hotel room.”

I shake my head at her and she rolls her eyes as she leaves the room. I can already feel I’m going to regret asking Claire to come today.

I eat my breakfast then shower and get ready. As I look in the mirror at the tattoo on my chest, I imagine taking Claire aside to show it to her. She traces the letters and I shiver at the sensation of her fingertip on my skin; something I’ve been craving so badly for the past year has turned into an obsession since I saw her again two months ago. I press my lips to her fingertips then lay a soft trail of kisses all the way up her arm until I reach her shoulder. Her perfect shoulders. Then I taste the skin on her neck and she moans softly. That’s when I take her face in mine and kiss her the way only I can kiss her.