The cute guy with the nice smile who was collecting keys on the porch refills my glass with a clear liquid. It looks innocent enough. Me, Allie and Key Collector clank our shots together in cheers. Half of mine spills all over the counter as I bumble just to keep the tiny glass in my unsteady hand.

“Come on,” he pleads with his playful smile. “You girls have to give me your keys. You’re the two hottest girls here.”

Allie finally gives in, tossing her keys in the bowl. I manage to ignore their pressuring me to join them, excusing my drunk self to find the ladies’ room. In my intoxicated state it takes me a good ten minutes to do what should take three.

Opening the bathroom door, I turn down the dark hallway and stop in my tracks when I see Zack. A girl I recognize from school is all over him. We lock eyes, but he makes no attempt to speak to me.

Stumbling back into the kitchen, I find Allie and Key Collector where I left them. The crushing sensation in my chest hurts so much that I can barely breathe. I reach into my pocket and pull out my house keys and dangle them in the air.

“Yes!” Key Collector yells victoriously, pumping his fist in the air for added effect.

A few minutes later, smiling widely, Key Collector announces it’s time to distribute the keys. Allie and I dance together and my body begins to feel the music. Really feel the music. Relaxed, inebriated, I sway to the rhythm, finally forgetting what I’d started drinking to forget. Mission accomplished.

My eyes falling closed, I almost miss Zack stalking over to me. Keller follows in his wake, looking harried.

“Wasn’t my idea, man,” Keller holds his hands up as if to plead his innocence.

“Let’s go,” Growling, Zack says to me.

“No,” I respond adamantly. I don’t have to listen to him. Keller’s standing behind Zack, his eyes go wide.

“You’re leaving. If I have to carry you out of here, I will.”

Swaying a bit as I try my damnedest to stand still, I fold my arms over my chest and call his bluff. Zack looks to Keller. “Walk Allie home later.”

“You got it,” Keller replies quickly, looking to Allie, who nods back.

I don’t even bother to protest when Zack scoops me off my feet and into his arms. Suddenly, I’m too tired to argue. Leaning my head against his chest, I breathe in deep and close my eyes at the soapy smell that makes me relax. I don’t even open my eyes to see Key Collector still holding his bloody nose when we pass him sitting on the front porch.

***

“What time does your Aunt come home in the morning?” Zack asks as he tucks me into my bed. I must have slept the entire time since leaving Keller’s living room.

“Eight,” I mumble.

He slips into bed next to me and hauls me close to him, wrapping his arms around my waist tightly.

“I missed you,” he whispers as he buries his head in my neck.

“I’m mad at you,” I whisper back.

“I know,” he answers.

“But I missed you too,” I admit, my voice fading as I fall asleep feeling more at peace than I have in two weeks.

***

I crack one eye open, the brightness in the room causing pain in my eye that can only be matched by the throbbing in my head. I groan. The events of last night come flooding back and I reach behind me only to find a cold, empty bed. Was I dreaming he was lying in bed with me? I turn around to look, but the room is empty— he’s gone. There’s a folded up piece of paper on the nightstand, along with two pills and a bottle of water.

I unfold the note; the crinkling of the paper is deafening even though it’s barely audible. I’m sorry. Take the Tylenol. Drink the full bottle of water, you need to hydrate. Pick you up at 8pm.

Chapter 29

Zack

They say there are five stages of grief. I don’t even remember what a few of them are, but it felt like I was stuck in anger and depression for a very long time. People tried to explain it to me, help me through the process, but I wouldn’t take any of the hands that were offered. Guilt and shame barricaded me alone on one side, feeling disconnected from the rest of the world on the other.

I’m scared of waking up one day and not thinking about Emily. I blamed Nikki for consuming my thoughts…for taking up space that I thought should belong to Emily. But maybe there’s room for both of them.

It’s the first time I’ve come to visit Emily without being angry. I didn’t come to say goodbye or tell her I’ve moved on…because I’m pretty sure I’ll never fully be free. But instead I’m here to tell her I finally found a place for her. One I will cherish forever and keep with me willingly instead of fighting where she’s always belonged.

Placing the bunch of lilacs I brought at her grave, I take a few minutes to think back to all the good times we shared. The good memories, not the bad.

***

Wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans, I take a deep breath and walk to Nikki’s door. I have no idea what to expect. For two weeks I was a total asshole to her, pretending she didn’t exist. Then last night I storm off with her in my arms like some caveman. Hell, I’d be pissed at me.

Seeing her at the party, how vulnerable she was from too much alcohol, how much hurt was in her eyes when she saw me — I knew I needed to fix what I’d broken. I’d made the choice to walk away from someone I cared about once, and it’s something I’ll regret every day for the rest of my life.

My own feelings aren’t important. I can live with the sadness that has wrapped around my heart and squeezed so hard I can barely breathe. Hell, I’ve wanted the pain ever since I lost Emily. But I can’t hurt Nikki anymore. And I definitely can’t let her get hurt. I’m crazy about this girl. Maybe, just maybe, fate brought us together for a reason. To fix each other, not obliterate our already wounded hearts.