As the night wore on, the music got sexier, more suggestive. I had completely left myself by this point, my body powered by the alcohol far more than by my brain. I felt strange hands brush the damp hair from my neck, and then watched them reach for me and run over my back, arms and br**sts. And I just put my hands in the air and let them. I felt a freedom that I hadn’t known ever and was comforted by the anonymous sea of drunken men and women. I was in the mix, ignoring life and my problems, and just letting the vodka, or whatever Sarah had fed me, power my limbs.

I don’t know how long I swayed like this, dancing with my stranger, but my safe haven was rocked when I turned into the body that the arms belonged to, and found my face square into Gavin’s chest. I was drunk, more so than I was the night I’d kissed him, but somehow my wits were with me. I pushed from him and threw his arms from my sides.

“Don’t do that!” I said in an angry slur. I giggled a little at how it came out, giving Gavin the wrong impression, because he moved back toward me and wrapped me up again in his arms, moving his lips to my neck where he started to taste me. His touch felt disgusting, and I pushed him away again.

“I said don’t do that!” I was more forceful now, and Gavin seemed to get it. His brow furrowed as he looked down, and then back up into my eyes, confused and upset. Leaning in, so I could hear him, he got close to my ear, his lips touching it a little, making me nervous.

“I don’t get you. One minute you’re kissing me, and don’t deny it. You kissed me. Just as much as I kissed you,” he said, pointing a finger at me. “The next, you’re telling me you aren’t attracted to me, don’t see me as anything other then a friend. Then you let me dance with you…like this! for an hour before you flip out on me again. What’s with you? Are you really NOT into me? Because I’ve gotta tell you, Nolan, you’re body is giving me an entirely different story!”

My words were definitely unfiltered, the alcohol working its black magic as I pushed a hand heavily into Gavin’s chest, biting my lip a little, and moving close to him, my teeth gritting. “I had a miscarriage, you ass**le! And Reed hates me for it! And the whole thing f**king ruined me—and you just made it worse! So just leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone!” I stormed away from him and headed to the other side of the club, not even looking back to check his reaction.

I holed up in the women’s bathroom for more than a few minutes after my scene with Gavin, my emotions bouncing between tears and anger. I finally gathered myself enough to touch up my makeup and storm back onto the dance floor where I continued on my journey to forget everything…again.

I vaguely remembered Sarah telling me to go home with Sienna. And I even less recalled arguing with Sienna and refusing to leave until she left me there alone. However it happened, I found myself wandering out the back door after midnight, digging through my purse for my phone, and completely unsure of where I lived.

Panic started to hit a little, and every face that passed me was unfamiliar. I started calling out for Sienna, but my words were slurred. I giggled a little at how I sounded. But inevitably, I would start to panic and begin the cycle again. After bumping into a few strangers, and stumbling to my knees more than once, I sat with my legs in the gutter of the main road, and zipped my boots off, setting them down next to me. I pulled my phone from my tiny purse with a force that sent my credit card and driver’s license flying into the road. Instantly, I was irrationally terrified that someone would find my license and realize I wasn’t yet 21, so I crawled into the roadway on my knees and grabbed my cards. Cars honked and swerved around me, and I remember the lines left behind as the headlights passed my face.

I think a few people asked if they could help me, but I always smiled, or at least I thought I was smiling, and told them I was fine. Fine. I was so f**king far from fine. I was turning into a train wreck, and I was beyond anyone’s reach. So I did what I always did when I was in trouble, what I’d done every other time I needed help over the last two years. I called Reed.

Reed

“Dude, you just shot me, you ass**le!” Trig yelled over the sound of gunfire blasting from our television. A bunch of the guys had come over to our place, and we’d been playing video games for a couple of hours now. I was starting to get tired of it, so I just started shooting all of my teammates to try to end the game faster.

It was nice to have the distraction, but I was tired. When I found out that Pops had invited Nolan and her parents over for Thanksgiving, I flipped my lid. I knew it was my fault for not telling him about the problems Nolan and I were having, but I didn’t think I’d be forced to out our up-in-flames relationship at the dinner table in front of our family and friends, while we all said grace and thanks for everything wonderful in our lives.