I slam the bathroom door shut. “Let’s be late,” I say.

Emily

Sam is irked because we’re running later than he’d planned. I can’t say I blame him. But when Logan kisses me, I can’t think about anything but him. He always calls for the stop before I do. I can’t figure out what to do about that, aside from giving him time to trust me. We just met a few days ago, but I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. He’s kind, considerate, and he doesn’t treat me like I’m somehow lacking because of my dyslexia. He doesn’t seem to care.

Ahead of us, Hayley walks alongside Paul, her fist clutching his index finger. She’s dressed warmly in a pink coat that has fur around the hood. She’s adorable. Paul looks at her like she hung the moon and stars in the sky. Sam and Pete walk side by side in front of them, and they stop to shove one another across the sidewalk every few seconds. Logan tosses a ball in the air as we walk together. I bite back a shiver.

He makes the sign for cold, asking me with his brows raised if I am. I show him my fingers about an inch apart. He hands me the ball, unzips his hoodie and puts it around my shoulders. I pass the ball back to him, tug the hoodie more tightly around myself, and slide my arms into it, and zip it up to my chin. I lift it and sniff. It smells like him.

Why he asks in sign, then he mimes my sniff. Why did I smell it? I know the sign for why, and my heart thrills that I do.

I don’t know how to sign the words, so I say, “Smells like you. I like it.” I shrug my shoulders. I turn around backward and walk facing him because I’m sure it’s hard for him to read my lips from the side. He holds a hand in warning. He shakes his head.

No need, he signs. He mouths the words while he does it, so I get it.

“Don’t let me run into anything,” I warn. I like looking at him. Apparently, a lot of other women do, too. His arms are naked, his t shirt straining across his shoulders. You can see his tattoos, which go all the way to his hairline on the back of his neck. He attracts a lot of attention. “Women really love you, don’t they?” I ask. He’s drawn more than one pair of eyes, from the teenagers to the cougars. They all stop to stare as he walks past. And having his brothers with him doesn’t help any. They’re a good looking group of boys.

He shrugs, looking sort of put out by my question.

When we get to the park, Matt goes and sits on a bench and I drop down beside him. Logan goes with Sam and Pete to toss the ball around. Paul chases Hayley over to the swings. “How are you feeling?” I ask of Matt.

“Fine,” he says quickly. He doesn’t elaborate.

“You don’t look fine,” I blurt out. I can’t help it. He doesn’t.

“Thanks,” he says, his voice droll. “I love to hear how bad I look from beautiful girls.” He nods. “Appreciate it.”

“Why didn’t you stay home to rest?”

“Honestly?” he asks, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. He’s leaning forward so that his elbows rest on his knees. He plucks a blade of grass.

“No, lie to me,” I respond. Then I roll my eyes.

He chuckles. “I don’t know how many more moments I’ll have to do this. I want to suck every bit of life from the moments I have.”

Tears prick at the backs of my lashes. “Are you afraid?” I ask quietly.

“Only every f**king day,” he says on a heavy sigh.

“Oh.” I don’t know what else I can say. “What’s your prognosis?” I ask. I don’t know why I’m being so nosy. I just want to know what Logan will be up against. And Matt. But mainly for Logan. I might be able to do something to cushion his blow.

“Don’t know. I go back in two weeks and they’ll tell me if the chemo worked.”

I nod. What can you say to that? Hope it’s good news. Hope you’re going to live. Oh, you’re going to be just fine. None of those seem appropriate.

He turns so that his knee is facing me, his arm lying along the back of the bench. “I’ve been trying to plan. For when I’m gone.”

Shoot. What should I say to that? “That’s smart.” I’m an idiot.

“I have letters for all my brothers. I already wrote them.”

“Is that what you’ve been doing all day?”

He nods, playing with the piece of grass, rolling it between his fingers.

“They’ll appreciate them if anything ever happens to you.”

“When something happens to me,” he says, correcting me. “It’s just a matter of how long I have at this point, I think. I can feel it.”

I cover my hand with his on the back of the bench, and give it a squeeze. “Is there anything at all I can do for you? Anything to help you plan?”

He looks at me, hard. His green eyes bore into mine. “If you’re still around when it’s time, can I give you the letters? To share with them when I’m gone?”

“I’ll still be around,” I say. I’m not going anywhere. Not any time soon. “And yes, I can take your letters. Just tell me how and when you want them delivered.”

He nods. “I have one for this girl, too. April is her name. Logan will be able to find her. But he won’t give her a letter from me. He sort of hates her.”

“She probably deserves it,” I mumble.

He chuckles. “You don’t get to pick who you fall in love with.” He sits silent for a minute. Then he says, “Don’t let them put me on the mantel or anything,” he says. “I f**king hate the idea of being stuffed in an urn.”