Author: Lisa De Jong

“Come on! I’ll let you win,” he says, tilting his head to the side.

I move to sit back down on the towel, but he grabs my elbow, halting me in place. “It’s just you and me out here. You don’t have to be scared.”

He quickly lets go of my arm and walks into the water, leaving me standing alone. I watch as his legs gradually disappear under the water before walking in after him. The water is warm and as clear as lake water can be.

He glances back at me when he hears my feet splashing in the water, and I don’t miss the grin on his face before he turns back around.

I swim out to him, standing in water that hits right on my shoulders. “Do you remember when we came out here after my mom bought me my first bikini?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yeah,” he laughs. “I’ve never seen you turn so red.”

“It’s not funny, Beau,” I say, splashing water at him.

“You screamed so loud, I thought something really bad happened.” He shakes his head, trying really hard to control himself. “But then you came out of the water with your hands covering your chest yelling about how you were never coming back to this stupid lake again.”

When I came up from diving into the water that day, I realized my bikini top hadn’t come up with me. I completely lost it.

“If you were me, you would have been mortified too.”

“You were only nine. There wasn’t that much to look at,” he teases, splashing some water back at me. “And do you remember how long it was before you agreed to come back to the lake with me?”

I playfully smack his shoulder, trying hard not to laugh. “That doesn’t matter.”

“It was the very next day,” he says, holding his hands up in front of his face to avoid getting more water in his eyes.

“I wore a one piece.”

“Yeah, the black one with a big pink flower on the front. I remember,” he says, lowering his voice.

My heart does this little flip-flop thing it sometimes does when Beau’s around. “How do you remember everything?”

“I don’t . . . I just remember everything about you,” he says, brushing the back of his finger against my cheek.

I swallow, unable to speak as I watch beads of water race down his forehead.

When it’s just us, I feel as if we’re the only two people in the world. It’s actually my idea of perfect. But sometimes, like right now, it feels almost a little too perfect.

“How’s your mom?” I ask, turning my attention to the water for a few seconds to break the tension.

He shrugs. “She’s already asking when I’m coming back to visit, but I think she’ll be okay. It’s not like I’m moving across the country. You might have to take care of her for me.” A slight smile crosses my lips as I peer down at the diamonds reflecting off of the water. Beau and his mom are close. His dad works a lot of hours managing one of the local factories and Beau’s an only child, just like me. I think that’s part of the reason we became such good friends.

“Are you going to miss me?” I ask. I instantly regret the words as soon as they slip out of my mouth.

He turns his head to the side before he faces me again with a somber expression on his face. “You really have no idea, do you?”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” I reply, shaking my head.

He sighs, running his hand through his damp hair. “That’s not what I meant.”

I can’t remove my eyes from his as I watch his jaw move back and forth like he’s having an internal debate about what he should say next. I remain still, rolling my lower lip between my teeth as I wait for him to say something.

“Yes, Kate, I’m going to miss you. I’m so damn in love with you, I can barely stand to spend a few hours apart from you, and now we’re going to be miles and hours apart. It sucks. It really f**king sucks,” he says, lowering his voice a little more with each word.

I’m shocked. Completely and utterly shocked. I don’t see how anyone could love me. I’m not pretty. I’m certainly not that fun to be around, and I’ve let go of all my dreams. What is there to love about me?

I remove my eyes from his, watching his Adam’s apple move up and down as he swallows. When I look back up, his eyes are burning into me, and I know he’s waiting for me to react. He just laid his heart out in front of me, and I’m struggling with how I feel about it. This is the moment I dreamt of for years. I was the princess waiting for my prince to come save me from the top of the highest tower. Now, I’m unreachable . . . even for Beau.

I look past him to the line of houses on the other side of the lake in an effort to buy myself a few more seconds. “You’re not in love with me. There’s a difference between being in love and loving someone. I’ll always love you, but I’m not the girl you deserve to be falling in love with. You need someone who can give you everything,” I say, swallowing down the lump in my throat. I’ve waited for Beau Bennett to tell me he loves me for years. He’s just too late.

He moves in closer, grabbing my chin gently between his fingertips. “I love you. I think I’ve loved you since I was five.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” I ask pinching my eyes closed to avoid his.

“Look at me,” he says, frustration laced in his tone. “I’ve wanted to tell you for a very long time, but I didn’t think you were ready to hear it. I’m leaving tomorrow and I couldn’t wait any longer.”

“Beau, I—”

He stops me, putting his finger over my lips. “Don’t say anything yet,” he says, slowly removing his finger. “I can’t leave tomorrow without asking you something. I don’t care about anyone else. I’ve tried for years to get you out of my head because you were supposed to be my best friend, but I can’t do it, Kate. I want you to give me a chance.”

Sadness spills through my chest like a disease. I don’t have a problem pushing people away these days, but the guy standing in front of me isn’t someone I want to lose. That’s exactly what’s going to happen when I tell him the truth.

“I can’t,” I whisper as the first tear rolls down my cheek. I can’t give him something that was already taken from me.

“Why? Please help me understand. You shut everyone out of your life. You haven’t done much of anything in two years. It’s like one day you were happy, carefree Kate, and then the next you were gone. What happened to you? I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me,” he pleads, resting his hands on my shoulders.

He’s asked me this a million different times, and a million different ways, but I can’t tell him the real reason I’m not myself anymore. I never do, and tomorrow he’ll be mad at me for closing up again, and then the next day he’ll start to come around. It’s what we’ve always done, but I know it can’t be this way forever. “It’s just not good timing. You’re leaving tomorrow.”

“If you ask me to stay, I’ll stay,” he says, searching my eyes. I’m always worried that he’ll find the truth buried in there somewhere, but he hasn’t yet. I pray he never will.

I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Beau,” I say, my voice cracking a little more with each word. I step out of his grasp and start walking toward the beach, not looking back.

I hate Drew Heston right now. It took him less than ten minutes to ruin my body, but the emotional scars keep cutting deeper. He took away my hope, my dreams, my future, and I’ll always hate him for it.

I don’t bother drying off before I throw my tank and shorts over my swimsuit. Beau, more than likely, won’t talk to me for the rest of the day. We’ve done this before. I know that he’s going to take a few minutes to calm down before he comes out of the water and then walks to his truck without saying a word. He’ll drive me home with nothing more than a sideways glance.

Only the other times, he hadn’t told me he loved me. I don’t know what this means for us going forward. He’s done the one thing I was afraid to do when I felt the same way a couple years ago, and I’ve done the same thing I feared he would do back then. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about what I’ve done to him. He placed his heart in my hands and I crushed it.

I sit in the truck for several minutes staring out at the water before Beau opens the driver’s door and jumps up into his seat. He turns the key in the ignition and puts the truck in reverse. As predicted, he doesn’t even say a word as he drives back into town and pulls onto our street. The silence is deafening.

When he pulls into his driveway, he puts his truck into park, but doesn’t move to get out. I chance a quick glance to see him staring forward with his jaw clenched. I look away, frustrated with myself for not being able to move forward. I wish there was a way to end the war being fought inside of me right now.

I grab my purse and open the door, carefully stepping down and shutting the door without looking back. I start to walk across his yard to my house when I hear his car door shut. He’s mad which means he’ll probably walk behind his house and lay on top of the old trampoline. If it’s light out, he’ll close his eyes to listen to the sounds that surround him, but if it’s dark, he’ll stare at the stars. He’s been doing it since he was ten.

I’m almost to my front steps when I feel a big hand wrap around my upper arm. I flinch. I have a hard time being touched, but I have an even harder time when I don’t see it coming.

I spin around, ready to battle, but when I see the sad, dark look on his face, I stop. Nothing I can say or do is going to be worse than what I’ve already done today.

“Are you going to come over and say goodbye to me in the morning?” he asks, defeated. I force a slight smile onto my face. He won’t leave tomorrow if he thinks I’m upset with him. Truth is, I’m not upset with him . . . I’m only upset with myself.

“Yes, what time are you leaving?”