“Okay,” I said, playing with my straw.

“I want to say that what happened in January was wrong. I never should have let us go that far when I wasn’t sure of my feelings for Lori. It’s just that I couldn’t resist you that weekend. It’s like we got away from BA, and you became more alive than I’d ever seen you.”

I nodded, remembering. Getting away from Mother and her reach had spurred something inside me in New York.

His fingers reached for mine. “I want you to go out with me, and I don’t mean like that night in New York. I mean like a real date where I come pick you up and take you somewhere nice. I want to get to know the real you. We’ve always known each other, but there’s more to you than just the girl I see at school.” He looked down at our joined hands. “There’s always been a spark between us. I want to see where it leads.”

He seemed sincere. But could I really forgive him for dumping me?

And then I thought about Leo.

I thought about Tiffani.

I thought about her feeding him raw fish at some swanky restaurant downtown.

Maybe second choice was all I’d ever be.

“I’d love to,” I said and he smiled.

Sebastian and Mila came back and coerced us out to the dance floor. While we danced, I saw Emma dancing with Matt. Rumor was they were back together, and I assumed they were since his hands were plastered to her ass. I remembered our dance and what had happened after.

By midnight we’d decided to go home, and Drew walked me outside. “Pick you up next weekend at Portia’s Pastries? We can talk in class about where you want to go,” he said, leaning back against the side of Sebastian’s car and pulling me to stand between his legs. Even in my heeled cowboy boots, he was taller than me, our bodies fitting together perfectly.

I nodded.

He stared down at me and cradled my face. “I want to kiss you, but I’m not sure you want me to,” he said softly, his thumbs stroking the sides of my face.

He let his fingers drift down my cheek. “I’ve been sitting next to you in Cal class for weeks, wanting to tell you I’m sorry for everything. But most of all, I’ve wanted to kiss you.”

My stomach fluttered. At least being second choice means I’m still chosen. “Then kiss me.”

He tilted my face, and ever so gently, he pressed his lips to mine and kissed me the way I remembered. Soft and slow and sweet; it was very good.

“This was no lukewarm, vanilla feeling.”

–Leo Tate

DAYS PASSED. I worked. We had band practice.

Sebastian and I were back to the usual, working out together, playing music, talking about football. He’d helped me plan the birthday dinner for Nora. And while I’d been baking her cake and making a damn mess all over the place, he’d watched me quizzically the entire time, like he thought I’d lost my mind.

Maybe I have.

His profession of love for Nora made me livid, and I hated it. I did my best to push it to the back of my mind and pretend that I didn’t care. What was wrong with me, to be mad at my baby brother? I wanted to yell at him every time he gave her a little smile or sent her a concerned look or rubbed her back. And it wasn’t just Sebastian either. I’d even given Teddy the evil eye at band practice when he’d sat too close to her at the piano.

Fuck jealousy.

A knock came from my office door. I glanced at my watch. It was two, which meant it could be Nora. I hadn’t really talked to her in the past few days, and I got excited at the prospect of seeing her alone for once.

“Come in,” I said.

Sebastian walked in, but before he shut the door, he glanced back and sent a quick look out at the front desk where Nora sat.

“What?” I asked, my temper flaring.

Sebastian chuckled. “Feeling pissy today, bro?”

Why the hell was me being in a shitty mood funny? “You come in here for a reason? I got work to do, so get to it.” I motioned at a seat.

“Fine,” he said, taking a seat in one of the leather loungers. He crossed his arms, opened his mouth to speak but then closed it, shaking his head, like he’d changed his mind.

“Talk, Sebastian,” I said, thumping a pen against the desk. “I don’t have all day.”

He sighed. “Nora . . . and I . . . we have a serious problem.”

I straightened up as my stomach plummeted. “What kind of problem?” I asked with barely controlled rage, the first thing running through my mind was Nora being pregnant with Sebastian’s baby. I held my hands under the desk so he couldn’t see my clenched fists. Agony ripped through me at the thought of her big with his baby, and I forced myself to stay calm and not react the way I wanted to, which was to jerk him up and beat the shit out of him. And I didn’t want to do that. Not really. He was all I had.

But, I couldn’t stop my imagination from going crazy when I pictured Nora happy and smiling with a child, her child. And envy gnawed at me. Wondering what it would be like if she belonged to me, I pictured these possible fragments of my future, where I took care of her, where I made love to her everyday, where we got married, where she delivered our precious babies.

And those fake, future memories . . . the beauty of it took my breath away.

I startled at the suddenness of my realization, recognizing it for the truth that it was. What had I given up when I told her we would never be? Had I lost my only chance at real happiness when I’d rejected her?

I grappled with my emotions, not sure what to call it or how to describe it.

Was it love?

No, that didn’t cut it. This was no lukewarm, vanilla feeling. It was a madness, making me feel like a weak-kneed boy on his first date, like I had fucking butterflies in my stomach when I pictured her face. She consumed me, my head, my heart, my skin, my blood, my muscles, everything aching for the physical touch of her body against mine. I’d had an inkling of what we could be at the open house; at the movies, I’d realized that she could be mine if I let her; now I knew I’d made a mistake.

Did this mean she was my soulmate? Because she held my gutless piece-of-shit heart in her hands; because I thought I would die if I never got to kiss her again?

Yeah.

I felt the beginnings of a splitting headache and wished for a good bottle of whiskey.

“Leo?” he asked, bringing me back. “Dude, you alright?”

“Just tell me. Get it over with.”