I thought I was going to be able to escape finally when I made one tiny tactical error. Gavin was about to turn and climb up the rest of the stairs, when he stopped and asked if I was heading out for the evening or spending the night with the girls. I shared too much in return.

“Sarah’s dragging me out to the bar, some club with some hot new DJ. I think it’s called 22?” The words rolled out of my mouth. When Gavin perked up with this new knowledge, I instantly regretted sharing it. I turned to leave him there, but not before he could say goodbye, for now.

“That sounds awesome. Maybe I’ll see you there,” he said, and thankfully, my face turned away from him, he couldn’t see the pained look in my eyes, willing him to stay home.

As I expected, Sarah started dismantling my outfit, hair and face the moment I walked through her door. I think to cheer me up a little, Sienna had brought me some of her handmade earrings, which Sarah quickly put through my ears and built a look and outfit around. They were colorful earth-toned beads and feathers, beautiful and normally a gift I would treasure. But they seemed too happy next to my face as I stared at them in the mirror. Sienna looked concerned when I caught her reflection, so I reached for her hand and squeezed it a bit to reassure her that I liked them, not wanting my friend to think I didn’t appreciate her thought, because I did.

Shopping was tolerable, or at least as tolerable as it ever was for me. I gave complete control to Sarah. It was easier that way, and afforded me the opportunity to slip away to the empty place in my mind. She’d picked out a sheer black-and-white top and tight black pants for me along with a new pair of knee-high boots. The look was actually one I liked, a little sexy, sure, but sturdy and moveable.

Lunch was quiet, or at least, I was quiet during lunch. I listened to Sarah talk about the guy she met at the club last weekend, and how they had been texting, or rather sexting one another. She was excited to see him tonight, which I had discovered was the real reason we were going to the club. I wanted to bail, in the worst way, but Sienna was going, and Micah was out of town at his grandparents, so I couldn’t leave her to wingman Sarah alone.

We got to the club a little early, which was good, because I was going to have to take in quite a few shots if Sarah wanted to get me on the dance floor tonight. Plus, I was constantly scanning the crowd, praying I wouldn’t find Gavin. I hadn’t been drunk since the night of the incident, and was a little wary about getting myself into more trouble. But the thought of numbing myself a bit tonight sounded appealing, too. I was tired of feeling sick—sick about losing a baby, sick about losing Reed and sick about losing my scholarships. And when the vibrating music hit my chest as we entered the club, I thought the faster I could wipe my memories clean, the better.

Sarah ordered shots for each of us as soon as we got to the bar. Sienna was more of a lightweight than I was, so she actually nursed hers a bit while Sarah and I tossed two of them back each, squeezing our eyes shut, and shaking our heads from the sharp bitterness that burned down our throats. I was feeling the effects almost instantly, which is what made me willing to head out to the dance floor with the girls.

Apparently, some big local DJ was at the club tonight, which made things a little more crowded than normal. To be honest, I liked the anonymity the crowds were giving me. We were packed in, body to body, and there was no room for strangers to notice me on the dance floor. I was starting to get comfortable, thinking there was no way Gavin would show up and hit on me, when I spotted his head several bodies away from me, swaying in the crowd. He had a few friends with him, some of them girls, and appeared to be distracted, so I moved to the opposite side of the floor and surrounded myself with more strangers.

I felt safe here. There was no way I would be tempted to let down my guard with someone else. It was just me—smashed between sweaty arms, legs, backs and torsos—all to the rhythm of the music. I didn’t even need to know how to dance well, just push my arms in the air and move. Sienna seemed to like the lack of pressure, too, because she actually finished both of her shots and was now jumping to the music in the center of the floor with me. Somehow, Sarah managed to squeeze in with us, and gave me another shot, which I consumed quickly. Sienna refused hers, so I took that one, too, and let my eyes lose focus on the flashing colorful lights all around us.

We had been on the floor for more than an hour, and I had taken every shot Sarah pushed my way. That was her way of medicating, and tonight, I let her play doctor. My body was wet with perspiration, my thin shirt sticking to my chest and back, and my feet aching from the tall arch of my new boots, but I didn’t care. I kept dancing, moving and staring at the lights. Sarah had found the guy she’d hooked up with last week and was in her own world, and Sienna had made her way back to the tables, wanting to slow things down. But I powered on.