Lila

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I realize I love him or the fact that I’m sober, but every touch, kiss, every time our skin comes into contact, I nearly lose it. I’m on the verge of combusting, feeling as though I’m tumbling into a wonderful, divine, unknown place. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve ever had a real orgasm. Probably, I’m sure, but I’ve never been coherent enough to fully feel it.

I can barely breathe and every single one of my nerves is pulsating with dread, desire, and bliss. I’ve never let myself be so exposed before, not since Sean, and even then I didn’t know myself enough to show who I really was. I’m starting to understand myself more, who I am, what I want, what I need. And it all ends with Ethan.

I can barely think straight as he pinches and sucks on my nipples, touches me all over, feels me from the inside and the outside, head to toe, bathing kisses all over my body. I don’t know how much more of this I can take before I’m going to explode, and he must feel the same way because suddenly he’s ripping the rest of our clothes off and throwing them onto the floor. When he slips inside me, I scream out his name as heat courses through my body, my insides trembling as he fills me. He starts thrusting inside me and I keep waiting for my mind to shut down, but I don’t want it to and thankfully it never does.

His muscles are taught, his arms beside my head as he rocks into me and I curve my back inward, bringing myself up to meet him, wanting more, needing more. I swear to God it feels like I can’t get enough as our bodies keep connecting, in tune with each other. The way he watches me every time I gasp in pleasure makes me feel beautiful, not filthy; wanted, not used. I wish it could go on forever, but I also want to reach the end because I feel like I’m going to lose it. As he gives one last hard thrust, I feel myself letting go of everything, the past, the shame, the worry, and it’s so blindingly intense, so overpowering, that I stab my fingernails into his shoulder blades, needing to channel the forceful energy somewhere. I feel his flesh split apart as I hold onto him, knowing I’m letting the rough side of me show through, but for once I just embrace it, embrace who I am. This is who I am.

He lets out a deep groan, his face contorted with pain and pleasure, and seeing the effect I’m having on him makes me rise higher until I completely lose touch with reality all together. When I finally return to reality, he’s stilled inside me. He’s situated between my legs, his head lowered onto my chest, and I can feel his pulse throbbing inside me.

He lays motionless forever, breathing against my chest, and the longer it goes on, the more nervous and insecure I get as I wait to see where this is going to go. Will he leave me like Sean did? Should I get up and walk away before he does? I don’t want to. I want to be with him. Forever maybe.

When he raises his head, I see something in his eyes I’ve never seen in any other guy’s eyes before. Ethan cares about me and he looks just as nervous as I do.

“That was…” He breathes in and out as he brushes my hair away from my damp forehead. “Amazing.”

I nod, because I’m speechless and way too out of breath. He smiles, kisses me delicately on the lips, then slips out of me and rolls onto his back, lying beside me with his arm tucked underneath my neck.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He rotates to his side and places a hand on my bare stomach. “About the Parker thing?”

I turn my head to the side and take in his firm chest, his damp, heavily inked skin, his dark brown eyes that are actually looking at me instead of through me. “Yeah, I really am, I think… You made me feel better. Much, much better.”

He smiles, seeming nervous, and I’m trying not to think about how having sex is going to change our relationship. It could end up ugly. Or beautiful. Although, I’d love to be optimistic, all I’ve ever seen is ugly, with my mom and dad, with every guy I’ve met. There is only one exception to this and that would be with Micha and Ella. I want what they have, but is it possible for someone like me to have such a beautiful, pure love?

“Tell me what you’re thinking about?” he whispers as he affectionately combs his fingers through my hair.

“What’s going to happen between us?” I ask honestly and he presses down on my wrist, feeling my pulse, and right beneath his fingertips is one of my scars.

He pauses, searching my eyes, for what I’m not sure. “What do you want to happen between us?”

I swallow hard, reluctant to put myself out there, fearing I’ll be rejected. “I don’t know. What do you want?”

He inhales slowly and then lets the breath ease out of his lips. “You know about my parents. How they were, right? I’ve told you.”

I nod. “Yeah, you’ve told me stories. Honestly, they sound a lot like my parents. My dad might not hit my mom, but he cheats on her and yells at her all the time.”

He shuts his eyes, breathing in before opening them again. “I don’t want us to turn out like either one of them… I love being with you, even when you’re being a pain in the ass.” He tries for a light tone, but fails. “What if a relationship ruins what we have? What if we ruin each other?”

My chest tightens and I’m finding it hard to breathe. It seems like my scar on my stomach is getting more distinct and I wonder if he can see it more clearly. “But what if it doesn’t? What if…” Jesus, breathe, Lila. “What if we end up having something really good, like what Ella and Micha have?”

He presses his lips together. “But what if it does ruin us? Then what? We just walk away from each other? I sure as hell don’t want you out of my life. And I… I worry about you. The stuff you’ve been going through… It’s still so new and relationships can be very dangerous.”

Tears sting at my eyes as the feeling of being rejected builds inside me. I could stand by and just let it come like I did the last time, but unlike Sean, Ethan seems like he’s worth fighting for. “I don’t want how I’m feeling to go away.” His lips part, about to say something, but I interrupt him, deciding that it’s time to let him know who I really am on the inside, without the pills, the shots of Bacardi, without the makeup and fancy clothes.

“When I was fourteen and I went off to boarding school, I met this guy,” I begin, summoning every speck of courage I’ve kept locked inside me. “Actually, I kind of made us meet. I was feeling really lonely and this group of girls—the Precious Bells”—I roll my eyes at how ridiculous it sounds—“said they would be my friend if I hit on one of these older rich guys who liked to hang out at the library for some reason.” I can feel the ring on my finger weighing a hundred pounds. The ring Sean gave to me, telling me he loved me, whispering a false promise of loving me forever. Suddenly, I don’t want it on my finger, branding me and what we did together. I don’t want to remember his love anymore. Or him. Who I was with him. I want to move on, become a different person—a stronger person—so I slip it off and toss it onto the nightstand next to me.

Ethan watches me with curiosity, trailing his fingers back and forth across my stomach. “Are you okay?”

I nod, returning my wrist to his hand, and continue with my story. “I hit on him and he seemed to be interested. At first, things moved really slow, a few text and e-mails, but then we finally met up and everything changed. We kissed and for the first time in my life… I felt loved.” I pause, catching my breath. Ethan looks like he wants to say something, his forehead furrowed as he swallows hard but I keep going because I need to get it all out. “Anyway, to make a long story short, I was really stupid and pretty much would do anything he told me to do because I thought he loved me.” I pause. “The first and only time we had sex”—I bring my free wrist up, the scar on it matching the one on my other wrist—“he tied me to the bed with ropes, even though I wasn’t really into it.” I nod at my stomach and he follows my gaze to the faded scar traveling across the bottom section of my stomach. “And then… well, I’m pretty sure you can probably figure out what happened next.”

His skin turns white as he stares at the scars on my stomach and then his gaze returns to mine. “Those are from the ropes because some fucking guy tied you to a bed?”

I nod and then shrug. “It was my own damn fault. I told him no once, but he said it’d be okay, so I believed him and went through with it.” Tears burn at my eyes as I remember how confused I felt, how lost, how disgusting and yet at the same time loved I felt. “And it kind of felt good at first, but then when he…” I breathe out, letting the words rush out. “Well, he got really rough with me and I was too afraid to ask him to stop, too afraid I’d lose his love.” I suck back the tears, forcing myself not to show the shame I feel on the inside. Keep it trapped. “Afterward, he left me and I never saw him again. I guess his girlfriend, who I didn’t even know about, found out about me but honestly I’m pretty sure he was done with me… I could see it in his eyes when he finished fucking me that he was done.” I pause, taking a deep breath. “What made it worse was that everyone found out about it and told me that I was a slut.” I give Ethan a moment, because he looks like he’s about to freak out. “I should stop, right? This is too much.” I start to sit up, ready to go and give him some breathing room from my slutishness and depressing story.

“How old was he?” he asks through gritted teeth as he gently pushes me back down on the bed. “This guy.”

“Twenty-two,” I say and feel him cringe. “Anyway, it was a long time ago and I’m sure he’s completely forgotten about me at this point. I’m just trying to tell you why I am the way I am. I’ve spent the last six years popping pills and having sex with random guys because I seriously feel like I don’t deserve anything better.” I’m about to cry and I hate myself for it. I feel so ugly right now, but Ethan deserves to know who I am, what he’s going to get into if he chooses to be with me. “I’m fucked up, Ethan. I never feel loved, yet I always keep looking for it, hoping that somehow it really exists.”