Hardship

Three weeks went by at my soul-sucking job, and I eventually did get used to the work. My hands were no longer raw and bleeding by the end of the day; I had some super sweet calluses built up. They felt awesome when I was jacking off. Not. It was just another thing that made me miss Anna.

I yawned six times in a row on the drive to work. I hadn’t adjusted to the godforsaken hour, and I never would. No one should be awake at this time unless they were still up partying from the night before. My partying days were pretty much over though. I stopped by a bar after work for an hour or two, just to unwind before heading home to the chaos that was my parents’ house, and then I came home and crashed so I could do it all over again.

I hadn’t even been taking advantage of my one day off a week to go out and do anything. The desire just wasn’t in me. I wanted to get through the day, that was all I cared about now. Sometimes just getting through the hour was a struggle. Just keep going…tomorrow will surely be better. It never was though.

I’d always been able to make the best of situations, go with the flow, find joy in the oddest stuff, but now…the only bright spot in my day was thinking about Anna and the girls. While I went about my menial task of tightening bolt after bolt, I daydreamed about them.

The memory most often tangling my mind was when Anna and I had decided to move in together. Well, we hadn’t really decided it, we’d just sort of done it. It had made sense though, since we were already married. And had a kid. It was after the D-Bags tour with Sienna Sexton, when we’d all trudged back home after Kellan had gotten hurt. I’d been living with Matt up until then, but it seemed weird to go back there and leave Gibson and Anna all alone at her apartment. No, it had seemed more than weird, it had seemed wrong. She was my wife, and I wanted to be with her.

So we’d gone to her place together. Anna had carried Gibson, while I’d carried the rest of our bags. I’d been huffing and puffing by the time we’d reached her door; between the three of us, we’d had a ton of crap, even after we’d shipped a bunch of shit home.

“Here’s your new home, baby girl,” Anna had cooed as she’d gently swung the car seat from left to right, showing Gibson her new spread.

Anna’s apartment had been fine when we’d been rolling around in it, but all of a sudden it had felt cramped. “We should get a bigger place, somewhere Gibby can run and play. Somewhere with a pool.” The bags fell off my shoulders and thumped to the floor in a pile. I massaged my sore shoulders. “And a hot tub.”

With a seductive giggle, Anna swung her eyes my way. “I don’t know, I like how cozy we are here.”

Pulling the car seat from Anna’s hand, I gently set Gibson on the floor. Wrapping my arms around Anna’s waist, I’d told her, “Yeah, but what about the others? We’ll feel like we live in a box when they arrive.”

Anna had scrunched her brows in confusion. I don’t know why, but the expression had turned me on. Okay, I knew exactly why—everything she did turned me on. “What others?” she’d asked.

Leaning in, I’d sucked her bottom lip into my mouth. “The other kids we’re gonna have.”

She’d let out an erotic groan that was way too sensual for our daughter’s young ears. I was instantly hard. “Mmmm…you want more kids?” she asked, her voice throaty.

Pressing my eager body into her hip, I growled, “Yes…let’s start now…”

Anna laughed as my lips attached to her neck, then she gently pushed me back. Green eyes serious, she again asked, “You really want more kids?”

I’d glanced down at my daughter—my perfect, beautiful angel of a daughter—and a peaceful smile had spread across my lips. “I do. I want more mini versions of you. A dozen at least…and maybe one or two of me.” I’d given her my studliest smile, and she’d returned it, but her eyes were wetter than before.

“You want a dozen versions of me?”

Cupping her cheeks, I’d nodded. “Anything less than that would be a crime against humanity. You’re perfect…your DNA should be replicated over and over and over…”

She’d kissed me then, hard, and we’d quickly put Gibson down for a nap in her room so we could get to work on giving her a brother or sister in our room. And it wasn’t much longer after that that we’d moved into the mammoth house by the lake. My dream home, with my dream girl. But now the dream was over.

When my shift ended, I didn’t feel like going home. Honestly, I didn’t feel like doing anything. Staying at the factory overnight wasn’t an option though, so, dirty and sore, I plodded out to the parking lot. Maybe I’d head to the local bar and drown my sorrows in whiskey. It wouldn’t solve anything, but maybe it would temporarily remove the cloud of despair around me; I didn’t even feel like myself anymore. I barely looked like myself either. There were bags under my eyes, holes in my clothes, blisters on every finger, and grime, grease, and sweat in every nook and cranny. Chelsey had helped me get my blond hair back after Anna left, since the grow-out had been driving her crazy, but like the rest of me, it was dull and lackluster, and I swear to God, it was turning gray.

As I dragged my feet across the concrete, I thought maybe I’d just go home and lose myself in an hour-long shower. That was when the skies opened and the heavens puked heavy raindrops on me. Shaking my head, I looked up at the sudden downpour that was slowly washing away my will to live. Fuck you, universe, that’s not what I meant.