“Then you’re going to have to be quiet.” I laugh. Because the odds of her being quiet during all the things I plan to do to her is ludicrous.

She buries her head into my shoulder and I can feel her breath against my neck. She kisses me softly, suckling my skin. “Give me a hicky,” I urge. I’m kidding, but then I feel the scrape of her teeth against the tender skin and I really, really want her to keep doing what she’s doing. She bites down gently, and then sucks the pain away. “Jesus,” I moan. I bite back a groan. I slam the bedroom door behind us and fall onto the bed with her, holding myself above her. My f**king arms are shaking and for the first time in my life, I don’t know what to do next.

So I can collect myself, I take a moment to stop and I unwrap the plastic and tape from her arm. I start to peel the bandage back, but she catches me and slaps my hands away. I freeze, burying my face in her neck. I can barely breathe.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, taking my face in her hands.

“I feel like a fourteen year old fumbling with his first girl,” I admit. “I don’t know what to do next.”

I lift up and open her towel, and unhook mine, shoving it from between us. “You’ve done this so many times,” she reminds me, rolling her eyes.

I still. “I have never done this before.”

Her eyes narrow.

“I’ve never done this with someone who matters. With someone I’m in love with. Jesus, girl, you make me crazy.”

“Can we turn the light off?” she asks. Then it dawns on her that I can’t see her lips if we don’t keep the light on. “Never mind,” she says.

“Will the light bother you?” I ask. I work my way down her body, kissing her all over, just because I can.

Her naked thighs wrap around my hips, and the slickness of her makes this so real. “Shit,” I say.

“What?” She freezes.

“I forgot to get a condom.”

She counts on her fingers and shakes her head. “It’s all right. We don’t need one.” She stops and bites her lip. “Unless, um, you need one.”

I got tested just a few weeks ago when we all had bone marrow testing for Matt. I’m clean. “I’ve never done this without one.” I’m afraid. More afraid than I’ve ever been.

I don’t know what to do next, I want her so bad. My breath falters, and my arms quiver under my weight.

We have a lifetime to perfect this. But I don’t know how it could get any better.

I take it slow. I want to remember this moment forever and ever. I can’t hold in a groan as I bury my face in her neck and slide inside her.

I look up at her face and there are tears in her eyes. “Have I hurt you?” I ask. I bracket her face with my hands and swipe her tears away with the pads of my thumbs. She shakes her head.

Her skin slides against mine, her breath blowing across my ear. “Emily, Emily, Emily,” I chant.

She’s saying my name over and over and over. I can see it on her lips. I move inside her until she falls apart with me.

Her arms wrap around me when I collapse on top of her and she squeezes me, but then her arms fall away. She says something. I can feel it. I lift myself up. “What?” I ask. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Fear clutches at my gut with eager talons.

“If that’s hurting me, I want you to do it over and over and over, all night long.” She chuckles, her body shaking with laughter.

I roll to my side, but I don’t want to be far from her, so I turn her to face me. I brush her hair back from her face with both hands. “I love you,” I say.

She smiles at me, hiding her face abashedly in the pillow. “I love you too,” she says. “No matter what happens, please know that what I feel for you is real. That I don’t know how I could live without you.”

I lean back, appraising her closely. Why would she say such a thing? But she reaches for me and pushes me onto my back.

Her body moves against mine, taking me to places I have never, ever been.

When we’re done, I roll to the side and pull her to lie on my chest. I place my lips against her forehead and hold them there.

She sits up with her elbows on my chest and looks down at me. “I love you so much, Logan,” she says. Then she dips her head, settles against my chest, and falls asleep.

Emily

I wake before the sun comes up. The light is still on and Logan’s on his back. I’m lying on top of him, and there’s sweat between us. I need to get cleaned up and get out of there before he wakes up. My gut clenches at the thought of leaving him and tears fill my eyes. I look at him through my crying until he’s a big blur. A big, beautiful blur. I love him so much. I love him so much that I can’t stay. I love him too much to make him do without Matt for a lifetime. I just can’t do it. I have to give him up to save Matt. I know it can’t be avoided. Someone might as well cleave me into two pieces – it wouldn’t hurt any less.

I let my tears fall, not bothering to wipe them away as I go and shower. I move as quietly as I can, and get dressed in the bathroom. I brush through my wet hair, but I don’t do much more than that. There’s no need to put on any makeup. It’ll be washed away by my misery.

I sneak back into the bedroom and look down at him lying there. He’s so beautiful. He’s everything I want and everything I could ever need. But I’m not sure what he needs. Yes, I am. He needs Matt. He needs for me to see that Matt gets everything he has to have to get better. To live. And I’m giving him this the only way I can.