Dane put his finger under my chin and kissed me lightly, almost like a feather touching my lips. It didn’t stop there, though, as it continued to my heart, touching it only like Dane could. His body was tense when I left him. There was no doubt that he could read the shift in my mood. A part of me wanted to tell him everything, but it was easier to close down. It had always worked for me in the past.

I jumped in the shower while my head worked overtime, sorting through my crazy mess. Dane made more sense than anyone I had ever met, but my parent’s voices still rang loudly in my head. Their threats were on automatic replay and every time I heard them, they cut me deeper. They could make my life hell; I knew they could. If it had been just a threat against me, I could have dealt with that. I knew now, more than ever, that money was not the most important thing in the world. I wasn’t dealing with their threats against Dane as well. Did they know about his brother? The drugs? What would they do with the info? I didn’t want to find out and I didn’t want Dane to have to deal with it.

Chapter Twenty-One

My head was spinning the whole way back to the city. Dane volunteered to drive, pointing out that I looked tired. All the crying had done a number on my eyes and I couldn’t stop the voices in my head telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. I needed them to stop. I wanted them to stop. How could I make them stop?

The gift opening was awful. I sat next to Dane who held my hand the whole time. I made the mistake of looking at my mother at one point and all I could see in her eyes was warning. My father, on the other hand, kept his attention off me completely. He had said everything he wanted to say. I hated it; I wanted to run out of the room, out of the house and never look back, but I couldn’t.

I was miserable before I met Dane, and our time together at school had made me happier than I’d ever been. I was starting to feel miserable again because reality had crept back in. I felt like I had so much, but so little. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before this weekend, but they couldn’t.

I knew what I had to do to protect Dane. Staying with him would only hurt him and me, and in the long run we would both be miserable. My parents would never accept him and they wouldn’t let me back into the house as long as I was with him. Who tells their child they are no longer welcome in their own home because of who they’re dating? Who does that? I couldn’t put any more weight on Dane’s shoulders. He had been through enough in his lifetime.

My eyes wandered to Dane a few times during our drive. He was usually so good at reading me, but he wasn’t able to see the glisten in my eyes and pain on my face through the darkness. This was the one time I didn’t want him to read me. I realized a long time ago that Dane made me breakable; I just didn’t know it would hurt this bad before I even shattered. I needed to let him go. I couldn’t be selfish. It was what was best for everyone. I would get my parent’s blessing and he would be safe from their wrath, something I could never be. We would no longer have each other, though, and the thought of living without him was killing me inside.

I needed to feel what we had one more time before I let it all go. This was the one selfish part of me and it may make everything worse, but I needed him one more time. I turned so I was facing him. “Are we going back to your place?”

“Yeah, unless you don’t want to. Do you want to pick up something to eat first?” He looked concerned.

“No, I’m not really hungry,” I said sadly, taking his hand in mine and settling both of them on my thigh. We rode the rest of the way in silence and by the time we arrived at his apartment, I was ready to explode. I had to put this negative energy somewhere. I needed Dane to drown it out, just for tonight. I had made a life changing decision on the short ride from Greenwich to New York City and the weight of it was too much. Alex, you can to do this, I told myself. I just needed to push past the pain like I always did.

“Want to watch a movie?” he asked as we worked our way up the stairs with our bags. My legs were shaking and it was hard to not just collapse on the steps.

“No, I just want to go to bed.” He looked at me for a second, eyebrows knitted together. I gave him my best smile as he grabbed my hand and led me back to his bedroom.

“T-shirt?” he asked as he grabbed one out of the drawer for himself.

I nodded. Ever since I started to stay at Dane’s on a regular basis, I’d been wearing his t-shirts to bed. They were comfortable and smelled like him. He handed me a plain white t-shirt and I headed to the bathroom to change, stealing a glance at myself in the mirror. Stress was plastered all over my face and I looked older than usual. I splashed cold water over it a few times and took several deep breaths before going out to face the man I loved, the man I would always love. But this would be the last time I would face him as my lover. Maybe what I was doing was wrong, selfish even, but I couldn’t stop it.

I let my hand rest on the doorknob for a few seconds before joining him in the bedroom again. He was lying on the bed in nothing but his white boxer briefs. Gorgeous. Beautiful. My Dane. He looked up at me with a big grin on his face, the grin I was going to destroy in a few short hours. “Come here, Baby. What are you waiting for?”

I willed myself forward and tucked myself into his side, nuzzling my face in his neck. “Dane?” I whispered.

“Hmm?” He was using the tips of his fingers to rub small sensual circles on my back. My body was on full alert; I needed him. Even with pain flowing through my veins, I wanted him.

“I love you,” I said, placing a kiss on his chest.

“I love you, too.” He kissed the top of my head and brought both arms around me so we were on our sides, face to face. “Are you okay?” His voice was full of concern and love.

I answered by claiming his mouth in a long, slow kiss. I relished the familiar mint taste that was always on his tongue. I would never to able to taste or smell mint again without thinking of him; it would haunt me forever. He flipped me on my back and kissed every bare inch of my body. I memorized his lips, how they felt on me and what they did inside of me. No one else would ever make me feel this way. No one else could hold my body and heart at the same time like Dane could. I ran my fingers through his hair before lightly tugging on it to pull him forward, placing his lips back on mine.

We stayed connected forever; I didn’t want him to pull away when he sat on his heels and began to slowly pull down my panties. Panic really started to set in as he pulled down his own boxers; this would be the last time he would enter my body. It was the last time we would have this connection. Dane was my first and I had always hoped he would be my last, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I wondered if anything good was ever meant to be.

As if he knew what I needed, what I so desperately wanted, he began to slowly enter me. His motions remained slow and deliberate as he told me how beautiful I was, that he loved me, that I was his forever. Tears slowly began to roll down the side of my face and it took everything I had to compose myself enough to tell Dane I loved him too. I wiped my hand over my face to hide the tears. I thought back to the night in the club when we first met. I had never believed in fate, but I think fate put us there and then in the same Art class. I remembered the first time he kissed me in the art gallery; it was the first time I lived life like no one was watching me. I remembered the first time we ate at the little Italian restaurant that we had visited many times since. It was now a sentimental place and I would see Dane every time I walked past it. I thought back to the first time we were like this. How he made me feel so much love that I felt no pain. I wished he could do that now. I wished he could wash all my pain away this time.

My mind was in such a state of overdrive that I couldn’t find my release. I was too far inside my own head to let myself be in the moment. Dane found his too soon; it could have lasted for hours and it would have been too soon for me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him as tight as I could while our bodies were still joined. Our chests were touching and his heartbeat mirrored mine. After a few minutes, he rolled over on his back and cradled me into his chest. “I love you, Baby,” he said, kissing the top of my head. I loved the husky sound of his voice after sex. Everything about him was sexy.

“I love you, too. Don’t ever forget it.” I lifted my head to kiss his chin. He began to rub circles on my back again until he fell asleep, his body wrapped around mine. I laid there and listened to him breath for a while before freeing my body from his. It physically hurt to be separated from him. He shifted to his side, causing me to freeze in place for a minute until I knew he was still sound asleep. I threw his t-shirt back on and put on the pair of jeans I’d worn into the apartment earlier. I grabbed my purse and disappeared into the bathroom to write him a final goodbye, tears rolling down my face, hands shaking.

Dane,

I am not sure I can ever put into words how much you mean to me. I love you more than anything in this world. I hope you can forgive me some day.

You and I were not meant to be. I can’t see you anymore. Do not make this harder than it already is. I wish you the best and hope you know that I will always love you.

Alex

I laid the note on the table by his bed, taking one final glance at the beautiful man lying n**ed on the bed. I couldn’t even begin to put into words how much it broke my heart to know this was the last time I would see him like that. I felt sick to my stomach as I slipped on my shoes and quietly exited the apartment with my things. It took everything I had not to fall to my knees and cry in the three blocks from his apartment to my dorm. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest and thrown in the garbage disposal.

I was grateful Jade wasn’t in our room when I opened the door. I wondered when she would be back. She would tell me I was a fool and it would be true. I was a cowardly fool who would continue with her Pre-Med degree to make Mommy and Daddy happy. Jade was going to be upset with me; that was a guarantee. I wondered if she would understand if she had been with me this morning in the study. I wondered if anyone would understand. The time alone was what I needed to sort through everything.