I finish taking off the rest of our clothes and then she’s lying underneath me, looking about as terrified as I feel, her eyes massive and I sense a small tremble of her body every time she breathes.
“You know, if you ever need anything from me—whether it’s to stop or slow down or simply talk, I’m here,” I say, trying to calm her nerves. And it’s true. I’d stop if she asked me to. I’d do anything for her.
She doesn’t say anything and I slide inside her, feeling her warmth and wishing I could just stay there and just feel her. It’s calming, terrifying, perfect—it’s so many God damn things I don’t let myself feel except when I’m with her, and when I’m with her, feeling things isn’t as hard.
I rest my arms by the side of her head and rock inside her.
Her legs fall open and her hands tighten around me as I press deeper into her, knowing that nothing else will ever compare to this. I thrust inside her, watching in awe as her eyes glaze over and her head tips back. Her body starts to arch against mine and we collide into each other as I drive her further. She bites down on her bottom lip and her neck bows forward as her fingernails pierce my skin. I hate how fucking much I like it, but I can’t help it. Even with her beneath me, it’s still there, hiding inside me, the desire for pain instead of feelings.
“Kayden,” she moans and loses herself in my movements.
She holds onto me, our skin damp, our breathing fitful as I still myself inside her. My head is tipped down and her breath is hitting my cheek as her fingers draw up and down my back. When I get control of myself again, I kiss her cheek and then start to pull back, but she tightens her legs around my waist and holds me in place, refusing to let me slip out of her.
I lean back and look her in the eyes, searching for what’s wrong. “Are you okay?”
She nods, with a funny look on her face. “I’m just not ready to let you go yet.”
A smile reveals at my lips. And it’s genuine and not for show like most of my smiles are. I kiss her deeply with every ounce of passion I have in me. “Give me a few minutes,” I say and turn my hips to the side. “And I’ll be back in the game.”
This time she releases me and I lie on my back, with my arm behind my head as I stare up at the ceiling. I’m very aware of my scars at the moment and how each one feels smaller somehow. I’m starting to realize something… something I’m not sure I want to realize. She makes me feel better and I wonder if that means I’m supposed to be with her. I don’t want it to mean that, though. I want her to be unrestricted.
Pulling the sheet over her, she rotates onto her hip and brushes my hair out of my face. “What are you thinking about?”
she asks, grazing a finger between my brows and erasing the worry line.
I tip my head to the side and meet her gaze. “You really want to know?”
She nods her head, lowering her hand to her hip, and my eyes trace her thin figure. “I always do.”
I pivot to the side so we’re lying face to face. “I’m thinking that you should leave me.”
Her breathing becomes ragged. “You want me to go?”
I quickly place a hand on her hip. “Don’t think for a second that I want you to go. I never want you to go. I want you here.
With me… but I don’t want you to be with me. I want you to be happy, if that makes any sense.”
She considers what I said, biting on her bottom lip, and all I want to do is lean forward and bite it too, but it would defeat my whole purpose of trying to let her go. “I get what you’re saying,”
she says. “But I don’t agree with it. You’re the only person…” Her bottom lip shakes as she takes a deep breath. “You’re the only person who I can ever feel whole with.”
“You don’t know that.” I keep trying to push her away. “There could easily be other people out there.”
She shakes her head. “There’s not… a-and I don’t want there to be.”
“Callie,” I say softly and place my hand under her cheek, rubbing a finger across her birthmark on her temple. “I’m not good for you. You deserve better.” It gashes deep inside my chest to say the truth aloud. But it needs to be said.
“There’s nothing better,” she utters quietly, staring at the foot of the bed, blinking back the tears. “You just need to realize that.”
“I just want you to be free… from all my shit and my fucking complicated life.”
“I don’t want to be free. I just want to be here. With you. I-I don’t care about your fucking complicated life or your problems. I just want you… and I want you to be happy. You deserve to be.”
Fuck. No one’s ever said that to me. I don’t even know if I’m certain what happiness is. I can’t control myself anymore. Each one of my scars is throbbing and I need her to silence them. I lean in and grab the back of her head, bringing her lips to mine, and kiss her with so much intensity it rips my scars in half. I flip us over, pressing her down on her back as I run my hand down to her breast. She trembles as she moves her legs up so I fall down between her. I kiss her fervently, nipping at her lip as I touch her everywhere. When I finally pull away, I can barely breathe as I trail kisses down her jawline, her neck, her collarbone. I graze my teeth along her neck and suck on her soft skin as her legs latch around my waist. My head journeys down farther and her hips writhe up as I trace a circle around her nipple before sucking it into my mouth.
She lets out a sexy whimper as her fingers tangle through my hair.
I suck hard, needing more of her, before I travel to her other breast. I caress my tongue along that one too, until I can’t stand it anymore.
I push back and grab another condom. Seconds later, I’m back inside her, wishing things would stay this way forever. Just she and I without the sounds and heaviness of the world. Without the fucking complications of life.
Chapter 14
#10 Face the truth and let it go
Callie
We make love countless times throughout the night and then finally I slip Kayden’s shirt on and he puts his boxers back on.
Then we lie down in the bed and rest. Somewhere well into the early hours of morning Luke and Seth stumble into the house, drunk off their asses and making a lot of noise. Seconds later, Seth starts jiggling the doorknob and shaking the door.
“Oh Callie Lawrence, let me in,” he says, banging on the door.
Then I hear Luke say, “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin.”
This is followed by a lot of laughter and then the sound of a glass breaking.
I glance up at Kayden, who has his arm around me and is playing with my hair. He smiles down at me as I rest my face on his chest.
“They’re wasted,” he says. “And I’m guessing that Luke probably dropped a bottle on the floor in classic Luke style.”
“Does he do that a lot?”
“In the past, yeah. It’s like he forgets how to use his hands or something.”
I laugh against his chest and he kisses the top of my head.
“Should I let him in?” I ask.
“Nah,” Kayden replies. “Let them stay out there and annoy the shit out of each other.”
I laugh as Seth continues to bang on the door. He does it for quite a while before he gives up and the house gets quiet. Even though the last few hours have been amazing, I still have a ton of questions on the tip of my tongue, but I’m worried about the consequences if I ask them.
“Tell me what you’re thinking about?” He repeats my early words as he twists a lock of my hair around his finger.
I peer up at him, noting the small scars on his face, and I can’t believe how many people don’t notice. “I’m thinking that you should tell someone about your father.”
He freezes and the strand of my hair falls from his finger.
“Callie, I can’t do that. No one will believe me.”
With my hands flat on his chest, I push up and swing my leg over him. “Yes, they will. We just have to find the right person.”
He shakes his head as he swallows hard and stares at the moon through the window. “I can’t.”
I put my hands on his shoulders and pin him down. “Yes, you can… and do you know why…” I trail off because what I’m about to say is probably the second hardest thing I’ll ever have to say. The first being what I actually have to say to someone else. “Because I’m going to tell someone too.”
His eyes snap to mine and he assesses my face with great concern. “You’re going to tell someone about Caleb?”
My heart is trying to kill me from the inside as it slams against my chest. “I am, if you will.”
It’s that simple, at least the theory in my head is. I’ll promise to tell my family as long as he tells someone about his father—someone who will do something about it. Although, when it actually comes down to spilling those words out to the world, it’ll be complex, complicated, rough, hurtful, aching, painful, shameful… I could write a list down in my notebook of everything that it will be and there wouldn’t be enough pages.
“Callie, I think that’s good,” he encourages. “You should tell your parents.”
“But I’m only going to if you tell someone about your dad.” I know it’s blackmail, but it’s all I’ve got at the moment. “And you need to tell—we need to tell.”
His eyebrows knit together. “You’d really blackmail me into it?”
My shoulders slump inward as I slouch down, feeling like the world’s most terrible person. “I’m only doing it because I lo—care for you.” My eyes widen at the word that almost slipped out.
I know he notices, but he pretends he doesn’t. He stays calm underneath me. “And what do you think will come from us telling someone?”
Tears are forming in my eyes and one rolls down my cheek, dripping off my jawline and falling on him. “Freedom.” I try to force the rest of the tears back, but the wall around me is crumbling rapidly and soon I lose all control over my emotions. I start to sob, again. He’s probably going to start thinking that that’s all I do.
He pulls me down against him and I bury my face in his chest with my hands on his shoulders. Tears veil my vision as I stare at the wall to the side of me.
“Fine, I’ll do it… I’ll tell someone… I guess,” he says so quietly the sounds of my tears falling almost drown it out. “But only for you. I’m only doing it for you.”
I’m not sure I like his answer. I don’t want him to do it for me. I want him do it for himself because I want him to know that he’s that great of a person. One who gets the weirdo-Goth-Satan-worshipping girl who everyone was always afraid of. One who can break down indestructible walls. The kind of person who can piece a person back together again.
The person I’m falling in love with.
Kayden I can’t believe what I’m hearing. She wants us to tell someone. Confess together. Tell our dark secrets to the world and let everyone do what they will with them. It throws me off more than anything I’ve ever heard until she almost says she loves me.