Author: Lisa De Jong

“You sound tired, have you been staying out late?”

“No, it’s just been a long couple of days,” I said, trying to hold in all emotion.

“Alexandra, have you thought about what we discussed Sunday?” she asked. Her voice was cold, yet amused.

I took a deep breath as I tried to hold myself together, “I did it. Dane and I are no longer together.” A chill ran through my body when the words came out of my mouth.

“Good girl. Are you coming home for spring break? Your father and I are heading to Vail one more time before the season is over.” I flinched. My heart was broken. I wished just this once she would comfort me or ask how I was doing. My parents had made me choose and had caused this mess. Couldn’t she help me just this once? When I left Greenwich to come to NYU, I thought I would have a new beginning. I was naïve to think my parents would loosen their reigns simply because I was no longer under their roof. Since my sister was now married, I was the last one left to control.

“I don’t think so. Look, I have to study; I’ll talk to you later.” I didn’t wait for her reply as I set my phone down. I did what she wanted, but she didn’t care about my feelings. I didn’t know why I expected a different outcome. There was never one. I was starving for their attention right now. I certainly got it when I was doing something they didn’t like. But, now that I did what they wanted, life would go back to normal. I would be invisible until they needed me or I did something else wrong through their eyes. I hated that they did this to me. I hated that they did this to Dane.

Wednesday hit me hard. I had to rejoin society at some point, but it felt too soon. I was long overdue for a shower so I conquered that first. I threw on a pair of black yoga pants, a long-sleeve grey t-shirt and my black flats before putting my hair into a loose knot at the top of my head.

My stomach felt hollow so I headed to the campus coffee shop to grab a blueberry bagel and a large latte. I picked a chair by the window and tore off small pieces of bagel as I watched groups of students walk by. Life continued around me while I felt frozen in place. I had everything I wanted one minute and the next it was all ripped away. It was unfair. Do you ever look at people’s faces when they walk by and wonder what they’re thinking? I watched as one girl walked by, talking on her cell phone. It didn’t take much to realize that the person on the other end made her happy because her eyes sparkled as the corners of her mouth turned up. She didn’t look like she had a care in the world. I wanted to be like her and go about my life without having to worry about anyone’s desires but my own. That wasn’t my reality though.

I pulled out my Anatomy book, taking my attention away from the window, and began to study. I had a few minutes before I needed to head to class and the last thing I wanted or needed to do was to think about all the things that couldn’t be. I had cried so many tears and ran through so many different ways to make things better, but all I was left with was overwhelming exhaustion.

I was packing up my things when my phone beeped. I looked down to see a message from Jade:

Jade: U OK?

Alex: Y, off to class.

Jade: U going to class???

Alex: Y, test

Jade: Good girl! TTYL

Alex: K

As much as Jade got on my nerves, she was a great friend and I was lucky to have her as my roommate. She brought a pizza home last night and made me eat; I had barely touched food all week. She didn’t bring up Dane again and I was thankful for that. Therapists tell you to talk through your issues, but I couldn’t; the mention of his name made my stomach clench and made pain shoot through me. I missed him so much that I not only emotionally felt pain, but physically too. It was almost unbearable.

During my walk across campus, I realized I needed to talk to Mr. Thomas and see if I could move to one of the empty seats that were vacated by students who dropped the class. There was no way I could talk to Dane or be that close to him without touching him. If I had to sit next to him for the rest of the semester, it would be a reminder of everything I left behind.

Mr. Thomas was at the front of the room writing today’s assignment on the board when I entered the classroom. I cleared my throat to get his attention. “Mr. Thomas, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure, Alex, what can I do for you?” He kept writing while I decided how to say what I needed to say. My mind wasn’t as sharp as usual and everything seemed more complicated these days.

“I need to switch seats,” I finally whispered.

He quit writing and turned toward me. “Why? Is everything alright?”

“Yes. I mean, it is, but I need to sit somewhere else for the rest of the semester. Mr. Wright and I aren’t exactly getting along right now and I need to focus on this class when I’m here.” I was nervous that he wouldn’t let me move as I started rubbing my hands together.

“I thought you guys were friends.” I knew our relationship was pretty obvious, but I didn’t think we were that obvious. Not that it mattered now.

“Please, Mr. Thomas,” I said, pleading with my eyes. It never worked on my parents, but maybe it would work on him. He seemed like a rational man.

“Okay, go sit next to Brent in row two and Miss Riley, I hope you know what you’re doing,” he said, turning back toward the board. He was probably one of those hopeless romantics who thought I was being all sorts of stupid right now; I was, but I didn’t need him to look at me like that.

Brent didn’t talk while we worked on our latest projects, which was fine with me, but I also noticed that Dane didn’t show up for class. He never missed this class. A little pang of guilt shot through me as I wondered what he was doing right now. For a second I considered texting him to ask if he was all right, but then I realized that it was not my place to ask that anymore. The thought of anyone else touching or comforting him was like a dagger to my already bleeding heart.

I considered skipping Anatomy, but that would just give me more time to think and, if Sunday was an example of anything, it was an example of what happened when I spent a bit too much time thinking.

Jade wasn’t in our room when I returned so I decided to get caught up on some reading. I had read only one page of my Anatomy text before my thoughts started shifting to Dane again. I could see the sincerity and honesty in his smile, smell his clean, but woodsy scent and feel his calloused, yet gentle fingers on my body. For the last few months, I could call, text or see him whenever I wanted. But now that privilege was not mine anymore and a part of me selfishly hoped it would never be anyone else’s.

My cell phone rang, making my heart rate speed up. It slowed dramatically when I noticed the caller was my mother. I considered letting it go to voicemail, but she would just keep calling until I talked to her.

“Hello,” I said hesitantly.

“Alexandra, what are you doing tomorrow? I was thinking about coming into the city to do some shopping.”

“I don’t feel like shopping. Maybe some other time.” I didn’t like to shop half as much as my mother on a normal day and right now it was the last thing I wanted to do. I didn’t care what I looked like so why would I want nice things?

“Alexandra, I’m worried about you and the destructive path you’ve mapped out for yourself.” She let out an exasperated sigh. All I had said was that I didn’t want to go shopping and all of a sudden I was prone to make bad choices. I just wanted to go outside and scream until I didn’t have a voice anymore. My mother was so frustrating.

“Mom, I’m not going down the wrong path. I think the only bad decision I’ve made lately was dumping Dane.” I was seething mad. Why did she have to keep bringing this up?

“Well, it’s for the best; you’ll see that someday. You need a man with a future ahead of him and quite frankly, that boy wasn’t going anywhere.” Her words made me even angrier. Dane was going somewhere. He may not be heading to Medical or Law School, but he was talented at what he did and I knew some day he would have a very successful career. Success didn’t mean he’d be rich or famous; it meant contentment and respect.

I remained quiet as she continued. “Did you meet Trevor Williams on Friday night at rehearsal? You know, Dr. Williams’ son? He’s a senior at the University of Massachusetts and has been accepted into Harvard Medical School in the fall. He’s single and such a handsome young man.” I knew exactly whom she was talking about and handsome would be the worst word to describe him. He was tall, but incredibly skinny and his hairline has already begun to recede at the age of twenty-two. Why did she feel the need to play matchmaker? She didn’t care if I was okay. It was more important that I kept up appearances. I was growing more and more angry because I did this to please her. All I wanted was for her to support me emotionally and she was unable to do that, yet again. Really, I would not make them happy until I had been married off to my fake husband who would have my fake love. Just once I wanted someone to care about what I wanted; I realized I’d had that someone and I’d lost him.

“Mom, I have to go. I’m late for study group.” I hung up the phone without waiting for her goodbye and hurled my Anatomy textbook across the room, knocking over the lamp by my bed as the weight of what I had done engulfed me. I flinched as the lamp shattered, but didn’t move to clean it up. I stared down at all the little pieces on the floor and imagined that they were a part of me. My heart was essentially lying on the floor.

I pulled on a pair of yoga pants and fleece before lacing up my tennis shoes and grabbing my iPod. I used to run all the time in high school as a way to escape my house when my parents became unbearable. College may have put some geographical space between us, but their voices were always in my head ringing over and over like a car alarm. I needed the fresh air and exercise to sort through my thoughts and put some space between my heart and my head.

Every time my feet hit the pavement, I felt a little bit of the tension leave my body. I thought about my childhood and wondered if my parents had ever been proud of me. I thought about my sister and wondered why I couldn’t be more like her. Why couldn’t I just do what my parents wanted and be happy with it? I thought about Dane and the way he made my heart flutter in a way that I didn’t even know was possible. And I thought about my future and what my life was going to be like without him.