Author: Cassia Leo

She’s sobbing harder now and I let out a deep sigh as I prepare myself for what will probably be the most painful three minutes of my life.

“This is the song I wrote for you and Abby.” I place the call on speakerphone, lay the phone on the concrete step next to me, and try to ignore the soft sounds of sobs in the background as I play the first notes.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Claire

MY CHEST AND HEAD ACHE from the uncontrollable sobbing. I should go to Cora’s to get my stuff so I can drive back to the dorm, but I want to wait for Adam. I also can’t bear the thought of being alone in the dorm right now. I feel as if it’s not just my heart that is breaking in half. My life is being split down the middle and everything that happened yesterday was the before. Tomorrow will be the after. Today, I’m stuck in the hell of knowing there is no turning back.

I sit on a barstool and try to calm myself. The instant I hear the sound of the guitar, I can breathe again.

“This ain’t our last goodbye,

it’s our last hello.

I can feel it in my shattered heart;

all through my weary bones.

You’re the missing piece, the final scrap.

Someday we’ll fit together;

someday I’ll bring you back.”

The melody is light and hopeful, but there’s a blue quality in his voice that makes my stomach twist.

“These pieces of you are promises,

whispering endless possibilities.

My pieces of you are haunted,

just echoes of shattered memories.”

He sings the chorus one more time before he starts the second verse. I know from the first line that this verse is about Abigail.

“I held your hand in mine,

Now the moment’s gone

Felt the love in your tiny heart,

Never brought you home

You’re my missing piece, a lovely dream,

Someday, I’ll find you baby,

Someday, on me you’ll lean.”

He concludes with a soft, diminishing melody that gives me chills and, amazingly, the tears have stopped.

“Chris?”

“Claire.”

“I need a little time to think. I’ll call you before I go to sleep. I promise.”

“I love you more than this,” he says and I know he means that he loves me enough to forgive me.

“I don’t deserve you, but I love you.”

“Don’t say that. We’ve both hurt each other, babe, but we always get through it.”

I don’t want to tell him that I don’t think this is the kind of hurt we will survive. We say our goodbyes and I’m reminded of the first line of the song he just sang: This ain’t our last goodbye, it’s our last hello.

I don’t want to be without Chris. It’s so selfish of me to put him through this when all he’s done is forgive me and take care of me. He handed over his heart even though I’ve proven to be completely unworthy of it.

I have to call Senia, but she’s probably in full party-mode right now. I don’t want to ruin her night. There’s only one other person I can call.

Jackie picks up on the first ring. “Talk to me, hun.”

I launch into a long explanation of everything she’s missed out on since Chris and I broke up last year. I want her to know everything, from the day we broke up to the conversation Chris and I just had. I want her to know the whole truth and the real me.

My biological mother wasn’t strong enough to live for me. I can only hope Jackie’s love for me is strong enough for her to forgive me.

When I’m done, there’s a silence that I find both worrying and comforting. At least she’s not screaming curses at me, but maybe that’s because she’s so appalled she can’t form a sentence.

“Jackie?”

“Oh, honey. I wish I could tell you what to do. You know it kills me to know that you and Chris are hurting, but this is the kind of test that you two either face together or you move on. I don’t have to tell you how much I love you both and how much I want you around. Claire, you’re my girl. I will always want whatever keeps you close to me. But more than that, I just want both of you to be happy. What would make you happy?”

This is a generous response from someone who has already been so generous with me. I’ve made one mistake after another trying to make Chris happy. I thought Chris would be happy not to have to worry about a baby just as his career was taking off. I never thought I could be making the biggest mistake of my life.

“I want to know what would make you happy,” I say. “I think that what would make you happy is what would make me happy.”

She’s sniffs loudly and I know she’s crying now. When was the last time someone other than Chris cared about Jackie’s happiness?

“Claire, it would make me very happy for you to do well in school and not worry so much about this stuff for a while, but you need to do what your heart tells you to do. Don’t listen to an old spinster like me.”

“Jackie, you’re not an old spinster.” I swallow the lump in my throat as I prepare to say the words I’ve wanted to say for fourteen years. “You’re my mom.”

She lets out a soft oh and I give her a minute to collect herself before I say goodbye. I look at the time on my phone before I tuck it into my back pocket and spin around on the barstool. Adam has been gone for over an hour. I’m worried, but also glad that he told me to stay instead of kicking me out. This is a sign that he might be willing to talk this out when he returns. I just wish I knew if that’s what I want.

I slide off the barstool and walk slowly toward the drafting table in the corner of the living room. I slip a set of plans from the bottom of the three-inch stack on the table and lay them on top of the stack.

From my many conversations with Adam, I learned that Myles had two sisters, one older and one younger. His mother was a single parent after Myles’ father left them for a woman twelve years his junior. His father was good at hiding his assets and hardly sent them any child support. His mother moved them into a tiny apartment near Carolina Beach so Myles could continue to surf. He won $800 in that first competition and Myles was so excited when he called his mom to tell her about it. Then hours later all their hope was lost.

If anyone understands the guilt I’ve lived with this past year, it’s Adam. He’s my lifeline and I’m pretty certain that I’m his. But we both gave up on each other. He broke up with me then I ran into Chris’s arms instead of fighting for us. I should have driven the hundred miles to see what kind of surprise Adam left for me in his apartment. But I was afraid I would find something like the locket, something that would be too painful to accept.

I run my fingers over the cool paper of the blueprint and trace the pitched line of the roof. This is the home that Adam wants to build for Myles’ family. He has it all planned out, from the concrete foundation to the flowers in the garden. He may never be able to build it now that he quit his job. Adam’s father will probably empty out his trust fund just as Adam suspected he would. And he did it for me.

I trace my finger over the front door as I think of the first time Adam knocked on my door, the same night he almost ran me over. He brought me the purse I had left in his truck then asked if he could come inside. As much as Adam loves to plan his life, he’s never afraid to take a risk.

I have to find whatever he left for me in his apartment while he was in Hawaii then I’ll leave.

I skim through every page of the blueprints on his desk, thinking maybe he left a message for me hidden in the pages, but I find nothing. I move to the coffee table behind me and my heart drops when I see the tiny black dish no bigger than the palm of my hand with the glossy coconut-scented oil. As nice as Adam’s apartment is, it always smelled a little briny because he likes to air-dry his wetsuit by hanging it over the shower curtain rod. I got him the scented oil so his apartment would smell nice whenever I visited. I thought he would surely get rid of it as soon as I left to UNC.

I dig through the sofa cushions and come up with nothing but a half-eaten Red Vine. He must have interrupted me mid-chew. I heave a deep sigh as I remember the sheer happiness I felt when we were together in this apartment.

After searching the bedroom and the bathroom, I move on to the kitchen. The only cupboard I haven’t looked in is the cupboard above the refrigerator. I grab a chair from the tiny dining table he never uses and stand on top of it to reach the cupboard. As soon as I open the cupboard door, I know I’ve found it.

The cupboard is empty except for a single box of macaroni and cheese.

I grab the box and sit down in the chair, closing my eyes as I remember our first date.

“I have something I need to tell you,” I say as I climb onto the stool. “I meditate.”

“Cool. So do I.”

“You do?”

He dumps the dry pasta into the pot before he answers. “Well, sort of. Whenever I’m stressed or if I can’t make it to the beach to surf, I’ll chill out and do nothing for an hour or so, to clear my head.”

“You’re not supposed to put the pasta in until the water’s boiling.”

“Fuck the rules. How often do you meditate?”

I take a deep breath as I prepare to reveal my secret to this almost-stranger. “A lot. Like, a few times a day.”

“A few times a day? Do the customers at the café stress you out that much?”

This conversation is not going in a safe direction, might as well push it all the way over the edge.

“Meditation is the way I cope… with the memories.”

He looks up from the steaming pot of water to look at me. “Go on.”

“I’m not going to spill my guts to you,” I insist.

But I did spill my guts to him and he never judged me. In fact, I think my secrets made him love me more.

I slide my finger under the flap on the top of the macaroni box and discover that it’s held in place by a small piece of double-sided tape that gives easily. I lift the second flap and see a folded piece of paper. I pull it out and it’s not his handwriting. He must have had someone else write the note for him while he was in Hawaii.

If you’re reading this it means you came looking for me. First of all, thank you. I look for you everywhere, and every day I find you in the smell of the ocean, the bright ray of light that sparks on the horizon a moment before sunrise, and the laughter of strangers. Memories I can’t seem to grasp onto long enough. I’m coming back for you, but until then I wanted to give you something to show you that you still have my whole heart.

I look inside the box and see another folded piece of paper. When I pull it out, I realize it’s a folded envelope and it’s holding something much too heavy to be another note.

Chapter Forty

Claire

THE SOUND OF THE DOOR opening startles me and I drop the envelope back into the box. I look over my shoulder and Adam is looking straight at me. I stand from the chair as he walks into the kitchen. He glances at the box in my hand then looks me in the eye.

“Did you open it?”

“I opened the box.”

“And the envelope?”

“Not yet.”

He reaches for the box and I’m too stunned to stop him as he takes it from my hand and places it on the counter. “You don’t have to open it.”

“You don’t want me to open it?”

He sees the note he had someone write for him clutched in my hand and he looks conflicted. “I was so sure you’d come here. Now I’m not sure of anything.”

He stares at the box of macaroni on the counter for a moment before he picks it up. He pulls the envelope out of the box and looks me in the eye.

“What I do know is that I’ve never met anyone like you. My mom told me what she said to you the day we visited my uncle’s ranch.”

I think back to that day and remember how Adam’s mother asked me to keep my heart open when Adam opened his heart to me. What she meant was, “Please don’t judge him when he tells you what happened to Myles.” Once Adam confessed his secret to me, I got the feeling that other girls may not have been as understanding as I was. But how could I not be.