Nothing in the records identifies my sister. Mostly it’s a pile of medical jargon I don’t understand. All of it documenting just one baby— Baby Girl A.

The sound of a car pulling into the driveway seizes me with panic. A peek out the curtained window finds Aunt Claire, her car door already opened. Shit. I’ve been up here for more hours than I realized. I hastily drop the papers back into the box and close it, shoving it back into the corner. I dart downstairs, hop into bed, and pretend I’m sleeping when Aunt Claire cracks the door open to check on me.

Chapter 28

Nikki

I don’t hear from Zack the rest of the weekend. By Monday morning I’m a combustible mix of anger and hurt that I think might explode by the time I get to see his face in sixth period English. But I never get the chance. Instead, I stare at his empty seat for forty-six minutes, anxiously waiting for him to walk in.

By Tuesday, my nerves are on edge with worry. This time, he shows up to class, although it might have been easier if he didn’t. My heart speeds up at the sight of him, and I actually feel relief that he’s okay. There are two empty seats in the room. The seat he’s been sitting in every day, directly in front of me, and one on the opposite end of the room. Our eyes lock when he enters just before the bell rings. Then he walks to the other side of the room and sits down. He never looks back, not even when he walks out the door at the end of class.

A week later it’s become abundantly clear that he no longer even wants to be friends. He’s going to just continue to ignore me and pretend nothing ever happened. And I guess I’ll do the same. But it’s easier said than done. Unlike him, what I felt was real.

Concern and worry turn to anger. I’ve replayed the whole morning we last spent together a million times in my head. I’m convinced I did nothing wrong. Yet I can’t help but wonder what set him off. There’s something that flips a switch inside of him that makes him retreat. Like a ticking time bomb, only I have no idea what will make it go off.

I’ve lived a life of not knowing what I was walking into each day. The last week has had me thinking a lot about Mom and her disease. The highs and the lows, and the lack of anything in the middle. Mental illness is easier to accept than someone that just decides they’re done with you.

***

“There’s a party tomorrow night at Keller’s house,” Allie says, as the bell rings signaling the end of lunch. “His parents are going out of town and next week is his eighteenth birthday.” I already knew because Keller had told me about it every day this week. “I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“I don’t know, Allie. I wasn’t really planning on going.”

“I know. That’s why I’m picking you up. So you can’t tell me you’re going to go and then not show up.”

“But…” I try to think of an excuse of why I can’t go, other than the obvious one.

“Seven,” she warns and walks away leaving me no time to argue.

***

It’s six o’clock on Saturday evening and I’m getting ready to go to a party I really don’t want to go to. Aside from the fact that I’m in a mood Aunt Claire dubs melancholy, there’s a good chance Zack will be there since Keller is one of his best friends.

I ignore the bell when it rings, because it’s too early for it to be Allie. But a few minutes later Aunt Claire knocks on the door and let’s Allie into my room.

“Hey. I’m sorry, I thought you were coming at seven.”

“I was, but I thought I’d come early.” She plops on my bed and looks around the room. Her brows furrow at all my packed, neatly organized boxes, yet she doesn’t ask any questions.

“Well, I can be ready fast. I don’t take that long.”

“No rush. I thought maybe you’d want to talk.”

I look at her questioningly and she raises her eyebrows in response. We both know what she’s talking about. It’s been the ten ton elephant in the room for the last two weeks. Allie’s a smart girl. Observant. No doubt she’s watched me stare at Zack’s back during English class, tears threatening at my eyes almost daily.

“Is it that obvious?” I sigh, feeling relieved to talk about it with someone other than Ashley. Don’t get me wrong, Ash is awesome, but she doesn’t know Zack, so I can’t really get her perspective on things. Other than her Zack bashing from hearing a one sided story.

“That you two are both miserable? Yeah, it’s pretty obvious.” She smiles.

“I think you’re mistaking indifference for miserable on Zack’s part.”

“Nope, I’m pretty sure he’s miserable.”

“Why would he be miserable? He’s the one who stopped speaking to me.”

“I don’t know, Nikki. But I see the way he looks at you. He’s crazy about you.”

“Well, he has a funny way of showing it.”

“I know, I wish I knew what was going on in that head of his. But I know he cares about you. I think he’s just still struggling to accept Emily’s death.”

“My mom died around the same time as Emily. I struggle too. Some days are better than others. But I don’t take it out on people I care about.”

“My Dad is an obstetrician at the hospital where Emily’s Dad works. I asked him how her Dad was after the accident and he said he didn’t talk about it at all. People handle things in different ways.”